Grown daughter....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Grown daughter....
12
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 5:14pm

Hi, Maybe writing this out will help us.

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Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 3:09pm

"She is angry and holds me responsible for “ruining” her life, I divorced her father (also alcoholic) and remarried a great guy and started over.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 5:18pm
Before I go into why I think you need to stay in your daughter's life, let me say that you need to stop accepting her behaviour. I agree with the others, stop the money, stop the rescuing & above all stop her access to her half siblings unless supervised. She is 29 & it's time she grew up to accept her own issues and be responsible for herself. I was a mom of a DS who had a serious drug & alcohol addiction problem and I know the pain of having to say no. You need to put boundaries on your relationship but don't cut her out of your life. Who else does she have???? My DS eventually turned his life around after almost killing himself smashing through 2 three ft wide cement posts during a DUI. No one knows how he walked away from that accident because the car was a mess. I cared for him while he was recovering then left the rest of his life up to him. He is sober, working full time, going to school part time & engaged to a wonderful girl. It worked out for me but I didn't know that when I was dealing with the pain of saying no. You drink then you don't live here.

So please, please don't walk away from her. Keep her in your life. I'm an only DD & my Dad died suddenly 3 wks after I turned 18. That day I lost 2 parents. My Mom freaked & looked for a new partner immediately. She started dating my SD 6 wks after my Dad passed, she was engaged on the 1st anniversary of his death & married 6 mths later. Until my Dad's death I had a loving family even though my Mom was an alcoholic. I was secure in my place in my family. Then my world changed. My SD had no interest in me & Mom wanted to please him as I was only going to be around a short while before I headed off to university or into my own life. It was very hard & painful to see the life I had known change so dramatically. Your DD had you to herself from the time she was 3 when you divorced her father then she lost you to another person at the hardest time in a child's life. This isn't all her fault. Add to that the fact that her father was an alcoholic means there could be a generic link to addiction. She needs to be accountable for her own actions but you need to understand what your decisions did to her life. I'm sure you are a loving Mom but you changed the terms & conditions of her relationship with you when you fell in love & married someone. Blending new families isn't easy & losing your Mom when she was all you had is very, very painful. I've never done drugs or been drunk and I worked hard to have a good life & to be a good Mom & wife but the pain of having my world change so dramatically has receded but never disappeared.

Lots of hugs & good luck, Dee

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