friend won't stop talking about "abuse"!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2008
friend won't stop talking about "abuse"!!
22
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 8:19pm

My fiancee & I live together. One night, about a year ago, I strongly suspected that I accidentally let our cat out of the house... but I made no mention of it, until my fiancee noticed that she was missing almost 24 hours later and asked me when I'd last seen her. We found her in the backyard, hiding and scared. (I am so beyond ashamed of my actions. I was struggling with a major depressive episode at the time, but that's no excuse.) When I told my fiancee that I hadn't even bothered to look for the cat or tell him about it, he was struck with grief and more upset than I'd ever seen him in his life. He threw a small rubber ball at the wall behind me (he was aiming nowhere near me -- believe me, he has really good aim in sports, so I am positive of this). Then, with a door separating us, he threw a small dog toy very hard at our door. He never touched me in any way, either with an object or with his hand, and made no threats towards me, either. My former best friend proclaimed him a "physical abuser." I can tell you with 10000% honesty that he has never gotten physical, ever, in our 10-year relationship. And since that incident last year, absolutely nothing even remotely physical has even happened... the man does not even yell or scream or call me names when he is arguing... ever!!! I am so frustrated because it doesn't seem that I could ever get this girl to change her mind and stop slandering his name to everyone we both know. My other friends completely stand behind me, despite her best efforts to change their opinions, but I am just so frustrated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

well, since you didn't put your name, city, or any other personal info in it I am not sure what the disclaimer is - and hopefully the details that have been changed aren't the ones that would turn it into abuse...(haha, I think??)

Anyway, it doesn't sound like out and out abuse to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

You have to tell her to stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
I remember your last thread about this girl.

It might be time to cut her loose. This has been going on for far too long.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007

To be honest, my DH tends to get angry once in a while, have a big blow up, then he calms down and we move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004

I remember your last post. Give this friend a warning. Tell her to stop talking about this

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
ITA.

She's been putting up with this for too long, and needs to tell that chick where to get off.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Ohhh, I thought I remembered a similar dilemma, but didn't clue in that this may be a repeat performance by this "friend".

OP, time to tell her right off and end it. I don't even think she is worthy of another chance. She's done this long enough and from what I remember, you already expressed your unhappiness about this to her, correct?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008

I remember your thread. She's worried about you and going about things the wrong way. What she's trying to do is recruit others to tell you to get away from your df. I still don't like the idea of him throwing a ball in your direction good aim or not. I used to play baseball and lacrosse. I have pretty good aim too, but no way would a flying object be traveling in my gf's direction on my account.

My sister was in an abusive marriage and it all started with flying objects. Also punching the wall. She and he swore he would never hit her. They lived together for years and eventually, he got around to hitting her. Then it became pretty often, because "it just felt so good to release that anger". He may not be hitting or throwing stuff (with a good aim enough to hit you) but wait till you're married.

You get rid of your friend now, then what? You might be getting rid of the only one who supports you.

Just my .02

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I agree with you bergh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
From what the OP has posted so far, she's not in an abusive relationship.

She "strongly suspected" she let the cat out, but never said anything or checked for 24 hours. Not until her fiancee noticed and asked her about it.

I think he should be as easily forgiven as she is here, apparently. No one's mentioned her acts. And I think his are more easily excused than hers. Sorry OP, but you already acknowledged you screwed up. I don't think it would be something I'd be able to forgive if it were me...

And as far as your friend, she's not acting like one.




 

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