give friend money

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
give friend money
16
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 4:11am

I have a good friend who lost her business and home and now rents a tiny.place and lives on SS. and food stamps. She is looking for work and wants to take a trip to a 10 year anniversary memorial for her daughter but said she doesn't have money for it or anything else. When she had money she had always been generous to others.

I, too live on SS rent a tiny place and struggle to make ends meet. Nothing for extras and not even dental care. Nonetheless I decided to tightened up so I could help her out with a liitle. I had a card and some $ ready to go in the mail when during a phone conversation she mentioned to me that she has been doing some online dating and signed up for a couple of those sites that have membership fees. She said, its my fun. After that I had 2nd thoughts about sending her money becsuse to me that is not a neccessity. I'd even like to do that but can't afford it. I'd have make a sacrifice to send her some $
Seems if she can pony up an extra $60 or so every month for those fees she can pony up money for that trip..

What do you think, should I send her $ or not.

K

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Avatar for epdebt
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2013
Wed, 12-04-2013 - 9:43am

Hi, after reading this post I would not send money, it sounds like your a nice person, I would also question the freindship you have here.

Dating sites are meant to be a place to meet some with a long term view. I hope you resolve this issue.

My objective is very simply to ensure that anyone with debt problems has direct access to free debt advice and the appropriate information and tools to help them make the best decision to achieve a debt free future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:03pm

Don´t lend her money. Lending money to friends or relatives is always a bad thing, you lose your money and also the relationship.It´s good to be nice, but you have to be nice to yourself first. If lending money means a sacrifice, don´t do it.

You can only lend the money that you don´t need, and you don´t expect to receive back.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 4:00pm

You should not give her the money ,as you said you will have tighten up and sacrifice to help her . If she really wanted to go to this ,she would be the one making sacrifices to make sure she was able to go. You sound like a wonderful friend ,don't allow yourself to be in an ever tighter spot than you already live in to help someone else. If you can go without and save money ,she should be able to for her own child.Treat yourself to something nice that you have wanted for a long time but wouldn't splurge on,some people never learn to do things for themselves if others will stand up and handle things for them.I wish you the best of luck and I hope you do something wonderful for yourself,it sounds to me like you deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 8:44am

You are right to have second thoughts about sending your friend money. If she can spend that type of money for a dating site, you can see where her priorties lie. Don't waste your money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 8:47pm
. My new business is bringing in a little more these days making things easier for me now. What was i thinking, just because things have been a little easier for me lately. Giving any money to anyone is not a good idea....until I have more than enough for the things I need. So, with no retirement, living on minimum SS and a bit more from my at home business, savings that would only last 6 months, age 67, I'm gonna have to say no to any temptation to give to someone worse off than me or my kids school fundraisers, my church, anyone!!!! Even so, I am getting by because I put off a lot of things that would be good for me because of money, getting that filling, yoga classes, some advertising for my business, an online dating profile..... LOL Because of my very frugal, not normally giving money to anyone including myself lifestyle I do have that bit of savings for emergencies, that I do not touch. Maybe someday, I'll be able to give.........
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Sun, 10-21-2012 - 11:23am

OP, I think we all understand that your concern was whether or not you are being too judgmental, and I do not think you are.  However, you say you have medical bills and you have been putting off dental care because of the expense - therefore, you should not be giving money to ANYONE. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 3:51am
Thanks....I just had some self-doubts about my shift in feelings from "giving to her now would be really nice".....to "don't think so". Wondered if I was being judgmental, illogical, blah,blah. Probably being more judgmental toward myself than anything. LOL It felt really good when I initially decided to send her that gift and it was disappointing to learn that she was complaining about how broke she is, while spending money on non-essentials. Appreciate your feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 8:52pm

Karen, in the end it's completely up to you.  If you don't feel good about giving her the money now that you've learned that she has spent money on membership fees for dating sites, that is entirely your perogative.  She isn't aware that you were going to give her money, so there won't be an issue if you've decided against the gift.  The gift giving is a self-directed act based entirely on the desire to give the gift.  It's the same reason why people donate to some charities and not others.  It's completely up to them and their reasons are entirely their own that don't require justification.  If you don't feel the same now, then that is reason enough.  Personally, I'd likely feel similarly.  I don't find your reasoning illogical. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 2:31pm
I disagree, Elc..the problem is not whether she gives it back or not or spends it on her trip or not. It would have been a gift!! I was going to send her that gift to help her out a bit because she kept talking about how strapped she was and may not even be able to go to the memorial. When I heard that she had been spending fees for dating sites then chipping in a little no longer felt right. I wondered if i was being too judgmental or my feelings right on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 4:17am
Even when things are tight for me....I have no problem sharing with friends.....it is a give and take. I took a friend out for dinner for her birthday, other times she takes me out. This friend I wrote about has given to me also in the past. It is just this particular situation where I suddenly did not feel so good about giving her money right now... But like i said above...even if i was rolling in money, in this situation it didn't feel right.

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