Frustrated with whole family!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Frustrated with whole family!
4
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 11:03pm
I hope someone can offer some advice on why my own Mother treats me so unkindly.

My Mother was divorced with two young son's when she met my Father. My Father was elated by my birth and I think for some reason my Mother resent's me for ever being born. My Father took great care of her and the two boys. But throughout my childhood there was always this invisible division between me and my brothers (I didn't even understand that they we're only my half brothers until around 12 yo)My brothers and I we're very close but when an argument ensued between us my Mother would verbally attack me and they would go unpunished. I remember several time's she brought them home treats or small gifts and didn't "have enough money" for anything for me. Once she slapped me so hard I got a bloody nose after I told on one of my brothers who had knocked my school books off of the table. His form of a joke to pick on his little sister. I don't mean to insinuate that she was physically abusive because she was not. She chose to not talk to me, or insult me in front of guests, family. She rarely said things insulting to my face.

I wasn't a rotten kid either. I got good grades, I was popular, I was talented at playing the piano and won several awards.

Eventually, after my brothers went off to college, she became more angry at me. I was still in junior high and by the end of my freshman year, my Dad and Mom divorced. She thought my Dad was "boring".

What hurts so much, is that for all those years, I was completely clueless as to why she was so mean to me. I loved her, why didn't she love me? Another saying of hers "I have to love you because your my daughter, but it doesn't mean I have to like you." After college, our relationship got better. Now I am 30 years old, married with a son. She absolutely adore's my son. She gives him everything and anything he wants. She moved closer to my home so that she could spend more time with him. My son adore's her too and I love that. Ironically, she doesn't lavish my brother's children even minutely as much as she does my son. Another reason, I am so completely confused by her.

Is this a way to dig the knife deeper in my back? Why does she have a personal vendetta against me?

Well...presently, she's ticked off at me again. She recently hurt her back gardening. She told the whole family that it was my fault because I hurt her back when I was born. (note: she doesn't say it directly to me as usual.) Instead, she calls me to spend the weekend with her and take care of her. I did. The Doctor told her that she would have to have surgery. She did. I took off of work to prepare meals ahead of time, clean her house, move obstacles out of the way. Plus go down to the hospital at least twice a day.

She called my brothers to come and provide emotional support as well as help me organize her house. My oldest brother and his wife thought this granted them the priveledge of spouting out orders to everyone and questioning the doctors whether she was fit to go home. My middle brother had enough of it and doesn't want to help anymore. They also felt she should go to a nursing home for awhile. When the rest of the family disagreed with that idea. His wife became so mad she refused to get out of the car and help us reorganize her house. My Mother is only 58 years old by the way, she's far from being an invalid. And her husband takes very good care of her. My oldest brother and I ended up having a bad argument. His wife wanted to leave and I felt they should stay and help her. After all they had been planning to stay another week and she just got out of the hospital only a couple of hours ago and this is when she will need the most help, but his wife's feeling we're hurt and she wanted to go now. So they left back to Nevada (three states away) and I stayed for another 7 hours finishing up and preparing more meals. My stepdad asked me to come back at 8 pm to tend to her. I just called and asked how she was doing. He said she was mad at me. I asked why and he said that she is saying that it's my fault my oldest brother left. I asked if I should still come over. He asked her and she said "no". I told my stepdad I didn't understand why she was mad at me. The reason for the argument was BECAUSE they wanted to leave and I thought they should stay. He also said she thinks I started the argument because I am "Jealous of my brother and his wife" This again is one of her wacky statements. I have never been jealous of either brother or their wives. In fact I am always so proud of them and their accomplishments,

As they are mine. We joke about alot of thing's. Like my brothers BMW. But he jokes about how much money I make and how easy my job is compared to his. (I'm an Interior Designer of Aircraft and he's an Department of Energy Engineer for the state.) My middle brother is an unemployed, plumber going thru a bitter seperation and who is currently living with me again.


Please help me make light of my Mother and any advice on how to deal with her. I am at the point of walking away from her.

Thanks,

Tee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 9:05am
I know how you feel. I always 'bugged' my mother from the day I was born. My siblings can do no wrong, if they robbed a bank it would be someone else's fault. If I did a minor thing wrong I was horrible. I have never totally figured it out. I have much more education than my mother, perhaps that irked her? She had two other kids to care for when I came along, I guess I was an additional burden that she resented deeply. My siblings look like her, and have the same material loves that she does. I was bookish while my mother never read a book. Maybe you can just accept it but never really explain it. I avoid my mother now as much as possible. I have 'unplugged' emotionally. I find her overtures to my kids phoney and irritating. I see my parents because I think it is good for my kids to see their gp's once in awhile. But, I am learning more and more how to detach and pull away. You get to an age where you have to do this to protect yourself. How much time can you waste being hurt by her? I don't trust my mother, she looks for ammo against me all the time. I don't care if she is mad, I don't want to invest the emotional energy in her anymore.
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:52am
First off I am glad you found us!! Please feel free to post as mucha s your time allows. Jump in whenever you can. We would love to have you join our little group.

Now for your mother. There is only so much we can take, emotionally and spiritually. I think that maybe you should talk it over with her. Let her know how much these things hurt and how they affect you. Sounds like she has been doing this so long maybe she doesn't know how they hurt you. She must care for you because how could she love your son, who is a major part of you, and not love you? Sometimes we just need a little break. Maybe you could take some time away from her. Have you ever talked about this to your dad? Maybe he could offer some insight on this. Maybe they had troubles and she just laid the blame for her feelings about him at your feet.

We are here for ya!! Let us know how things go and what you decide. Until then~~~Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 2:04pm
That situation is awful. Unfortunatly there isnt anything you can do to change her so you might as well not let her bother you. Its good that she and your son have a nice relationship so keep taking him by to see her if nothing else.

Have you confronted her over the difference in how she treats you compared to your brothers? Maybe she doesnt even realize she is doing it. Anyway good luck and try not to let her get to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 6:10pm
Thank you for your replies. It's good to know that I am not alone with Mother's that play favorites. It's also good to know that people understand what I am going thru.

I spoke to my middle brother last night (The one who left due to his own frustration with the older brother and his wife.) He told me not to worry about Mom. He also thanked me for doing so much for her despite the insults and gossip. He said he can't do it because he get's frustrated with all of her negative talk. My oldest brother is the same way. They both have a distorted perception of self-importance and what other's do are and can never be as important.

My Step-Dad who is 72 years old. Quite a bit older than her. Called me at 7:30 am and asked me to come over. He said he can't take care of her. He's so tired and had hardly slept. I swallowed my pride and went over. She wouldn't even look or talk to me but asked my step-dad to tell me what she needed. Pretty juvenile I think. But SIGH.....Anyway around 11:00 am my husband brought over my son who is on spring break and she lit up like a Christmas Tree. They giggled, watched cartoons, ate popsicles and had a great time. All the while I stayed out of the way unless called upon in a secondary manner.

I talked further with my Step Dad and suggested that maybe we can find a rehab center that she can get better in for a couple of weeks. He asked her if she would agree to that. She did, but insisted it could not be a nursing home. I called around and found one nearby. A nurse is coming over tonight to evaluate her condition and if he gives the ok, her medical will pay for it. I think this would be good, as of next week my son will be back in school and I have to get to my office before my paperwork and phone messages pile up too badly!!!

Thanks so much for inviting me in this group. I feel it's a great way to release and also be able to help others.


Thanks again,

Tee