feel like I am only one with no family..

Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
feel like I am only one with no family..
8
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 5:53pm
Hello everyone,

These days I have been feeling really low because I am having troubles with my parents and I do not have any siblings to share my feelings with. You see my father has always been both emotionally and physically abusive and last October I had to cut ties with him because he went too far. My mother has stayed with him through thick and thin because she is completely dependent on him for her daily needs and appearances matter a whole lot to her so divorce would be out of the question. Over the years, my father has come to treat my mother very cruely and she seems to just take it and take it. It really hurts to see her believe she needs to stay with him.

Anyway, I have tried to seek support from my one of my aunt's, who I believed cared for me, and it turned she completely shot me down and chose not to believe a word I said. She basically destroyed my confidence and trust in her and now I really do not like her anymore.

To make a long story short: I feel very alone now because my father has been able to turn the tables on me and make me look the bad person for cutting ties with him. Even though, a lot of my relatives know about my father's temper. absolutely no one has reached out to me to offer any ounce of support. So not only do I not have any siblings, but also I do not have any aunts, uncles or cousins who care about me.

I promise that I am a really good person; it's just that in my family no one really reaches out to each other.

So I am wondering if I am the only one who comes from such a family? It seems like everyone has a sister, brother, or cousin that they have known all of their lives. I feel totally out of place since I have no one like that.

Sorry if I have repeated what I have said before, but I really needed to share my story again to let you know how I was feeling.

Thanks for listening.

Ginny

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 6:29pm
Hi there...did we type once before? I believe I was in your shoes at the time...well still am. I agree with you and feel the same. It is a comfort and I hope you find comfort as I just did from you after reading your post to know that we are not alone. I cut ties with my parents due to harsh things they were saying/doing to me and my husband. That was two years ago. During that time, my grandparents, sister and basically all my relatives have blamed me and no longer talk to me. I guess you can think of it as knowing those who stuck by you are the ones who really truly care about you. However, sounds like in our case that is no one. Don't dwell on it too much...even though I still get upset with the way others are acting. Just realize that it is not worth the time. Focus on yourself and know in your heart that you did what is best for your well being and it sounds like you did. I will keep you in my thoughts and I wish the best for you as always.
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:31pm
Marsgen: maybe you have found friendship in this board. I have a sister who lives 5minutes from me. Who is like a stranger to me. I have cousins who are 10-15yrs. older than me. I didn't meet them until I was 13. I saw them about four times during the past 30yrs. When one died suddenly of cancer, I got scolded for not coming by to see him. How could I? He had tons of friends, and they're like strangers to me. See him? I didn't even know him! The church was packed with friends I didn't even know. As relative: we sat in the front with other relatives (sons, in-laws and 2nd cousins) as we felt like outsiders. I had a big fight w/mom before the funeral, because she wanted to wear her light orange light colored outfits. Wearing dark is not her favorite colors, but I just wanted her to wear something professional to blend with all the rich folks. I found 'friends' with some people here in ivillage. Since I have no one else. You can always email me and we can talk more, if you want. I have two older kids (college) but they have lives and most of the time, it's just me and my husband. He has brothers and sister with kids, but we're all 'miles apart' unless there's holidays. No one calls us except the phone solicitors. If we don't think about it, we're really not that lonely!

We have jobs to keep us so occupied and hobbies and we're happy being 'left alone'. We have peace and I know we're gonna live longer than them, since we are not stressed out anymore. Maybe, you should get a dog, to help make the nights and days seem shorter. When I'm bonding w/my sister, we're fighting and it's best this way that we're apart. I'm happy and she's not. All four of her kids left her alone, also, that's why she's so miserable. So, please, if you want, I'm here for you. You're NOT ALONE! You can share or vent anytime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 6:44pm
Ginny my heart just cries for you. You and I are in the same situation that's why I 'm on this board today. I too was physically and emotionally abused by my parents (a NURSE and a POLICE OFFICER!). I have tried and tried to forgive them and ignore their behavior and thought everything would be ok, but lately they both continue to be abusive emotionally to me and I guess I will have to break the ties with them again. Also, they bring in my other relatives like my sister and grandmother against me, blaming me for what THEY have done. My mother just last weekend when I wasn't in the room, told my new husband what a bad child I was, what bad grades I got, etc. which none of it is true, I was in a gifted program in school! I feel sort of in the same boat as Elizabeth Smart, we aren't a trashy family (for the most part) but I've been a victim of a lot of people's wrong behavior and get blamed for it. Everyone in my family thinks I should ignore what they say about me or do to me, even now my stepfather tells me just to ignore people for the sake of getting along. Can you believe that??? He thinks I should allow myself to become their victim for the sake of getting along. I definitely understand your problems, don't look at yourself as the outcast, think of yourself as the better off one! Rise above them and their personal issues, and try to improve upon yourself to be a better person than they are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 1:15pm
DEAR GINNY,

