Friend Is Putting Pressure on Me To Confirm Her Husband Was Having An Affair

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Registered: 06-12-2011
Friend Is Putting Pressure on Me To Confirm Her Husband Was Having An Affair
37
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 6:42pm

Last week I posted about my friend who had just found her husband dead and how I could help her. Friday she had the funeral and lots of woman from his job came to pay their respects. One woman in particular was acting over emotional and looked a great deal like my friend used to look before she gained

Avatar for ukgirl82
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Registered: 09-17-2005

I would just be honest - admit that this woman was acting dramatically but remind her that it doesn't necessarily mean anything. This woman could just be an attention seeker - neither of you have any way of knowing that your friend's husband was even cheating on her, much less with this particular woman. You have suspicions but you say "friend is putting pressure on me to confirm her husband was having an affair" - well, the truth is that you CAN'T confirm anything. You don't KNOW he was cheating or that it was with this woman. Remind her that if she wants to vent to you, you are always there to listen - but you can't "confirm" anything because you don't know anything.

You say "woman have a sense for these things" but I've also seen women (and men) who let their insecurities get the best of them and become paranoid, seeing things that aren't there, making assumptions, over-analyzing, etc. You also mention the look on the other co-workers faces - it could have just been embarrassment to be associated with an attention seeker. As for him not having slept with his wife for 10 years, it IS possible it was a medical problem and he didn't want to see a doctor out of embarrassment. There are men out there with untreated medical problems who wind up simply not being sexually active. Please don't jump to conclusions. Is it possible that he was having an affair and that it was with this woman? Yes. But again, you don't and can't know it for sure so please, DON'T tell her that you do.

I think izzyandalexsmommy is right that she's possibly going through the anger stage of grief. There are 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In my experience, they don't always go in that strict order and not everyone goes through them all. For the time being, just let these stages take their natural course... it's not something you can rush and she may come through it in her own time. Just try to be patient and understanding.

I also agree with sillysadie that if she really needs to know the truth in order to move on, she should go to one of the co-workers. As sadie said though, I would not make that suggestion to her but if she really needs to know, she'll come to that conclusion on her own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

You are absolutely right the sudden death alone was enough to deal with in the beginning. I think this suspicion of an affair has derailed her grieving process. She has started going through his computer, phone and things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010

Red letters . . .how festive.

Avatar for cfk_3
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Registered: 05-14-1999
"I really don’t see the need in going down this path, he’s dead now and if he was having an affair it’s certainly over now...I told her all that matters is the relationship and love they had shared for the pass 20 years...I told her she should really go back to her therapist and talk it out with her..."

I agree with what you indicated above. When she brings all of this up again, I'd stick to that mantra. As swim indicated, unless she calls this woman and gets an answer, it's all speculation. I mean, it could be that it was a one-sided infatuation. Also, as Helga indicated, she mostly just needs you there to listen to and comfort her. If you share your suspicions about this other woman, your friend could change her mind somewhere down the road, and turn her anger toward you or, in all her grief, she could blame you for even putting the thoughts into her head to begin with...I'd tread carefully.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
There isn't anything you can say to her it's only speculation. The co-worker's reaction doesn't mean anything. The people I've worked with in the past meant the world to me and I lost a couple of them. One in particular was so special as they announced it I sobbed openly uncontrollably and I had to be comforted. I was NOT having sex with him...he was an unbelievably amazing man who I adored!!

Plus you don't know the woman so you can't say her behavior was unusual. Maybe she had recently lost someone so her wound was deep.

I just think its extra drama no one needs. I agree...if your friends asks you answer....I don't know. Cuz you don't.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Also remember that your friend's pain runs so deeply that worrying about whether her husband cheated is a good diversion. Don't get caught up but suggest she find a counselor to help her through.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
True...that's why it's important you try to diffuse the whole unfaithful part. If you can...
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Registered: 02-14-2004

>>>

Avatar for deenow17
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Registered: 10-12-2004
I would not be so fast to label this woman as the other woman. Everyone responds to grief in their own way. Anyone who didn't know me, would have thought my cousin was my father's daughter when he passed. She doesn't do death well & was crying constantly. She almost passed out at the cemetery and was in such bad shape my Mom took my jacket and wrapped it around my cousin. My cousin is a lovely person but believe me, she wasn't that close to our family especially my Dad. She likely only saw him at most once or twice a year her entire life. She is just overly emotional.

I would be honest with your friend, listen to her pain & anger. Sometimes it's easier to be angry at someone than to grieve. I would tell her you know who she is talking about but unless there is further proof then I won't encourage her to feel that her husband was cheating. Not all men need or want sex surprising as that thought might be. Doesn't mean he is getting it elsewhere.