Flaky friend who tossed away friendship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Flaky friend who tossed away friendship!
6
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 11:45am

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE Having a hard time with this situation, but I kindly ask everyone if you are going to give me advice, please don’t be harsh.

 

So, I became friends with this girl last year, we are both married and we clicked instantly. We eventually had a double date with our husband’s and they also hit it off instantly. I thought I found a “perfect” friend, because so many disappointments for me in the past.

 

We ALL had a lot in common, from views on life, politics, we are all Atheists, etc. My friend and I would hang out pretty much every weekend, text/call regularly, etc.

 

Then in June of 2013 when I noticed things just started to change. She was all of a sudden just flaky, cancelling on me a lot, not responding to texts, etc. From past experiences with friends, I tried not to let this get to me.

 

But I noticed a LOT of strange things, like for my birthday in June she got me a “used” gift, it was a perfume that she re-gifted to me (I later on found out about this), then when I invited her to my house for DIY Spa Night, she showed up with rotten fruits that she just grabbed out of her fridge at home, because she claimed she didn’t have time to run to the supermarket to pick up a fruit basket, that we agreed on she would bring.

 

Then every time we hung out she was either “tired”, like repeatedly yawning in my face, and she always seemed to have a “migraine”.

 

But all and all, I tried NOT to let this phase me, even though I really thought she was just starting to change and not the same cool chick I met a year ago. I know she takes a lot of medication, which makes her moods swing and sometimes unpredictable.

 

In the meantime, her husband and mine also have been hanging out a lot on their own, like going to bars to see MMA fights on TV, Mountain Biking, etc.

 

On Halloween we were all supposed to hang out and go to this party, but my husband decided to cancel, cuz it was supposed to rain that night and he didn’t feel like going out. So, of course I took the initiative and texted my girlfriend and letting her know we can’t make it. She really didn’t seem sad at all. As a matter of fact, her and her husband proceeded to go to the party without us and even invited her co-workers and they had a blast and then the next day she bragged in my face what a great time we missed.

 

Like a week later we were supposed to have a double-date and I came down with a cold. I called her and left her a message that we can’t make it and not only she totally IGNORED my message, but she totally just ended the friendship without any explanation.

 

Yet, I lost count as to how many times she cancelled on me and I would never just not talk to her after that.

 

And from past experiences with her, because this is not the first time she acted this way, so I know her way of dealing with situations is that she just ignores you. In June we had a fall-out when she was running an hour late for a double-date, than she called me again saying how her cat is now sick and they are taking her to the ER, so I told her that we can just postpone and that it’s OK if she needed to take care of things, I would not be upset, but in the end she blamed me why I don’t wanna see her, etc. WOW!

 

And of course, she gave me the silent treatment after that too and me, being the concerned friend, I texted/called her for an entire month asking her if everything was OK, how her cat was doing, because she seemed distant and just overall pretty much has been flaking out on me since June, cancelling left and right and then I later would find out how she started hanging with her co-workers on a weekly basis and she sure didn’t seem tired with her friends or have migraines. Oh, she also got a promotion at work, she became a manager, so I kinda felt she all of a sudden felt above me.

 

Now, the thing that MOST upsets me about all this, is that when we cancelled the double-date on them, she obviously decided to pull the plug on our friendship, which I find VERY childish, but like I said, that’s how she deals with things, just very childish. But her husband and my husband continue hanging out every weekend, like nothing ever happened. And I feel like I got the short end of the stick in this, when the 3 of them act like nothing ever happened now. My husband has been over at their house several times since, she even said hangs out with him, drinking, laughing like buddy buddies, she would hang out with her “new” girlfriend and act like nothing ever happened and like I don’t even exist anymore. And none of them even bring up how this isn’t right, why she just put the blame on me entirely, why her husband doesn’t even ask my husband what the hell is wrong, NO, they just pretend that I don’t even exist now.

 

Now, my husband is known NEVER to stand up for me. He is the kinda guy who wears the skirt in our relationship, which has got me upset many times, but obviously he has no balls to stand up for me, and he never will, but that’s another story.

 

Oh, he did tell me how he felt “weird” being there without me, when in the past the 4 of us were the one hanging out at their house, but now I am the one who is blamed here, while the 3 of them act like NOTHING ever happened. Her husband isn’t mad at my husband at all, as a matter of fact the guys didn’t even bring up about the double-date being cancelled, guys just don’t cause drama with this. But my girlfriend just ruined the whole friendship now for all of us and with NO explanation at all.

 

Don’t get me wrong, after all this, I never wanna see/speak to her again, I just think that her husband and my husband are rather inconsiderate and how neither of them even asked about the whole situation.

 

I know I could have called her, but honestly, I did that every time when she acted this way and I am tired of being the one to always make that first move. That’s not how a friendship is supposed to be when only ONE person makes all the effort all the time. And obviously if I don’t make the first move, she doesn’t give a damn.

 

So, now we are in the situation with my husband that he still wants to hang with her husband, go over to their house and they all act like the happy family and not once they even brought up why I am being blamed here for everything and I actually am upset at my husband for that too.