I COULDN'T HELP RESPONDING TO YOUR POST, BECAUSE I AM ALSO IN THE SAME SITUATION. IT'S SIMILAR IN THE RESPECT OF FEELING ALONE WITH NO FAMILY. MY MOTHER HAS ALIENATED ME FROM HER SELF AND THE REST OF MY VERY SMALL FAMILY FOR MOST OF MY LIFE AND TO THIS DAY WE RARELY SPEAK. LAST AUGUST WAS PROBABLY THE LAST AND ONLY WAY SHE COULD HURT ME THE MOST. MY FATHER DIED LAST AUGUST, AND THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUT... LET ME START FIRST BY TELLING YOU THAT OUT OF ALL MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY I WAS THE CLOSEST TO MY FATHER, AND I KNEW HE LOVED ME. AT THE END OF AUGUST LAST YEAR I WAS AT A GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AND WHEN I ARRIVED SHE WAS ON THE COMPUTER, AND I ASKED HER WHAT SHE WAS DOING? AND SHE SAID THAT SHE WAS LOOKING UP SOME PROPERTY DEEDS FOR SOMEONE SO JUST GOR GRINS AND I SAY THAT BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT POSSESSED ME TO ASK HER TO DO THIS I SAID LET'S LOOK UP MY PARENTS PROPERTY. WELL WAS I SHOCKED MY FATHERS NAME NOT ONLY DID NOT APPEAR OF THE DEED FOR THEIR HOME, BUT IT APPEARED NOWHERE!!!!!! IT WAS LIKE HE NEVER EXISTED. LET ME BACK UP A BIT. MY FAHTER WAS A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS OWNER FOR 30 PLUS YEARS, AND WAS KNOWN AND LOVED AND RESPECTED BY MANY PEOPLE. I SAY THIS NOT JUST BECAUSE HE WAS MY DAD, BUT BECAUSE I KNOW FROM FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE. I WENT TO WORK WITH HIM ON SATURDAY'S FROM THE TIME I WAS SIXTEEN UP UNTIL THE YEAR BEFORE HE DIED. I WORKED WITH HIM ON AND OFF THROUGH OUT MOST OF MY LIFE. I SAW HOW HARD HE WORKED AND HOW PEOPLE JUST LOVED HIM. THEY WOULD STOP BY AND SEE HIM JUST TO SAY HELLO, AND AROUND THE HOLIDAYS OR WHENEVER ONE OF HIS CUSTOMERS WOULD GO ON VACATION THEY WOULD COME BACK WITH A SPECIAL SOMETHING FOR HIM. HE WAS JUST ADORABLE, AND HE ALWAYS WENT THE EXTRA MILE TO HELP MAKE A CUSTOMER FEEL SAISFIED EVEN IF IT WAS AT HIS EXPENSE. HE WAS GOOD AT WHAT HE DID, AND HE LOVED WHAT HE DID( HE OWNED A JEWELRY STORE)IT WAS HIS LIFE. ANYWAYS, WHEN I SAW THAT HIS NAME APPEARED ON NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, I GOT CONCERNED. SOMETHING CAME OVER ME AND I BLURTED OUT TO MY FRIEND "I THINK MY FATHER HAS PASSED AWAY" SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY, BECAUSE I BLURTED THAT OUT SO BLANTLY WITH REALLY NO PROOF OTHER THAN HE DID NOT APPEAR ON THE DEED FOR THEIR HOME. THIS WAS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT, AND I THE FOLLOWING MONDAY I PHONED MY MOTHER. SHE RARELY ANSWERE'S THE PHONE THEY HAVE CALLED ID, AND WHEN SHE SAW MY NAME I KNOW SHE WOULD NOT ANSWERE THE PHONE. BUT, THIS PARTICULAR MONDAY SHE ANSWERED. I JUST GOT RIGHT TO THE POINT AND SAID, " HAS DADDY DIED" I MEAN TALK ABOUT RIGHT TO THE POINT. I REALLY THINK I KNEW HE HAD DIED, BECAUSE THAT FRIDAY I HAD A FEELING THAT I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN BUT IT WAS OVERWHELMING AND I KNEW WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO TELL ME BEFORE I EVEN HAD CALLED. HER ANSWERE TO ME WAS "YES, YOUR FATHER DIED 3 WKS AGO" I WAS SO ANGRY AT THAT MOMENT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I SAID BUT IT WASN'T PRETTY I AM SURE. I DO REMEMBER SAYING TO HER HOW CRUEL AND DISGUSTING I THOUGHT SHE WAS TO WITH HOLD SUCH INFORMATION FROM ME. HER RESPONSE WAS WE MEANING HER, MY SISTER, AND BROTHER-IN-LAW COULD NOT FIND ME. THAT IS JUST A BUNCH OF BS!!! I DO LIVE OUT OF STATE, BUT HAD CALLED JUST A MONTH AGO, AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE FEW TIMES SHE ANSWERED THE PHONE, AND I SPOKE TO MY DAD. HE WAS SOMEWHAT OUT OF IT, BUT HE KNEW, AND I KNEW HE KNEW WHO I WAS. HE DIED OF ALZHEIMERS. I HAVE ALWAYS LIVED IN THIS SMALL TOWN IN ARIZONA EVER SINCE I WENT AND GRADUATED FROM ARIZONA STATE UNIVERSITY. MY PARENTS VISITED BEFORE AND THEY KNEW BELIEVE ME MY MOTHER KNEW WHERE I WAS. ON TOP OF THE FACT THEY DID NOT EVEN TRY TO LOCATE ME TO TELL ME