Fed Up with my "Best Friend" (kind of long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Fed Up with my "Best Friend" (kind of long)
13
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 10:25pm

The woman that I consider my best friend has been a part of my life for over 10 years, and I consider her family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
I made my last post from my own experience. I had a very long time friend that saw our friendship as a commitment of time to each other. I went through a time in my life that was chaotic and I couldn't meet her expectations. I knew she judged me and our friendship by my not being able to meet her expectations with my time. I pulled away. We are still friends many years later but that friendship we had before was gone. I didn't want the pressure of trying to meet her expectations when I had so much on my plate at the time. It was one more responsibility on a pile of responsibilities and I just couldn't handle it at the time. I also didn't like the feeling of being judged for not measuring up as the friend she thought I should be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
A good friend may not always understand where their friend is emotionally but will accept them where ever they are. Something has changed with your friend. She doesn't respond to you the way she used to. Relationships are give and take but putting expectations on anyone on how they prove their friendship can be very difficult on the friend that can't live up to those expectations. They will pull back because they know they can't live up to your expectations. Accept her for where she is at in her life and love her for it if even from a distance. She isn't coming to you making demands. That would be different. You spoke to her when she was upset and scared about her power being shut off. You offered her money to help and that was a kind and loving thing to do. However, if you had expectations from her because of it, that was a strings attached kind of help. If there are strings attached, it loses is generosity. All strings should be told up front. Both have to agree or someone is going to be very disappointed. I know it hurts when friendships change. Be the kind of friend that makes you feel good and get rid of the expectations from your friend. If it isn't a friendship that enhances your life in any way, let it go and move on. You will have some grieving. Just know it, feel it, and you will be so much better for it. Just do it with love in your heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010

Good post from keepingitreal1.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007

I have a best friend that I've been friends with for almost 20 years. I'm in the same situation. We've been thru alot together, she was there for me as much as I was there for her, but during the last couple years..I started to feel like she stopped investing in our friendship. I tried calling her, texting her, initiating plans with her and time and time again she's showed very little effort in trying to reciprocate. I brought this up to her and honestly told her about how I feel..and I don't know if she was lying or not but yeah she said she doesn't want to lose our friendship and she does want to try. She admitted she's wrong, and she's trying to change, and being that we had so much history together, I didn't want to give up and gave her another chance. Well I ended up giving her many more chances after that up until one day I just got so tired of trying. It was so much of the trying part, it was the hurt and sadness that comes with it. I'm going through alot in my life too in the last year or so. I went thru a break up from a long term relationship with an ex of 6 years, moved around 2-3 times, struggled financially and battling with depression...I reached out to her but time and time again she says she's there for me, but never made any effort in calling me, texting me, writing to me, or even asked how I'm doing. The only time we talk is only if i call her or initiating doing anything. I just feel like she's not there for me especially when I need her so much in my life right now. Everytime I think about it, it makes me want to cry because I'm so deeply hurt by this. Anyway, I made a decision a week ago to cut her out of my life. It was not an easy decision but after trying and trying to make this friendship "work" with her, I realized it cannot work when one person doesn't want to try. It seemed like no matter how hard I try, she wasn't really putting in the effort like she should, and I keep ending up hurting and sad. It started to consume my life and I was suffering emotionally. I knew I had to end it. I was very honest with her and told her everything. She accepted that she has not been a good friend to me and she's sorry. Sometimes, I think you just have to be honest about how you feel. No matter how long a friendship is, sometimes it does runs its course and you just have to be honest with yourself and with others and do what's best for you. I can't say what I did was right or wrong, but I knew it was better for my emotional health. She was a big part of my life but she was causing me alot of grief where everyday I couldn't stop crying about it. It was too painful to continue a friendship that's not only hurting you. Just move on with your life and build friendships based on trust, honesty, and loyalty, or whatever that you believe in. I'm still sad that my friendship ended with her, but I feel alot better knowing that I'm taking control of my life instead of letting others control me. Good luck with your situation. I hope you find peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Maybe you and her are so close that she's uncomfortable with you during this stressful times. I've been dealing with some life changing events and I've avoided friends that know me too well and been spending time with people who are less likely to try to help me. I hope you can accept whatever happens going forward.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

I am sorry to say but it sounds like you are both in different worlds now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

What you should do is

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Just let her make the arrangements, don't continue to try to set up times to see her. As others have said she has a lot on her plate. Losing her parents while so young & having to raise a 16 year old when she is still growing herself is a difficult challenge to live through. She is likely not thinking logically but rather dealing with emotions.

Enjoy your life & if you are free when she wants to do something then do it. Otherwise, let the friendship be her responsibility to cultivate for a while as it sounds like you are doing all the work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007

I feel like I need to clarify my statement that she only hangs out with me when she has nothing better to do.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Well, it sounds like she's really struggling at the moment and she might be suffering from depression on top of everything. Have you considered that she just isn't in a place right now where she is able to socialize regularly? I doubt that it's a case of only hanging out with you when she has "nothing better to do". I imagine right now, she doesn't exactly have much idle time with nothing better to do.

I can see how her declaring that someone else is "the best friend on the planet" might hurt when you consider her as close as family - but maybe she has picked up on the fact that you feel your friendship with her is conditional.

Maybe you do need to not so much "give up" on your friendship but just back off. Stop having expectations of her, especially social ones where she may feel like she's has to act like everything is normal and fun when she feels the exact opposite. Stop trying to arrange get-togethers with her but keep in touch by occasionally asking how she's doing, if she needs any help, and reminding her that you are there for her if she needs you.

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