 

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 1:24pm
If she's taking a lot of medication that affects her mood, then I think a lot of what she's doing is probably related to that. Emotionally mature adults do not use the silent treatment or behave the way you've described. I think you should talk to her. It's not your husband's responsibility to step in and try to make things better. Her husband is his friend, and their relationship is fine. Whatever is going on with you and her is not something either of them are going to want to meddle in. If he feels weird about you not being there, then go with him. Or invite them to your house or out somewhere. This really is something you need to talk to her about, though. You don't have to be her best friend, but if you want to be included then you're probably going to be the one who has to do the work regardless of whose fault it is or who's being immature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 2:37pm

I personally feel that if this friendship means anything to her, I would not have to be always the one to make that first move, that is my concern about this situation now. She has done this twice now within a 4 month window and that to me is getting to be draining on me.

 

I personally don’t wanna reach out anymore. I am tired. Her repeated way of childish behavior just proved to me that she is treating this friendship differently, than I do and my view on her has now changed and realized her true colors.

 

And what I left out before too in my previous post, the last time I had a talk with her when we had the fall-out in the summer, we made a deal that we would NOT go thru this again and if anything bothers one another we would talk about it. I am not the one who tossed away the friendship and who just started ignoring the other, she was, so I know she is once again acting out the child in her and I feel that she totally disrespected me when I called her the last time by ignoring me afterwards.

 

The last time we went thru this, I kid you not, I texted her every week for an entire month asking her what was wrong and she kept denying how nothing was wrong, she was just “very busy” with her new promotion and duties at work, meantime, I knew she was lying. Eventually a month later she finally admitted to me that, yes, indeed she was being distant with me for a reason. So, do I wanna go thru this with her again? She ignores me and I have to be once again the first one to ask her why she is behaving this way, just so she can lie again and tell me how “busy” she is.

 

But you see, I am tired of always being the one to make the first step. That is a total disrespect on her end if I have to be the one to call her now, AGAIN. From what my husband described when he was over at their house this past weekend, is that she was all bubbly and laughing, drinking with her NEW girlfriend from work, not even asking about me or at least ask my husband. She is obviously not a tiny bit bothered that her and I are no longer friends.

 

If it was the other way around, and her husband was at my house, I would have asked him what is up with his wife. Sorry, that’s just me.

 

The other thing too, yes, you are right, men don’t wanna get in the middle of women’s drama’s, however, I feel that all the blame is directed towards me now, while none of them out of the 3 even think for a second that the reason why we are in this situation, is not just between me and her, but the 4 of us. How come her husband isn’t upset with my husband about cancelling the Halloween or the double-date??? After all, the last 2 times we were all supposed to hang out, it was my husband cancelling because he didn’t feel like going out in the rain, yet my friends husband is not mad at him, but his wife is taking it all out on me.

 

Where is her husband’s dignity to at least tell his wife “Hey, grow up, why be upset with your friend, when I am not upset with her husband.”

 

I was not invited to their house, because it was a guy’s night out and I would have felt extremely weird just going after all that happened and how she has completely ignored me and tossed away the friendship for 2 months now. It was a guy’s get together, and she was not even there, until later on she showed up with her co-worker and then they joined the guys in the living-room.

 

See, to me that’s just strange. If it was the other way around, and her husband was over at my house, and I was there with a friend of mine, I would NOT be hanging with the guys, but give them space, especially knowing that my husband was there without me. Where was her respect for that??? She obviously had no problem socializing with my husband and acting like nothing ever happened. It’s actually disgusting!

 

See, there comes a point in time, not just in friendships, but relationships, when if you find yourself always being the one to make peace with the other person by taking the initiative to reach out first, than that is no longer a two-way friendship. That is where I stand with this. She owes me a HUGE apology for her disrespectful behavior and how she treated me. Even if we never hang out again, but she owes me at least that much, an apology for her crappy behavior. If I know I am wrong, I come forward and apologize. Even when my husband and I get into a minor argument, we take the initiative and admit we are wrong and say sorry to the other. That’s all. I know I can’t expect the same from others, but honestly, she works as a manager, so is this HOW she handles certain situations at work too. Yikes! That’s scary! And if one person has to be the one to always apologize first, than there is something very wrong there, no?

 

I actually had a talk with my husband and since he never stands up for me, I told him that obviously this will only escalate the awkwardness if and when he goes over to their house again and I personally feel that my husband isn’t taking my side in this, which is now a problem for me.

 

Friends come and go, and he can’t possibly just ignore this and act like nothing ever happened, while him and her husband all have a good time laughing their butt’s off during guy’s nite.

 

Any normal couple does discuss things at home, at least we do. I know the last time, her husband did ask my husband why the women (me and her) were not talking, so apparently her husband did notice something was not right. But I guess they got to the point that they don’t care at this point, or his wife already moved on.

 

Think of it this way, if you are in a relationship and your partner acts this way, do you keep chasing after them for answers or trying to make-up with them? Doesn’t that degrade the person. There comes a point in time, when you just realize the person doesn’t care anymore.