THAT MY FATHER HAD DIED THEY LIED TO ME AS WELL. I WAS SO HURT. THERE WAS NO OBITUARAY, NOTHING!!! MY AUNT MY FATHER'S SISTER WHO LIVES IN OREGON DIDIN'T EVEN KNOW, BUT I CALLED AND TOLD HER. FUNNY I HAD NO PROBLEM FINDING HER. I THINK THAT'S WHY THEY INVENTED 411!!!! THE ONLY THING I HAVE, AND MY GIRLFRIEND SENT IT TO ME WAS FROM THE CORONOR'S OFFICE OFFICIATING HIS DEATH. THE WORST PART OF IT IS HE DIED IN A NURSING HOME. I THINK MY FATHER WAS FRIGHTNED TO DEATH OF NURSING HOMES AS ANYONE WOULD BE, AND HE FREQUENTLY JOKED TO MY MOTHER ABOUT HER PUTTING HIM IN ON SOMEDAY. IT TURNED OUT TO BE A REALITY, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE DID. SHE SAID HE BECAME TO HARD TO CARE FOR. AFTER 40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, AND HER WORD THAT SHE WOULD NOT EVER DO THAT TO HIM SHE DID IT ANYWAYS. IT JUST MAKES ME SICK. I WOULD HAVE COME HOME TO HELP HER TAKE CARE OF MY DAD IN A HEARTBEAT. I THINK HE DESERVED TO DIE WITH HIS DIGNITY HE SURE EARNED IT!!! AND THEN NOT EVEN TO HAD A FUNERAL SERVICE SO PEOPLE THAT KNEW AND LOVED HIM COULD PAY THEIR LAST RESPECTS IS PITAFUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE CAN LIVE WITH HER SELF. MY FAHTER WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO KNOW OF HIS DEATH, AND BESIDES I HAD THAT RIGHT TO KNOW HE WAS MY FATHER, AND I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH. MY WORTHLESS BROTHER-IN-LAW SPEREAD MY FATHER'S ASHES OVER THE GOLF COURSE IN WHICH THEY LIVE. I HAVE NO PLACE TO EVEN GO AND PAY MY REPSECTS TO OR EVEN VISIT WHEN I FEEL I WANT TO BE NEAR HIM. HE WAS JUST GONE LIKE THAT!! I ASKED HER IF SHE WOULD SEND ME AT LEAST SOMETHING OF HIS, SO I WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER HIM BY ANYTHING JUST SOMETHING OF HIS. SHE SAID SHE WOULD, BUT SHE NEVER DID. I CAN'T DESCRIBE TO YOU HOW AWFUL THIS MAKES ME FEEL, AND TO THIS DAY, AND EVEN NOW WHEN I AM WRITING TO YOU I AM CRYING. I MISS HIM SO MUCH, AND FEEL SUCH A LOSS. I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN OF HIS CONDITION SO I LEAST I COULD HAVE SEEN HIM TO TELL HIM WHAT A GREAT FATHER HE WAS, AND HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM, AND HOW PROUD I WAS THAT HE WAS MY FATHER. IT'S ALMOST A YEAR LATER, AND I CANNOT PUT CLOSURE TO THIS. WHAT MY FAMILY DID TO ME HAS LEFT A HORRIBLE SCAR ON ME, AND I CRY ALL THE TIME IT'S AWLFUL. I EVEN WROTE MY MOTHER A HORRIBLE, BUT TRUE LETTER ON WHAT I THOUHGT OF WHAT SHE DID CONCERNING MY DAD'S DEATH, AND WHAT I THOUGHT OF HER AS A PERSON, AND BELIEVE IT WAS NOTHING NICE. THE ONLY REASON I CHOSE NOT TO SEND IT WAS I KNEW IF MY DAD WAS ALIVE HE WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE DISRESPECTFUL NO MATTER WHAT. SO I DIDN'T SEND IT, BUT I STILL HAVE IT, AND YA KNOW IT TAKES ALOT NOT TO PUT A STAMP ON IT. BECAUSE I MEAN WHAT I SAY IN THIS LETTER. MY POINT IS WOULD IT REALLY DO ANY GOOD? AS WITH YOUR SITUATION, IS THERE ANYTHING THAT YOU REALLY CAN DO TO CHANGE THE WAY A PERSON EVEN THOUGH IT'S A FAMILY MEMBER(AND LOVE IS SUPOSSED TO BE UNCONDITIONAL)FEELS ABOUT YOU ONCE THEY HAVE MADE UP THERE STUBBORN AND SELFISH MINDS?? MY ADVICE FOR YOU AND MYSELF IS TO TRY AND KEEP IN MIND THAT LIFE HAS TO GO ON ANYWAYS, AND IT JUST A WASTE OF TIME TO TRY AND WIN THE LOVE OF A FAMILY MEMEBER. LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE WHO WILL LOVE US IN OUR LIVE, AND WE HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THOSE PEOPLE. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SAYINGS IS"FRIENDS BECOME OUR CHOSEN FAMILY" IT'S ALL WHAT WE MAKE OF IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND EITHER AM I THERE ARE LOTS FO PEOPLE WHO FEEL THE SAME AS WE DO. ALL I CAN FIGURE IS WE HAD TO LOVE OURSELVES A LITTLE MORE TO MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR STORY, AND THANKS FOR LISTENING TO MINE. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN LIFE, YOU AND I AND THE REST WHO FEEL AS WE DO DESERVE TO FEEL LOVED!!!!

