Is friend's boyfriend coming on to meor what ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Is friend's boyfriend coming on to meor what ?
10
Fri, 07-26-2013 - 1:49am

I asked my friend if i could borrow some tools for a project.  She's said yes but she is out of town but her boyfriend would be there. She'd let him know I was coming to get them. 

So, I went over there. got the tools and he offered to help me out.  I already know that both of them help her friends a lot with diferent things. So I said great,I would appreiate that and  I texted him my phone number so he could let me know when he was coming.  As a thanks, I ofered to fix him dinner.  That is just not unusal for me and my friend to feed each other.  His response " oh you little cutie. Then keeps texting me and calling me cutie.   Boy, that doesn't fell right. I am not a little cutie.  We are grandarents.I don't want to make a big deal of this but don't like being called cutie by my friend's boyfriend, or anyone really.  expecially "Little cutie" .

I'd really appreciate help with this and also want to nip this in the bud. 

Any suggestions how to say don't call me that. Did I say anything to give him the wrong impression or what?? 

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think that offering to fix him dinner when his GF is out of town & the 2 of you would be alone could be seen by him as a come-on or that you're interested.  I don't think I would ever do that w/ someone else's BF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

I don't know if he's just doing this to YOU or if this is just the way he talks to people.  I volunteer as a receptionist for a local senior's organization.  I'm appalled at how often somebody comes in and calls me sweety or honey or darling or some other inappropriate greeting.  I think people have the idea that we grandmothers LIKE being called "adorable" names.  I'd tell him outright that you don't want him calling you "little cutie" and would prefer to be called by your first name (or if you want to get the point across a bit more forcefully Mrs. XXX.)  If he continues, remind him each time...especially in front of your friend who will hopefully let him know it's inappropriate and correct the problem for you by having a talk with her boyfriend. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Yep, that is what I did. Told him Id like him to call me by.my name. Then he said he would help me but not have dinner. All this was n in texts. Perhaps my offer to feed him confused him. Wow. Gee I made so many platonic meals for men. Did not think anything of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002

I was operating on complete trust. especially when my girlriend loans him out for handyman stuff with her friends. I did not want to be one of those friends who takes advantge of his goodwill, He is coming over to help me anyway so i really id not think anything of offering him a meal when he is done.

OH well. It is resolved.It just got really wierd with him calling me cutie. Ater that I did not answer til I ifgured out what to say to him.  He then texted me 8 more times until midnight> Wow you must go to bed early.  RU still awake? We'll solve the problem cutie, . Then at 6 am another text: Then another later this morning ansking if I still wanted some help.  That is when i finally said I would apprcaite the help and would appreciaet him using my name because Little Cutie" and Cutie were names I would call a small child or intimate friend.  As long as we are in agreement about that, I welcome his help. So he said, I woul help me but not have dinner.  Great!!  It is solved. If when he does come over there is anything little thing.  He is out and I'll try to do it myself.

  Boy, wake up call.  I've been so single, and platonic for so long! 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Sounds like it has worked out, but wanted to chime in anyways.  I will be curious if he actually comes over and helps you.

I don't think there is any hard fast rule for the "cutie, honey, sweetie" thing.  Everyone is different.  That is a topic all of in and of its self.  

He starts calling your cutie and sending you texts until midnight, and again at 6:00 am while his GF is out of town.  That, I think, is the concerning part.

I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and hope that he was simply 'unthinking' and maybe is somewhat enamored with you or has a small crush.  Or somewhat physically attracted to you.  I mean, lets face it, I think we all have someone in our lives that has caught our attention for one reason or another. 

Just recently, my DH had a female misinterpret their working relationship and he had to honestly look at what he had possibly said or done to have mislead her.  In hindsight, he now sees how she may read him wrong, but he also had to look at what he could have done differently, and what to watch for in the future with other females whether in a work, or social settings.

Hopefully, this is one of those learning experiences for you.  (and hopefully for him, too)  Lastly, it is not uncommon to give someone working in your home a beverage, snack, or a meal.  I think the difference is that this felt like an "invitiation" after he was done working.  Made it feel a little bit more social versus working. 

Just my two cents.  Again, very curious what happens!

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002

Serenity,

I thiknk you are right on.  No, it is not unusual  in any way to offer food or cold drink to feed someone who comes over right after work, at dinner time to work in 94 degree temp helping someone put in an air conditioner.  In no way was it an "invitation"  He responded like it was.  My exact "invitation" was, Since you are coming over to help me, I'll  feed you some dinner. How does Ribs and corn on the cob sound? My guess, like you said, he was unthinking, has a bit of a crush, or is a player.  I do not know either of them that well. If he has a bit of a crush or if he thought I was "inviting" him to something more than working  and getting fed, and if he was a straight up guy an faithful to his partner, he would not have responded the way he did anyway.

He did come over, we worked together an hour and a half and got the job done with no further "funny stuff". Every thing was all business.  It was hot and I was hungry,  so I did offer him a cold drink and made some nachos because i was starving  So we had the drink, ate nachos and chatted  a bit. Completely nuetral. for a while.  I learned about him.  He told me he has got in trouble before becuase he did somethng stupid.   I did not ask him to elaborate.  Then he started  complaining about my friend. Then he said to me that he never tells her anymore when he helps her firends. I know that is not true.  And then said, I'm thinking about that song, " When you belong to someone when the right one comes along'   I nipped that in the bud and then we said good bye.

