Friend moving away & has no time for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Friend moving away & has no time for me
22
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 4:35am

Hi,

My neighbor and I have been friends for 8 years. My 12 yr old daughter has been friends with her daughters, too. (Her daughters are a few years younger than my DD and they never hung out a lot, but they are friends and do sometimes see each other.) In the beginning of September,

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Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 5:49am
I think her and her family probably have a lot of friends who want to say goodbye and she's struggling to juggle them all on top of organizing a move to another state. It's a shame that you didn't get your last picture but you say your daughters were not that close to begin with and it's possible her daughter was closer with the friend she wanted to go to yoga with than she is with your daughter. Don't forget, her daughter WANTED to go to the yoga class instead of to the picture session, that doesn't necessarily mean it's what your friend wanted.

Put yourself in her place: you're moving out of state, it's a very stressful and busy time for you, your kids are also upset because they have to leave all their friends behind and they have never experienced such a big change in their lives before - your daughter wants to go to yoga class with a very good friend of hers for the last time. Ever. Can you really say you'd deny her that and make her instead go to a group photo with someone she is not as close with?

It's understandable that you would be disappointed or even upset but I equally can understand where your friend is coming from and I don't think it means she does not consider you a good friend, just that she chose to put her daughter's feelings before her own. On top of everything else, she does not need a guilt trip for granting her daughter her last wish before they leave. You and she are the ones who are close, not your daughters and you and she had a chance to say goodbye last week at the adult get together.

I think you might be imposing your own feelings onto your daughter a little bit. Is your daughter really THAT upset over it? You say "my poor daughter will not have the chance to say goodbye to her friends" but you don't actually mention if she is very upset over it or not and you admit that they "never hung out a lot" and only "sometimes see each other".

I really think you need to put this behind you so that you don't part on bad terms with someone you really care about. I don't think she's done anything so terrible that would justify throwing away 8 years of a good friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 1:19pm

Hi UK Girl,

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 9:11pm

I agree with UK girl, but just want to add, that some people are not as sentimental as others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 2:29am

Hi CFK 3-

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 2:35am

They moved today-they were suppose to be moving tomorrow. It must have been moved up a day. I did not realize they were moving out until 3:00 pm when I went outside for the first time all day. My friend was busy running in and out of the house, so I just gave her a quick wave and figured I would say goodbye when she was not so busy, or maybe they would stop by (I live about 80 feet from them) before they left. (They had professional movers moving everything out for them, but they were still busy going in and out.) I had to take my DD to gymnastics class. When I got home, they were gone! I am not sure if my friend stopped by as I was not here. However, she did not call or leave a message saying goodbye, either. They just got in their car and left. I am so sad about this-how can you leave a friend you have known for 8 years, a friend who was a good friend and neighbor, without so much as a goodbye! (Did you see in my post how I helped this friend for 7 months with car pooling when she had her last baby.) Really, I was more than nice to her, and she just leaves with out so much as a goodbye. First, she could not find the 10 minutes of time to say goodbye to me in the past few days and take a photo, and today she just left with out so much as a phone call to say goodbye. I am literally crying as I type this, I feel so bad. (If I was home and knew that they were finally leaving, I would have stopped by. But, I was not sure exactly when they were leaving.)

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 5:50am

"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Well, I won't defend that woman.

Of course she could have found 10 minutes (or 5) to say goodbye if she'd wanted to. You found time for SEVEN months to drive her kid to school every day.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Sorry.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 7:50pm
My friend had profesional movers come and pack everything up and move it, so she was not busy with actually packing/moving. I am sure she was busy with other aspects, but I am sure the actual packing part takes the most time, and the movers did everything. Packed everyrthing into boxes and moved it out.

We saw each other two weeks ago, and at that time, we said we would say goodbye when the time got closer, and I asked her about getting the kids together for a last photo. (I had made a really nice mini album of pictures of the kids together over the years, There were pics of the kids making x-mas cookies, making easter eggs, swimming in my little pool, making snowmen, trick or treating going to the zoo, etc. All the things the kids did together over the past 8 yrs.) I had told my friend that I would like to take a current picture of all 4 of them togetehr and she could add it to the album. (This summer, their 3 yr old would not agree to be in a photo, so the last photo of the kids does not include him.)

My DD is not angry, but she is very sad. I told her today that they already left. My DD was sad, she said she felt very bad that she could not say goodbye to them, She said "I knew them for a long time, I can't beleive I did not get to see them before they left". Then she got a bit mad and said "That is so rude!" These are her words, no mine. And, although she was not super close to the older girl, the two younger kids adored my DD. Anytime they were outside playing, and they saw my DD, they would excitedly run over and talk to her as ask her to play with them. The 6 yr old girl routinly colored pictures and made "notes" (as best a 6 yr old can) that she would leave between the doors as a surprise for my DD.

By letting her DD go to yoga, me and my DD did not get a a chnace to see my friend or see the kids to say goodbye. Allowing the DD to go meant that we would all (all 7 of us) would not be able to see each other, say bye, or take a photo. So it's not a matter of letting her DD see her friend and not see my DD. It was a matter of my friend letting her DD go out and then NONE of us got to see ach other or say bye or take a photo.

I do understand my freind was busy moving moving, but I still feel that is a weeks time, she could carve out 5 minutes for us. Thats' all I asked, a few minutes. It's not like I was asking for anything comlicated or difficult, I would walk the 80 feet to her house that's all it would take. If it were me,and I were busy moving, no matter how busy I was, in a weeks time I would MKAE the time to see a good freind to say bye.I do not beleive that anyone is so busy that they can't make 5 minutes of time for a good freind.

Thanks for the reply. I do appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post.

-JoJo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 8:03pm
Hi Uk Girl,

I may have forgotten an important point, My friend moved out of state. Very far away. So, as far as seeing each other anytime soon (or having her kids see mine of get photos, etc.) this is not going to be happening for a long time. Or, maybe it will never happen. (I have another neighbor who moved away, and literally blew all the neighbors left behind off. Never saw them heard from them again.) I may have forgotten to mention this part. If my friend simply moved a few towns away, then saying goodbye or taking pics would not be a big deal as we would probably be close enough to still see each other often,

I am not sure if this was in my other posts. (?)

-JoJo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Hi Cat. alley-

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad you think my friend could have found a few minutes of time for me. And, yes, you are right, I gave her tons of time by driving her DD to and from school for seven months and also by frequently houseitting her home and cat several times a year for 6 years.

Really, as I read all these responses, I think I am a bit too generous with my time and people may sometimes take advantage of me being this way. I am genuinely a very helpful type of person, but maybe I have to start "cutting back" on this with people as it seems that people sometimes ask me for too much help. Then, if they can't give me time/help in return, I feel bad.

Thanks again for your reply.

-JoJo

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