VICKY
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 9:39am
You mean to tell me that NO ONE in your family called you to tell you of your father's death???? Why had it been so long since you spoke with him??? This has to be a joke.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 2:35am
UNFORTUNATELY THIS WAS AND IS NOT A JOKE. I HAD TALKED TO MY FATHER ABOUT 3 MONTHS PRIOR . ABSOLUTLY NO ONE I MEAN NO ONE TOLD ME OF MY FATHER'S DEATH. IF YOU READ WHAT I WROTE YOU WILL SEE THAT I EXPLAIN THAT OFTEN TIMES MY MOTHER WOULD SEE MY NUMBER ON THEIR CALLER ID, AND WOULDN'T ANSWERE IT. I CALLED ALL THE TIME, AND ONLY ONCE DID SHE ANSWERE THE PHONE, AND GIVE IT TO MY DAD, WHICH I EXPLAIN IN MY POST, HOW I KNEW HE WASN'T ALL THERE, BUT HE KNEW WHO I WAS. I HAD NO IDEA HOW SICK HE REALLY WAS SINCE MY MOTHER WOULD NOT COMMUNICATE WITH ME AT ALL. LIKE I SAID I LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE, BUT I WOULD HAVE COME HOME IMMEDIATELY HAD I HEARD OF HIS CONDITION, AND I WOULD OF GLADLY CAME HOME TO HELP MY MOTHER REGARDLESS OF WHAT I THINK OF HER TO HELP WITH MY FATHER SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE DIED IN A NURSING HOME. I LOVED MY FATHER VERY MUCH. THE ACTIONS OF MY FAMILY TO THIS DAY HAVE LEFT A TERRIBLE WOUND AND EMPTINESS IN MY LIFE.I SPENT ALOT OF TIME EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS ON THE POST IN WHICH I RESPONDED TO, AND FOR ANYONE TO THINK THAT THIS MUST BE A JOKE OBVIOUSLY DID NOT REALLY READ IT AT ALL. SORRY, TO COME ACROSS SO BLUNT, BUT THIS IS A VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT, AND IT REALLY HURT WHEN IT WAS REFERED TO AS IT" MUST BE A JOKE"