 

But it upsets me how the 3 of them think nothing of this and mainly how my husband did not think twice about going over to their house. That to me is a slap in the face.

 

I truly feel the 3 of them act like this is no big deal and nothing ever happened. That to me is a huge disrespect, on my marriage as well.

 

Just my thought!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 3:42pm

Well I think that you have 2 different issues here.  As far as this woman is concerned, I think you are better off without her.  her behavior does seem very childish--I agree with what you said that if something is wrong, you talk about it with your friend, you don't jut cut someone off for no reason--but since you can't control her behavior, I don't think you should have to grovel.  It's clear that she doesn't care about you.

as far as your DH--what do you want him to do?  Do you expect him to stop being friends w/ the guy because you aren't friends with the wife any more?  that seems a little strong to me as the DH is not responsible for his DW's behavior.  I hope you could explain to him (and that he could understand) how awkward it is for you to know that he is going to their house w/o you--but if the guys go out somewhere w/o the other guy's wife, then that's different.  But I don't think that the 2 guys should be expected to figure out what is going on between the women & who is right & wrong--they both probably want to stay out of this fight that has nothing to do with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 4:18pm
Excellent observation and agree with what you said Musiclover! Yeah, I am done with her just from the way she has treated me and how she acted like “business as usual” around my husband when he was over at their house over the weekend. Because I know for me if that happened in my house, I would not have acted all casual around her husband. The silent treatment is something I would expect from a teenager, not from a 37-year-old adult. As far as my husband goes, since being married to him 18 years, we have a great marriage, however, my husband was never that typical macho guy. He was never that guy who stood up for me. That’s just how he is, I don’t hate him for it, but it does bother me. Not just in this situation, but overall, he always makes me feel like he just never stands up for me. Like a friend of his once insulted me in front of a bunch of people and instead of saying something to the friend, he actually told his friend “Sorry man”. Does that sound like a decent thing to do? And don’t get me wrong, he is a great husband/father, I just feel sometimes he forgets he has a wife and that I should be his priority. My view on friendships over the years has come to a point that yes, friends come and go and if I had to choose my blood, than a friend is NOT my priority. With my husband, I notice that he will walk thru mountains to do things for his friends and he seems to forget about his family. Like he had no problem socializing around my flaky friend when he KNOWS what happened between us and how she treated me and he could have told her while she is having a beer with him “Hey, don’t blame my wife.” And not once it occurred to him to even ask his guy friend about the situation either. It’s hard to explain, but so far anyone I have mentioned what happened they all said it was wrong. Yes, he knows it was awkward for me and even for him too, cuz he said it himself, being at their house. And I did mention that if they have to hang out again, they do outdoor stuff, like biking a lot, I have no problem with that, I am not gonna be immature about that, however, the drinking and laughing around the wife, yeah, that won’t fly with me at this point. Because that to me is a disrespect not only on my girlfriends (ex) part, but on my husband as well. See, the way I view things in life is this. I am a mother, I ask questions. It’s like if I see my daughter sad when she comes home from school I know something happened and I ask her about it. Many parents don’t which is why a situation escalates and then it’s too late for help. My husband and I talk about things at home, when he has a bad day at work, he will vent to me, I listen and vs. So, yes, while the men don’t wanna get involved in women’s drama’s, and I agree they shouldn’t, but for the 3 of them behave like nothing ever happened and not even think anything wrong that my husband is at their house and I wasn’t invited, that to me is an insult. I would assume if her husband had any conscience that he would ask “Hey, where is your friend?” It’s not even about getting involved, but as a courtesy. Yes, some people just don’t care, and that is why I see this whole friendship with them (both the guy and his wife) pointless from now on. Why should we commit our time to people who see nothing wrong with a certain situation and act like no big deal. These are the types of people I know would not even lift a finger for anyone if need be. Just sayin’
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 5:43pm

Although this is all unfortunate, I agree with Music that you have two different issues.  Sounds like you are okay moving on from the friendship and it is really your DH that is bothering you.

Guys are just different.  I think all you can do is share your feelings with him, but make sure and don't point fingers or lead on that he is doing anything "wrong."  I like to say things like "this is my perception," or "can you help me understand."  Things that are saying I am the one with the problem.  

I mean I feel for you, I really do.  Unless they are becoming a threesome, probably not much else for you to say or do.  Now if they are becoming a threesome, then that would be a different issue.  But if it really is just a bromance, then I think you are just going to have to accept it just like you would with any other friendship he had.  

And I would still allow some empathy in your heart for her.  Sounds like she has issues and I hope you are still polite as you would be with anyone else.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 1:25pm

I would not say its childish to end a friendship with no explanation. It may be somewhat cowardly though.  In my experience, even IF someone does explain why they end a friendship, the other person will get mad and disagree with what they say.   If she did tell you why, would you be okay with whatever she said?

I had one woman stop talking to me when she found out my husband lost his job. She never wanted to see me again after that. I had not known her for long, though, so it did not bother  me that much.  But I pretty much figured out why she did not want to talk to me anymore. I did not need an explanation from her.