friend who won't share

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2010
friend who won't share
11
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 3:52pm

Hello, as u

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 8:24pm

I think I know what the problem is. It's all about her. She thinks about only herself. I probably would have given her the pink slip a long time ago.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 1:17am

I think it's a good idea to only do favors that you don't expect reciprocated...or only spend money that you can afford to lose "helping" a friend.

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Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 10:44am

How about asking her about it next time you see her? Say something light like "hey, I thought that you were taking me with you the next time you went West" and see what she says. Maybe she forgot what she said two years ago. If she then invited you, would you be satisfied and go along?

If your generosity is not reciprocated and you start feeling used then its time to do something. Decide if it feels worse to be ungenerous with her or to always be the giver. Think about whether she "gives" to you in non-monetary ways that might make up for it. And you can always have a frank discussion with her about how you're feeling even though that may make the friendship feel tense and awkward for both of you, or it may clear the air.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-26-2011 - 12:46pm

I would ask her why she hasn't invited you, since she said she would. She sounds like a "taker". "Takers" always seem to hook up with "givers". She sounds like the kind of friend who's always around as long as you're giving.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 7:47am
Dear Gingersnapelle, I think you're correct: I think my friend is a taker. I could give a lot of examples. She has many good characteristics, but this part of her personality is very off-putting, and I don't think that she will change. I have confronted her many times in the past, and she just doesn't change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 7:52am
Dear elc 11, I don't care whether someone gives in monetary or nonmonetary ways. In fact, I would pay my way for this trip; it's the fact that I wasn't invited which gets to me. I know for a fact that she didn't forget. I am trying to decide whether to discuss this incident with her. I'm growing tired of discussing things with her, too. I DO appreciate your advice. and feel, in general, that it is best to clear the air with a friend. It's just that I've done so many times in the past, and nothing ever changes. The older I become, the more discouraged I become about people ever changing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 7:56am
Dear Sillysadie, Thanks for your reply. I don't expect people to "repay" me when I do favors. But, in this case, you're correct that in this particular case, my friend, isn't willing to make an effort for anyone else. I've talked about this with her many times, and she doesn't change. I'm feeling discouraged about the future of this friendship.

Thanks for saying you hope I can visit the West sometime. I will definitely do so one day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 7:58am
Dear thebergh,

Yes, I fear you're correct. I've really hung in there with someone who isn't going to change. You would have been smart to have given such a person the pink slip. I'm starting to think that I give people too many chances to change, and that change seldom, if ever, occurs. For one thing, people have to be willing to admit that they have a problem before they change, and most people who are "takers" don't think they have a problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 6:42pm

Except for loaning money (which I NEVER do) I have had this issue sometimes. I find that I am giving and never getting anything back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 11:31am

I think you should express your feeling and don´t bottle them up for any relationship.

I´d tell her more or less what you said here.

Two years ago, she promised that when she next visited her family out West, she would invite me to go with her.

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