VICKY

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 9:44am
Ginny,

I know this is hard for you. I have read all the other posts and I hope you can gain some comfort in knowing you are not the only one. As for me I have had a good relationship with my family but there are things that in no way do I feel comfortable in talking about with them. It hurts I know, but we can grow from this and take away some really valuable things from it. You are such a great person and I am sure you are learning things from this. The only thing is try as hard as you can to see the up side. You chose to walk away and from this you are no longer letting the abuse affect you. You stopped the vicious cycle of the abuse before you in turn learnded that way of life. You made the right choice in your life no matter what others may think of you, you had the COURAGE to stop it from happening to YOU. I think this shows that you want to make a difference and that is all that matters. So when you start feeling so alone just stop and think of what it would be like if you had to stay, I am sure your father would beat you down so that you thought you were alone. You are not alone sweetie we are always here for you anytime you need us(((HUGS))) I hope this helps as well as all the others sharing what they go through in their lives. You have the strength in your life to go on without them I know you do because you had the strength to walk away.

Take care and we are here for ya~~~~~Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 11:50am
Hi Viclynn18

I have worked as a nurse in a nursing home for many years and want you to know that you shouldn't feel badly that your dad was in a nursing home or possibly died in one. I know what most people think about nursing homes and the staff there, but I want to give you an insider's perspective. We had many patients without family and I was the last person they we were with upon their death, and I couldn't have been more honored. Most of the staff was grateful to be a part of people's lives while they were alive also and tried to make every day at least tolerable for them. I'm sure your dad was a great person, and others notice that and I'm sure were thrilled that your dad was a part of their lives too. Every patient brings something unique and special to a nursing home staff and they really become family to us and we try to bring comfort to them.

Nursing home staff isn't constantly abusing and stealing from patients as typically thought. That is a terrible downside to any industry, but simply doesn't happen frequetly. I'm sure your dad deservedly got the best of care which would have been very very difficult for you and/or your mother to have efficiently performed on a 24 hour basis. Know that if he was in a nursing home that he was with trained professionals who knew best how to take care of his every need and that they were real people who engaged in conversation and activities with him which he probably appreciated.

My sorrows are with you at this terrible time for you, I too have a toxic family.

All my best, *hugs* too.