Friend vs. Fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2013
Friend vs. Fiance
4
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 11:58am

Ok so I'm going to make this very, verly long story short.

My friend, let's call her Bee, is a far left liberal, mwhile I tend to be conservative. We're both 24 and 25, met Freshman year in high school and have been dysfunctional best friends ever since. I say dysfunctional because we've always been total opposites. In high school we didn't even run with the same group of friends. Like at all! But we've always been very close and have told eachother everything.

 

Over the years we've grown apart in distance, as we now live in different cities, but we still talk most every day. It's jus tthat the past couple years we've grown apart in other ways as well. The thing is, I can deal with our opposite views on.. everything. And we do have opposite views on everything. Whaty makes me angry and resentful is her judgement towards me. She judges me all the time because I tend to be traditional in my ideals. I'm getting married this October and ultimately I want to have children, and while they're young I'd like to be a stay at home mom (if we can do that, financially). And she just judges me for that, she thinks she's better than me.

 

She's gay, always has been. That's never changed anything between us (she didn't know she was gay when we met.. but I did! lol). I've never been self conscious that people were thinking we were "together," I've never cared. She's "out there." Everyday I get some crazy text from her.. and the only reason it annoys me is because if I were to text her about how my fiance and I shared a quiet night at home, she'd think I was some bore.

 

Anyways, she and my fiance got into a debate on facebook last night. It was a debate inw hich my fiance didn't disagree with her, he just disagreed with the wasy in which she communicated her message. And she unfriended him. If you're not into facebook, that's kind of a major thing, I mean you can always just hide someone's newsfeed or just ignore them- especially when they're the fiance of your best friend. She was supposed to be in my wedding party but I just don't think I want someone standing up there who can bear to be FACEBOOK friends with my fiance. I;m not even asking her to genuinely like him or be REAL freinds with him. Not only that I feel like she'd be standing up there with me thinking I'm a fool for getting into this traditional marriage thing.

 

And now she's texting me like there's nothing wrong. Should I say somehting? Like, "hey I know you unfriended my fiance and that's kinda lame dude, you can't just ignore his posts or soemthing? he tolerates you!' What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 3:02pm

I concur with that HappyFifties wrote!  Why would unfriending your fiance be the straw that breaks the camel's back when it seems other things she has done are more offensive?  You may want to think about this and perhaps even write down the pros and cons of continuing this friendship.  I am very open-minded when it comes to how others live their lives, even though I am very conservative myself.  I think it speaks volumes of your tolerance that you have held on to this friendship even though your friend has not shown you the same consideration.  Good luck.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 5:10pm

Sometimes it can be nice to have a friend that is totally opposite you but it can also be a lot of work.

How have you put up with her judgmental attitude for all these years? Do you think you might be finally tiring of it?

I don't think I would want to be friends with someone who thinks they are better than me. Maybe you bolster her self esteem, because in her mind she can feel more superior if she weighs her goals and ambitions against yours, since she seems to feel hers are better.

I, personally, couldn't have someone in my wedding party so opposed to my wedding, fiancee or my life choices. What is it that keeps you wanting this friendship? It seems a bit toxic.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 11:42am

I don't think her unfriending your fiance is reason to not have her in your wedding party. Whether or not she likes your fiance doesn't really matter - she is in your wedding to support you and be there for you, not him.

However, if you feel that she does NOT support your choice of a traditional wedding and traditional marriage, that is a separate issue and for me, that would be the reason to remove her from the wedding party.

Just because you've been best friends with someone since high school doesn't mean you have any obligation to remain their best friend forever. People grow and change significantly in that time - friends come and go in all periods of life. Don't hang onto someone who doesn't behave like a best friend should just because you were once very close.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 11:20pm

It looks like she did you both a favor by unfriending him. That way problem solved no more debates on f/b with your fiance. I would think it would concern you more that they were debating on f/b as opposed to her unfriending him. I think you are blowing this thing way out of portion, it's real life relationships that are important instead of these cyber relationships.

Yes she is going on like nothing happened because nothing did, or rather nothing of real importance did. Now you are kicking her out of your wedding for something so petty as unfriending your fiance after a debate. I think you all need to do some maturing and stop putting so much time and energy into f/b.

I have been unfriended by my niece more times than I can count and it really does not bother me. I think it is funny because I put f/b in it's proper place "FOR ENTERTAINMENT". Focus on your wedding plans and stay  out of that one after all the debate was between the two of them, let it go it is not worth ending a friendship over. My husband is not allowed to be f/b friends with any of my friends and vice versa, life is less complicated that way.