Is this a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Is this a friend
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 6:28pm

I went through a tragedy of losing a close family member, only days after we buried her, my "friend" texts me to help her move. She says she knows about the death in my family but she needs help anyway.  Several months earlier, she contacted me after I had major surgery and kept asking me to help her with moving. She did not even offer to help me and didn't seem to care about my surgery. She has been moving all year long out of her house and trying to get her life sorted out.  I would like to just consider us closed and not friends anymore, and just take her off my FB page and everything else. She is selfish and I am done. What should I tell people when they ask, though? I know at least a few people with condemn me for ending the friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 9:44pm

Just because people ask you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it--just say "i'd prefer not to discuss it" or "we had some differences"--something very vague.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 02-05-2014 - 1:49pm

*I* would not think that losing a loved one would incapacitate you.  And getting you out of the house, doing things, and not dwelling on your loss, might have been very beneficial to you. 

As for asking you to help her move after your surgery, someone who is having a rough patch in their lives can be a little myopic, and they are more focused on their own problems than their friends' problems.  Perhaps she didn't think the surgery was that serious.  I am, however, assuming she did not ask you to lift her sofa 2 days after a heart bypass.

And as for ending the friendship, only you can say whether or not the good times outweigh the bad ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 4:12pm

"I would not think losing a loved one would incapacitate you".

No, losing a loved one does not mean that someone becomes physically incapable of moving things. Of course not. But generally, in our society, it is considered rude to ask favors of someone immediately after the death of  a parent (or child, sibling, etc).  They are in mourning. They may be also dealing with a lot of legal issues with handling an estate. I am the executor of my mother's estate and its a huge job. It involves getting her house cleaned out, selling stuff, etc in addition to all the time consuming efforts of funeral planning, contacting relatives, choosing a headstone for the grave, etc.  I really don't have time to help anyone with moving, even aside from the grief issue. Its not an issue of "can I lift something or not". Um , yeah I can still lift things.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 02-07-2014 - 3:33pm

"What should I tell people when they ask, though?" What are they going to ask you? Its nobody else's business and you don't owe explanations to anybody except the woman you are dropping. If people ask something general (like have you seen Ms X) you can just say no. If they ask more pointed questions you say something like "that's not something I feel like talking about" and change the subject. If they persist you politely tell them to mind their own business. People that condemn without knowing the facts or who pry are not probably not people that you want to be around anyway. The people who matter will form their opinion of you based on how you live your life everyday, not over a break with one inconsiderate person. You posted about this problem with this woman almost a year ago, its past time to move on from her and let "a few people" think whatever they want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 02-26-2014 - 2:08am

I agree with the others who said that you can just deflect when people ask you why you no longer speak.  If they persist just politely but directly tell them that it's not something you're keen to discuss.  If they judge you then you really haven't lost much.  It is disrespectful to ask someone for physical help after surgery and so soon following such a profound loss as the loss of your mother.  From your post I gather that the text you received was your only communication between you and her during and after your mother's passing and funeral?  That alone would've been enough for me to cut her off. 

It sounds like you've had a very trying year and I hope that the coming year is better for you.

My condolences for the loss of your mother.