Friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2011
Friends?
8
Mon, 10-10-2011 - 10:56pm

I wanted to reach out to all of you tonight to bounce my situation off of you. I'm not certain if I'm over reacting or not.

My husband and I have a nice group of friends that we do quite a bit of things with from movies to dinners to parties to weekend trips.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 12:22am

Hmmm.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 6:16am
Maybe it's just me but personally, I wouldn't follow the advice from the other response by confronting them all together. I think that would make the group atmosphere really weird and uncomfortable the rest of the evening and possibly for a while after that. Even if nothing is wrong and you are just being paranoid, the rest of the group will be wondering what on earth brought that on, maybe even talking about it amongst themselves behind your back (because it will seem very strange to them if it is just in your head) and therefore it may actually legitimately create the alienation that you were just imagining before.

A lot of people say "trust your gut" but in my experience, people's guts can be very, very wrong sometimes, especially when they have pre-existing issues which can mess with their perceptions. For example, when my husband first met my family, he thought my brother "glared" at him - he was so insistent but I told him he was imagining it because I was there when they shook hands and there was no glaring. Eventually, he finally admitted he was completely wrong, that he was just worrying that my family wouldn't like him and so this imaginary glaring was just a manifestation of his pre-existing fears.

On the other hand, if you're not imagining it, there is potential for the group to "gang up" on you and your husband which will probably go very, very badly. When tensions are high, the more people you mix into it, the worse things can get.

What I would do is go to the person in the group you are closest to. The person you trust the most or the one you feel will be the most understanding or honest. Maybe even someone who knows about your abandonment issues. I would then confide my concerns in that person and see what they say. I would say something like "You know I have some abandonment issues so it could just be my paranoia but I feel like the group has been avoiding me lately, has everyone just been busy lately or have I done something wrong? Because if there is something going on that I'm responsible for, I'd really like to resolve it."

The fact that you've been friends with these people for 8 years is actually significant - it seems unlikely to me that after 8 years, they would suddenly decide to alienate you over something you're clueless about. You'd think after 8 years of friendship, if they had a problem with something you'd said or done, they could talk to you about it. And if it was something major enough that they felt they couldn't talk to you about it, you'd think it would be something you could put your finger on rather than being totally clueless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 9:33am
ukgirl82 wrote:
Maybe it's just me but personally, I wouldn't follow the advice from the other response by confronting them all together. I think that would make the group atmosphere really weird and uncomfortable the rest of the evening and possibly for a while after that.

I didn’t suggest that she confront.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 9:42am
"I didn’t suggest that she confront. If OP speaks to them in the manner in which I suggested, it won’t be a confrontation."

I didn't mean confront in a hostile way, just as something she's bringing up or facing. I guess the word is normally associated with hostility but it does not always have to be used that way. When I Google the word, it gives me two definitions:

1. Meet (someone) face to face with hostile or argumentative intent.
2. Face up to and deal with (a problem or difficult situation).

I was using it as the second definition describes, not the first.

"The atmosphere is already weird and uncomfortable. "

Not if she's imagining it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 10:02am

"2. Face up to and deal with (a problem or difficult situation)."

(That's how problems -

Avatar for colorado_alison
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 11:30am

Coming out of lurkdom because this one resonated with me a bit as one of my friends in our group (four couples)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 1:15pm

I am more inclined to agree with UK and Colorado.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: ashcap
Tue, 10-11-2011 - 3:34pm

Ashcap, I agree with UKgirl.