Friends leave me out, but discuss plans in front of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Friends leave me out, but discuss plans in front of me.
8
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 2:29am

Hi ,

I have been taking an excercise dance class since June and become friends with a group of about 12 ladies who take this class. The ladies range in age from about 35 to 49. We have gone out to dinner/dancing/for drinks several times since I joined the class and I have had a lot of fun. BUT, sometimes they do things that don't include me .The "problem" I sort of have with this is that they talk about these plans that I am excluded from IN FRONT OF ME. I understand I may not be included in everything, and I can accept that, but why do they talk about this right in front of me? Sometimes, it's the whole group that does stuff I am not included in, other times it's just some of the ladies who do things together. I realize that sometimes in a group, some of the ladies will have their own "sub group" that does not included everyone. I don't have a problem with this. What I do think is somewhat rude is to NOT include me and then talk about these plans right in front of me, or later talk about how much fun the activity was that I was not invited to. (Again, this seems like total "high school" behavior, and these ladies are past H.S, so I don't get it.)

I will give you examples. After our Halloween class, I was talking to my group of friends and they were

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Do you not find those women's behavior to be bizarre, not to mention shallow and judgemental? I'd keep my eyes wide open.

Just sayin....

 

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010

Sadie...that's a funny story!

It's hard to know exactly why the invites aren't put out there for you? It's rude to talk about get-togethers in front of you, if your not invited....but maybe, it's not a big secret & they just expect you to include yourself, without a formal invite?

I would do get-togethers all the time with a group of people....even if I didn't have a change of clothes. Heck, I invite myself, if I'm not officially invited...I don't care!

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004

Hi Sillysadie,

Thanks for your respone. That is so "funny" that they mistook the other car for yours, and thought your beliefs were different than theirs.

I have to tell you something-I sometimes drive a 1973 yellow VW bug, but it does not have any political stickers on it, so this does not explain anything in my case, LOL. The car is really my hubbys "baby" and it does have a sticker for the music band "Nine Inch Nails" in the back window. My hubby loves this band.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004

Hi Jem87-

I just replied to the first poster and basically said the following: I am a friendly, outgoing person. I have a dance background, and I dance in musicals with 3 different theater groups, so believe me, I am not at all shy, withdrawn, or distant in any way. And, due to my dance backgrouond, I am very confident. A lot of times, people will tell me I seem "so confident".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004

Hi UKgirl82-

I am a friendly, outgoing person. I have a dance background, and I dance in musicals with 3 different theater groups, so believe me, I am not at all shy,withdrawn, or distant in any way.( However, I am not one of those overly "dramatic" types either .I save the drama

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

There can be lots of reasons for this...let me tell you my story!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008

I've been in this situation before too and it always turns out that I've been either too restrained, too quiet, or come across as uninterested. As soon as I started putting myself out there- which was scary because I didn't want to look pathetic or infringe on their friendships if I was unwanted- things got better. Try being as outgoing as possible- approach them and suggest a dinner, complement them on their video and say "I'd love to help with the next one if you need more dancers!" They won't always invite you but slowly if they see you're putting in that effort, they will naturally think of you more. Also keep in mind, if they didn't want you around, they wouldn't invite you to the dinner and drinks that they already have. I find that infiltrating a group of close girl friends is incredibly difficult. You have to understand that some of these women are just better friends, always have been closer to each other, and always will be. Some of the things they do will be just them. If you start making a bigger effort and really putting yourself out there, you'll be even more attractive as a friend and look confident. I've had the most success being invited when I seem confident and put myself out there. It also never hurts, as was suggested, to pull someone aside and ask if you did something but I would save that until after you make an effort and (heaven forbid) find yourself in the same situation. Just focus on being happy, energetic, and outgoing around them and instead of thinking that you've done something wrong, just realize they may not think you're interested in being closer and when you show that to them, it could all change. Good luck!

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
My guess is that they think you're not interested and maybe you've inadvertently done something to give them that impression. Maybe you've emotionally kept yourself at a distance somehow and they just don't feel as close to you. I don't think what they are doing is intentional.

Is there anyone you feel closer to than the others? I would pull her aside and ask her if you've done anything to offend anyone - not that I think you have but just use it as an opener because when she says "No, why?" you can explain that you've noticed a lot of times you are excluded from social events that everyone else from the class is invited to. Like I say, it might be unintentional and once brought to their attention, it will be resolved.