Is this friendship worth keeping or not??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
Is this friendship worth keeping or not??
12
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 1:16am
iVillage Member
Posts: 1
Registered: 6 hours ago
Drop friendships or not?
2
6 hours ago

I am a 55 year old woman, single , with no children. I live alone and value my friendships. I have a friend my exact same age. I just don't know if the friendship is worth keeping or not. Several months ago, she asked me to eat out with her on a certain night. I scheduled my entire day around that, and didn't hear from hear at all. So I finally texted her and asked what was up. She said she forgot and was at her mother's eating. I told her that I had waited all day. She said that I should not have gotten upset, that she just forgot. I would have never done that to her, and if I had, I would have been more apologetic about it. Then I almost cancelled a trip with her in July, when she told me what I could pack and bring on the trip and also told me that she wouldn't be using the air conditioner on the trip?! Well i went anyway and a friend of hers went with us. She did not tell me until time to go home that we would be making a 4 hour detour to take him home. I assumed that he had driven to her house. So what should have been an hour trip without a/c became a 5 hour trip without a/c, and I became so hot and sick that I could not eat. I have diabetes and am supposed to eat every 4 hours at least. I would think it would be a money thing not to turn a/'c on, but I paid for the gas for the entire trip. She finally turned it on when we were almost home but it was almost too late then. She said that just she and I would go back to the mountains in October. In the meantime she started seeing a new guy, and all of a sudden she has no time for me anymore, and I did not hear from hear for weeks, except on Facebook, when she would "like" a post. Then she sent me a text asking for the name of a cabin in the mountains and I thought she was making reservations for the two of us. Friday night, I was in a bad automobile accident and sent her a text asking if she could pick me up from the hospital if it wasn't too late. I did not hear from her for hours, then when she did text she said that she was with her new boyfriend, sorry. I called a cab home in the meantime. She did pick me up from the library, about 1/2 mile from her house, and took me home, 1 mile away the next day. this morning she asked if I needed anything, and I asked her to give me a ride to the library again. My car was totalled and I do not have a rental car yet. She showed up to pick me up talking on the phone and I heard her tell someone that she would be out of town from the next day till next week. I asked her after she hung up where she was going. She said she was going to the mountains. I asked her if she was going with the new boyfriend, and she confirmed that. I asked her if that meant that she and I were not longer going, and she said yes, sorry. I do not feel that she was obligated to go with me, but that she was obligated to let me know right away that she and I were not going. I also said that i never thought that she was the kind of woman that made her friends 2nd class citizens when she had a new boyfriend. I told her that and she said that she did not mean to hurt my feelings. and said with the wreck made my schedule unpredictable. the wreck just happened a few days ago and I was not badly hurt. I asked her via text when she planned to tell me that we were not going together and she never answered. I am happy that she has a new boyfriend, but I feel that I am being treat badly. I have a boyfriend, too, but I make time for friends. What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2011
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 4:42am

Hi Katlig, 

Your friend seems to care at times and not at other times. If I had a friend like that I probably wouldnt rely on her very much and ask her for too many favours. Do you have other friends who can help you out with lifts etc? To be honest, Im not sure why you called or texted her from the hospital and not your boyfriend. Wouldnt you have wanted him to come and pick you up? 

When my friends dissapoint me, I put it down to a few things... they are busy with their lives or there is an issue that needs to get resolved. If there is an issue with your friend, could you ask her to go for a coffee one day and mention some of the things to her that upset you, and then see what her reaction is as to how you want to manage this friendship going forward? eg the air con story and the fact that she sprung it on you about the holiday and letting you down about the dinner? 

Good luck, and remember, there are many more friends to make when you join a club or an interest group. 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 4:25pm

Your friend sounds pretty unreliable and inconsiderate. If you enjoy her company when you do get together, then don't drop the friendship but become more cautious. If you make plans with her then contact her 12-24 hrs in advance to confirm that its still on before you plan your entire day around her. I probably would not make any long range plans with her, or do activities that span several days, because you have already seen that she doesn't much take your needs or your feelings into account. Remember the old saying "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". She has shown you what you can expect from her.

If you don't even enjoy the time spent together that much, then start focusing more on your other friends. If she notices your absence and asks about it, you can tell her that you got tired of being blown off. At that point you two can decide if you want to work on rebuilding the friendship, or say farewell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 8:02pm

The reason I did not ask my boyfriend to pick me up from the hospital is that he works nights and had just gotten to work 5 counties over. He did pick me up the next morning to get my prescriptions filled, and has driven me around all day today and yesterday. And she lives about 3 miles from the hospital and I knew she was off that night. I appreciate your comments as it has given me new things to think about. I do think she is a little bit of "my way or no way", and a little self centered.  And I think that I am a very loyal friend. So, going forward, I need to take that into account. Thanks again.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-26-2013 - 2:58pm

I caught your posts in both sections, and someone mentioned "fair weathered friends."  I think this is more what she is.

