Friendship confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Friendship confusion
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:04pm

Hi all, I'm 21 and a junior in college. I just need someone to talk to that can talk me through a little confusion in one of my friendships. I will give you the details...

Last semester, a best friend and I hung out constantly, I never had to ask her to hang out it was just a given that we were going to hang out. We had a little falling out with another friend we work with but have recently become friends with her again because she apologized and wants to be friends. Well, now my best friend is spending all of her waking time with our other friend who we haven't been as close to. My best friend is acting really weird saying I'm the one that's always busy and I never ask to hang out but our other friend asks her to so that's why she's always with her. I'm feeling very left out in this situation and I've tried to talk to my best friend she just says that I need to ask to hang out but every time I do she's always with our other friend. This is really bothering me and I don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:46pm

Yup, here's my advice...You are a junior in college not a jr. in high school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 4:53pm

Hi Stephanien. Read your friends actions. Give her time with the other woman and I promise you, she will eventually be calling you. If your best friend is acting weird, go by her actions and not what she is saying. When a person starts to act different around you, then you also back off. I just went through the same thing. A friend of mine would get bothered because I wanted to hang out with the other friend and I kind of got turned off. If my friend would have given me some space, then I would have called her but I felt the tug of war going on and decided to part my ways with my one friend. That is the reason why I say, give your best friend some breathing space, let her call you. I know this is tough but her actions are saying that she wants to hang out more with the other friend right now. You sound very sincere and I know it hurts when we feel kind of rejected but some people will get turned off if you don't let them have their space. Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 6:45pm

To the OP:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:58am
Honestly this sounds like a lot of drama that you really don't need to deal with. People who are adults and have friends are able to communicate, offer invitations and set boundaries, along with not allowing petty things become conflicts. It seems this "friend" is incapable of all of these things. If you not initiating hanging out was so bothersome, why didn't she ever bring it up before? But now, with the other person in the picture, she must feel that she needs to compare and that's what she is saying.

The relationship these two also have is a little immature if they are unwilling to be adults and say "hey why don't we have stephanie hang out with us this time, and next time could just be the two of us?" I can understand some friendship dynamics are different than others, so not everyone is going to get along with each other or are able to hold conversations together, but this just plain sounds like ownership crap that you experience back in junior high. I never understood it at all.

Honestly, I would just let the situation be and focus on your studies. The fall semester is starting again and remember that you don't need this kind of drama interfering with your ability to get to your senior year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:36am

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I guess the only reason this started to bother me is because I've never really had a "close" friend or someone I could call a "best" friend. I've always had trouble making or keeping friends because in high school they always seemed to move after awhile so I stopped being too close with people. Now that she's been so close to me this past semester I feel like I was scared if she let me go for whatever reason but we just have conflicting schedules that I guess hers works better with our other friends so that's why they see each other more. I do feel like I have to compare with the other friend but I guess in the end it doesn't matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 1:23pm

Hi Stephanien. I think a lot of people do the most growing and changing during their college years. There are friends I had in college that I thought would be a friend for life. Then there are people I wasn't particularly close to while we were in college and now we click so well, we consider each other very good friends. I guess I would carry on as though nothing is really happening. Step back a little and see where this is going. Only time will tell.

It could be she feels a sense of guilt about the "fall out" and is "making up for lost time" with her. I'll tell you one thing, if you end up being clingy, she may feel smothered and back off a bit. That's why I was saying to just give her some space. I agree with the poster who suggested you giving her enough space that she's hanging out with other girl and she'll end up coming back to hang out with you.

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