Going to ex's house x-mas morning???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Going to ex's house x-mas morning???
6
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:50pm
Feedback please... My boyfriend of 5 years thinks it's necessary to be at his ex-wife's house x-mas morning when his kids wake-up. He has been divorced 6 years, and the first couple years we were together, he would sleep over night at his ex's, so he'd be there when his kids woke up. His kids are 23,18 and 13 years old. I think they are old enough to have x-mas at their mother's and then go to their Dad's house. Or at least call him when they wake up and then he could drive over (he lives 5 min. away). Obviously were are not seeing eye to eye about this issue. My children are 8 and 10, and their Dad and his girlfriend are comming over to my house x-mas morning to watch our boys open their gifts, and my boyfrined thinks this is weird. I feel it's better to be realistic than pretend to still be this happy little family. Thoughts....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 5:37pm
OMG I would NOT have it! Sorry, but that is like doing some serious damage psychologically to those kids. They will ALWAYS believe they are a happy little family if they always do that.And if you decide to change it one year they will be so resentful of you or both of you. AND YOU LET HIM SLEEP THERE? Is she re-married? And you trust them together?

Im sorry. Im not trying to be ugly. My BF's ex-wife STILL asks him over to Thanksgiving (they have been divorced 7 years, we have been dating 3 years). I DO NOT (I repeat) DO NOT trust HER b/c I know she has feelings for my BF. His kids are resentful of me b/c up until a couple of years ago (even after they got divorced) they still spent Christmas together.

This is just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:06pm
Well, I have a different opinion. Unless you want the same thing to happen to you "His kids are resentful of me b/c up until a couple of years ago (even after they got divorced) they still spent Christmas together. ", I would let him.

Apparently, they have a decent relationship and still have this tradition together. While his children KNOW they are not getting back together, they still can count on this. I don't think they have any delusions that they are a happy regular family but they still get along well enough to celebrate together. To take it away would be wrong (IMO).

It doesn't matter that you think they are old enough, they don't want to give it up yet. If the kids were all 18 and over, then I would have different things to say, but one is still a child.

How about a compromise? Can he spend the night at your house and get us super-early to get there before the kids wake up? If not, I think you should let him do this.

You attached yourself to a man with a past and family. To ask (demand) that he give up things that are IMPORTANT to his kids is just mean.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 3:15pm
That's exactly how I feel. I realize the children want the same x-mas routine, but the fact is the routine changed when their parents got divorced. If my BF and his ex were concerned with routines and traditions they should have stayed together. Right? And yes, his ex lives in a fantasy world, she thinks if they were to get back together, they'd live happily ever after, despite the fact that not one of the issues she had with him when they were married has changed. Also, he has had sex with her since they divorced. Perhaps a reason she thinks there is still a chance. And I have let it be known to my BF that I was extreamly uncomfortable with the x-mas arrangement, but he always uses the it's for the kids line. His ex guilts him into seeing it her way. Oh, he had numerous relationships during their 15 years of marriage. I agree with her that he screwed up, but she uses it to manipulate,control and get her way. He's a great ex-husband, gives her a large amount of money monthly, paid off her home, pays for all the children expenses, sends them on vacation to Hawaii, anything she wants. she breaks a finger nail and calls him to figure out what she sould do. I put my x-mas lights up myself on my house, he pays to have hers put up. Am I being petty, or stupid? He still talks to his ex on a daily basis, in the the name of the kids. I think they are old enough to converse with their Father, and their Mother doesn't need to do it for them. I think it's weird and it makes me furious at times. He has told me over and over that she is the mohter of his children and he will always take care of her. I'm fine with him taking care of her financially, but not emotionally. I'm venting, but I'm interested in hearing what others think of this situation. Is it weird, or am I being silly?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 5:12pm
You know, when I read a post I think to myself, "Self, how would I react if I were in this situation?"

With yours, I'd be in jail.

For the brutal murders of the x-wife and DH. LOL, j/k. But in all seriousness (and I PROMISE Im not trying to be ugly) WHAT THE CRAP!? This would not be happening. He is doing what I call "emotional adultery" - some one one the stepparenting board sent me the link when I had this problem. You need to visit that board, there are alot of women there going through the same thing you are. Very awesome people there.

Ok, knowing all that's happened in his past, I would say not to trust her around him, but I would be VERY weary of him. You need to call to his attention how sick of a situation this is. When it comes to BMs, there is NO COMPROMISING! You need to put your foot down and be like, "HEY! Youre with to ME! HELLO!!!!" There is no excuse for that kind of behavior. You DO NOT deserve to be put on the back burner or have your marriage compromised by her just because your husband is guilt parenting and cowering to his X. BIG no-no on DSOs part. Tell him that the kids can come to y'alls house or w/e, but there will be no slumber party at the X's house.

I could go on and on about this since I have suffered the same thing. The outcome has been in my favor. Seriously, nip this in the bud. You are too good for that kind of treatment. Good luck! ---Becca
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:20pm
You BF consider this weird, that your ex and his GF comes over early so the boys will see their dad xmas morning? HOW ABOUT if YOUR EX comes over and spend xmas with you so he will be there xmas morning. If that's NOT weird, what he is doing is weird, even though it's their tradition. Bah Humbag! You're all alone with your kids, while he's alone with HIS + his ex. Do you think that's fair?

Why is it that you and him are still NOT MARRIED yet after going together for 5yrs?. BECAUSE he doesn't want to give up the relationship he has with his ex wife, while KEEPING YOU last on his list as his convenient. It's NOT RIGHT. If I were you, I'd invite my ex to spend Christmas w/you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 12:42am
Forgive me if I step on toes here, I am new to this board, I usually post on the step parent board but need help with a personal issue with my family and saw this thread.

Pasteyone may know this essay as I see her post on the Stepparent board as well. Here is a link to a great article/essay written by a man (I would assume) called Male Emotional Adultery. This sounds like what your SO is committing. I hope this helps - If you can get him to read it all the better - even if YOU only get something out of it that would be a plus.

http://www.steptogether.com/emotionaladultery.html

GL

Mary