Then the texts start.  Eight of them. They all sounded like he thought we had a date.  "REally nice being with you tonight.mmmmm.   We forgot to taste your wine ( we'd talked about wines) What are you doing?  at 11pm: Wanna cum over and bring your wine? . Wish I was there. mmmm. At midnight:: Good nite with sweet hot dreams, mmmm.  

The only one I responded to was the one at 11 pm that said , You wanna cum over here with your wine? I said NO, not gonna do that!

Next day I texted him and said, Where were you coming from with talking to me like that.  Not OK. Don't think your GF would like it if she knew you were talk to her friend like that. Both she and i deserve more respect than that. Also told him when my friends husbands or partners come over to help me they know about it so I was not going to agree with the "don't tell policy" that he tried to get me to believe was in place..

Then he said please, please, please don't tell her. I promise I will never do that again"    "Good idea, to never do that again. I told him.  "This time I see no need to tell her bcause she is no dummy and not much gets by her but I will not ever lie to her"

Needless to say... he will not be a friend's partner that will be coming over to help me anymore. I'm keeping a copy of all his texts just in case he ever blames me for his behavior.  I did absolutely nothing that I have not done with any other platonic friend male or female. I am proud of myself in not ignoring the uncomfortable feelings I had and that I  let said something to  him  rather than ignore it. 

No more texts since then!  Some guys are idiots.  I've had married men come onto me before. (Not my friends husbands!) They all use the same lines and variations thereof. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002

Serenity,

I thiknk you are right on.  No, it is not unusual  in any way to offer food or cold drink to feed someone who comes over right after work, at dinner time to work in 94 degree temp helping someone put in an air conditioner.  In no way was it an "invitation"  He responded like it was.  My exact "invitation" was, Since you are coming over to help me, I'll  feed you some dinner. How does Ribs and corn on the cob sound? My guess, like you said, he was unthinking, has a bit of a crush, or is a player.  I do not know either of them that well. If he has a bit of a crush or if he thought I was "inviting" him to something more than working  and getting fed, and if he was a straight up guy an faithful to his partner, he would not have responded the way he did anyway.

He did come over, we worked together an hour and a half and got the job done with no further "funny stuff". Every thing was all business.  It was hot and I was hungry,  so I did offer him a cold drink and made some nachos because i was starving  So we had the drink, ate nachos and chatted  a bit. Completely nuetral. for a while.  I learned about him.  He told me he has got in trouble before becuase he did somethng stupid.   I did not ask him to elaborate.  Then he started  complaining about my friend. Then he said to me that he never tells her anymore when he helps her firends. I know that is not true.  And then said, I'm thinking about that song, " When you belong to someone when the right one comes along'   I nipped that in the bud and then we said good bye.

Then the texts start.  Eight of them. They all sounded like he thought we had a date.  "REally nice being with you tonight.mmmmm.   We forgot to taste your wine ( we'd talked about wines) What are you doing?  at 11pm: Wanna cum over and bring your wine? . Wish I was there. mmmm. At midnight:: Good nite with sweet hot dreams, mmmm.  

The only one I responded to was the one at 11 pm that said , You wanna cum over here with your wine? I said NO, not gonna do that!

Next day I texted him and said, Where were you coming from with talking to me like that.  Not OK. Don't think your GF would like it if she knew you were talk to her friend like that. Both she and i deserve more respect than that. Also told him when my friends husbands or partners come over to help me they know about it so I was not going to agree with the "don't tell policy" that he tried to get me to believe was in place..

Then he said please, please, please don't tell her. I promise I will never do that again"    "Good idea, to never do that again. I told him.  "This time I see no need to tell her bcause she is no dummy and not much gets by her but I will not ever lie to her"

Needless to say... he will not be a friend's partner that will be coming over to help me anymore. I'm keeping a copy of all his texts just in case he ever blames me for his behavior.  I did absolutely nothing that I have not done with any other platonic friend male or female. I am proud of myself in not ignoring the uncomfortable feelings I had and that I  let said something to  him  rather than ignore it. 

No more texts since then!  Some guys are idiots.  I've had married men come onto me before. (Not my friends husbands!) They all use the same lines and variations thereof. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Okay, I hate name calling, but what a jerk. 

Stay far, far away! 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002

I agree a jerk!   Have to say I was shocked!   I have kown my friend for only about 4 months.  And only met the guy once before.  She's been with him for six years. She once  told me she doesn't see him as someone who is Mr. Right for her. Really?!!  My previous impression: she was with a nice guy that she kept around for handiman with benefits but wasn't that into.  Maybe he is not so Mr Nice Guy afterall.

Whatever is going in in their relationship is none of my business. I have my own opinions. Another story.  Another time. LOL

Thanks for your input and validation. .  My instincts were right.  He was coming on to me. Unbelievable.  I will not outright tell her but if she ever mentions anything I will not not say anything or lie to her.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Glad you put him is his place! Good for you!