If you enjoy her company, then by all means stay friends, but clearly for that to work you need to accept her for who she is.  Can't stay friends with someone and expect them to change.  It is normal for things to change when a gal gets a new BF, but that doesn't excuse her forgetfulness, as if your time isn't important and valuable. 

I have a great friend that I don't see as much as I wish, but we are always honest about our schedule and don't make plans that we can't follow through on.  Sometimes I feel a little slighted, but the thing is she is honest about her priorities.  And I am sure there have been days where she has thought "really, you couldn't fit this in?" But I have to be honest, too. 

Good luck and remember that not all friendships stay the same.  It is okay if your friendship with her changes.  Don't hang on her so tight that you keep other new friendships out. 

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 09-27-2013 - 9:09am

Can I be honest with you here?

You may be 55, but you sound about 20....

At the end of the day...your friend owes you nothing. (and neither you her). Her main priority is her own life, her potential life partner and their plans. This is just a 'sad but true' fact of life. Friends are all well and good but everyone's number one in life is their partner, and close blood relatives. Friends, sadly, come and go - because they can. If at some point in the future you find yourself with a new bf I have no doubt that you too will make him your priority. At 55..I'd have thought you'd know this..?

I'd say she's waaaay too important in your life. Friends shouldn't BE your life. At the very least there should be more than one friend whom you can do things with if others aren't available. I know it's easier said than done. But I have been there myself and I know that single people can't really expect coupled ones to make them a priority and that no ONE friend should be relied on to be there for you 24/7, whatever happens.

Sorry - again, at 55..you know that such is life, and it won't be changing anytime soon....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 1:43am

Well, I appreciate your comment, Julia, but I beg to differ. I have had several friends that were there for me, when I was in the hospital, when I was sick, for many different things. She is not my only friend, but my other friends are: losing their vision and can't drive, one is going through cancer treatment, another lives 100 miles away. And my current boyfriend is relatively new, and I still make time for my friends. Last year, I was dating a nice gentleman, and on our 3rd date, we went over and helped the friend that I posted about, move into her new house. I could have went on a date with him and told her I was busy with a potential life partner, but my friendships mean something to me. And so does my word. If I tell someone I am going to do something, I do it, unless I am deathly ill. If you have had only friendships like you describe in your post, that is sad. I do appreciate your input, though. And by the way, at 55 friends become even more important and precious than they are at 20.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 11:45am

'.. I could have went on a date with him and told her I was busy with a potential life partner, but my friendships mean something to me. And so does my word. If I tell someone I am going to do something, I do it, unless I am deathly ill.'

I salute you. You are a good person and a good friend if that is how you are. What I'm saying is....you cannot expect OTHER  people to be this way to you. Friends don't owe you anything. They don't have to keep their word or help you in crisis or meet up with you when you're lonely. It's painful and - if you build your life around your friends, can be soul destroying, but it's very true. I repeat what I said: people's priority  are NOT their friends but their partners, and very close blood relatives. That is just a sad fact of life. People don't tend to do what they don't HAVE to.

And I never said friendships were not important at 55. What I said was that at 55, you'd know that what I've written above is true, and won't change. A 20 y old girl might expect a close friend to drop all else and run to her should she be needed. And cry for days if that doesn't happen. A 55 y old woman, imho, should just understand that one ONLY has oneself, one's partner and, if extraordinairly lucky, family to rely on.

Sad..but true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 2:35pm

As a 56 yr old woman, I have to say that my friends have turned out to be a lot more loyal & there for me than a couple of exhusbands!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
Fri, 10-11-2013 - 1:40am

Thank you for acknoweldging that. Friends can be more loyal than family for many people. My family are great people, but mostly young men that don't understand anything other than having fun and partying. I had loyal friends for years, but unfortunately several have passed away. I lost 2 just this year. But yet, another friend offered to drive down from several counties over to help me. And if a friend had called from a hospital 3 miles away and said, I was in a wreck, can you come? and I was with my boyfriend, I would say, Hon, sorry, but a friend has an emergency. My boyfriend is so sweet, he would not only understand but insist of course I should go and probably go with me. But I am going to consider it her loss, because I am a loyal friend and I would have been there for her. No sense in holding on to a friendship once you know they won't be there for you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
Fri, 10-11-2013 - 1:42am

Thanks for all the comments.

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