grandpa disrespecting my boyfriends when i do have a boyfriend. what to do!!?..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
grandpa disrespecting my boyfriends when i do have a boyfriend. what to do!!?..
18
Sun, 09-11-2011 - 11:51am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004

My brother behaves like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010

hello thank u for replying to my post. yes i have tried talking to him about it as well as my mother and my grandmother. nothing ever gets resolved. i am either told he is trying to be funny, or that im taking it the wrong way, or let him do what he wants hes in his late 70s, things like that i am told. and most of the time my grandpa doesnt remember it and then feels bad but then he does it again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
First, you don't have to allow an older person to behave in such a disrespectful way just because they're 'older'. Age does not give one the right to act like an ass. Assuming you are an adult, you have every right to speak up and demand that your grandfather treat other people with the same respect they are giving to him. And if others laugh it off or tell you you're wrong, then you speak more firmly. Speak like you mean business and absolutely stand your ground on this.

It's not your boyfriend's place to object to your family members when this happens. It's your family, so that's your job. If it were his family disrespecting you, then it's his place to stand up for you to them. Your family, your problem. His family, his problem. Get it?

If the behavior continues, then you and your boyfriend leave. Simple as that.

It would probably help if you just had a sit-down talk with your Grandpa. Tell him how these actions make you feel. Don't get all drama-queen about it or start an argument, just quietly and lovingly tell him that when he does these things, it's disrespectful to you and your boyfriend, that you know he wouldn't want you to behave that way toward his friends or loved ones, and it hurts your feelings. Ask him to stop, please, "for me, Grandpa. Please stop doing that. It's not funny to me and it hurts."

If he ignores your request and continues to behave like this, then sadly, it's probably time for you to start distancing yourself from him and other family members like him. Don't subject your boyfriends nor yourself to this abuse any more.

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
It's possible you're investing too much of yourself into these interactions. You don't have to protect your boyfriends from this behavior - they, too, are adults and will choose how to handle the situation. It's right for you to stand up to your family when this happens, but as your ex said... it was his house, and he already chose how he would handle it. You don't have to run interference for him.

In the future, you might just warn your boyfriend that your grandfather has a quirk and calls guys "gay" or pinches their ass, and that he thinks it's all in fun. You don't approve, and have spoken to Grandpa about it, but it persists. Then let your boyfriend decide how he'd like to handle it.

I get the feeling that you're worried you'll lose a boyfriend because of your family, and this is why you're so upset about it. I have two thoughts about that.... One, if you'd lose a guy over something so trivial as that, then he's not the really great guy you thought he was anyway; and two, maybe you're introducing them to your family too soon - if the guy loves and respects you already, then anything your family does won't (or shouldn't) reflect on you, unless he doesn't know you very well yet.

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
thank u for saying all of this. yes it has been talked about and recently with my last boyfriend it was definitely talked about and we were going to leave if it happened again and stuff like that. but we broke up but we are trying to work things out and yesterday at a party my grandpa asked how is that gay kid n i said what gay kid and hes like are u back with him n i said who so my grandma goes and says his name n i said oh no. but see heres the thing. i am a very sensitive person and even when i do get angry i cry n i felt it in me getting upset but angry n going to cry so i didnt want to say anything :( ah

but i did decide that weather i get back with my ex or if i am with someone new that i will probably keep them away from my grandpa for a bit and ill explain why to the guy and i will explain to my grandparents too.

its just so disrespectful cause he does it to no one else! when what what happened at christmas last year was said and one my mom even told me next time if it happens im leaving as well to show him enough is enough.

i am hoping to get back with my ex we are trying to work things out and work out our own personal stuff as well and if we do get back together i for one am sure i wont be bringing him around my grandpa thats for sure.

i told my dad about how my grandpa is too and he said yeah thats why i cant be at his house for to long or talk to him for to long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2010
its just annoying cause my grandparents are like another set of parents to me and i hold their approval and etc very highly sometimes more then my own parents, and its like every guy i introduce them to my grandpa never likes and its annoying. he always thinks there gay and its very annoying. he doesnt do this to anyone else!

hes actually very fond of and very friendly and etc with my cousin's boyfriend and my cousin's girlfriends too. but then when it comes to me my boyfriends are always gay an he puts his shoe up their ass during photos or if the guy is going up stairs he pinches his ass or even if he goes to sit down he does it or something like that. and if the guy doesnt show hes pissed off hes like oh u liked that didnt u u like your ass touched and its like what? like seriously? i dont understand y everyone around me finds this fine and funny!

then because i got upset once at my cousins and my brother i showed an annoyed tone type of thing and grandpa thought it was cause my ex did something so i didnt know this but turned out he said something to my ex at the end of the night. he told him dont u ever disrespect in my house again you wont be welcomed here. and its like what? he didnt even do anything! i asked my ex omg what did u say? and he was like i didnt say anything i was like wow y u have to start saying something u dont deserve this!

my guy cousins except for the one, goes along with my grandpa with the gay stuff too and its just really annoying! and u know what is the killer of this all!?

it is that u say something like y dont u like so and so or u ask is there a reason y u dont like or act like u dont like so and so? then he gets all hurt n bothered n etc stating how what r u talking about i like so and so i think he is a very nice boy and blah blah stuff like that and how he treats me great n stuff like that n how he has no idea what ur talking about!

oh and i am 28 as is my ex
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Oh, I know how that feels! I'm a crier, too. I can be reduced to a puddle of tears in a heartbeat, due to anger, injustice, frustration, or a sharp word. I'm guessing you are young? It will get better as you get older, but you'll always be sensitive. Don't let go of that - it's hard to live with, but it's also precious and so very uncommon in the world. You will also be cherished for that sensitivity someday, if you hold out for the right guy.

A few tips I've learned to control that urge to cry (Had to! Do you know how embarrassing it is to cry in the midst of a staff meeting, or in front of your boss? aaarrrgghhh!): Keep a bottle of water with you. When that lump starts to rise, drink it down. Take deep breaths, and another sip or two. If it's a sensitive situation, and you can manage it, get yourself out of the room for a few minutes. Do some strenuous physical exercise like jumping jacks (generates oxytocin, the 'feel-good' hormone), and breathe deep. Then re-enter the situation and try again.

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
He sounds to me like he's losing his mind. Maybe some dementia.

That's very abnormal behavior.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wow, that actually sounds very disturbing - when he pinches a guy's ass and then the comments he makes afterwards!!!

I wonder.... does your Grandpa feel like he's a father-figure to you? Does he worry about who you're dating, where you go, how long you stay out, and so on? Does he worry about men abusing you?

I wonder if he's overly protective of you, and thinks that no man in the world will ever be good enough for you. Maybe (just guessing) this gay-play behavior is a test of sorts (twisted as it is) to be sure the guy you're dating is level-headed enough to take it without blowing a gasket. Sensitive-type women DO tend to attract men who'll abuse that sensitivity for their own gratification. Is Grandpa testing him?

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Not to mention illegal as hell. If Grandpa pisses off the wrong boyfriend, he could be facing jail time. Courts take that stuff very seriously. Grandpa definitely has a few marbles loose.

                  &nbs

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