Grown daughter....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Grown daughter....
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 5:14pm

Hi, Maybe writing this out will help us.


Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 5:18pm
Before I go into why I think you need to stay in your daughter's life, let me say that you need to stop accepting her behaviour. I agree with the others, stop the money, stop the rescuing & above all stop her access to her half siblings unless supervised. She is 29 & it's time she grew up to accept her own issues and be responsible for herself. I was a mom of a DS who had a serious drug & alcohol addiction problem and I know the pain of having to say no. You need to put boundaries on your relationship but don't cut her out of your life. Who else does she have???? My DS eventually turned his life around after almost killing himself smashing through 2 three ft wide cement posts during a DUI. No one knows how he walked away from that accident because the car was a mess. I cared for him while he was recovering then left the rest of his life up to him. He is sober, working full time, going to school part time & engaged to a wonderful girl. It worked out for me but I didn't know that when I was dealing with the pain of saying no. You drink then you don't live here.

So please, please don't walk away from her. Keep her in your life. I'm an only DD & my Dad died suddenly 3 wks after I turned 18. That day I lost 2 parents. My Mom freaked & looked for a new partner immediately. She started dating my SD 6 wks after my Dad passed, she was engaged on the 1st anniversary of his death & married 6 mths later. Until my Dad's death I had a loving family even though my Mom was an alcoholic. I was secure in my place in my family. Then my world changed. My SD had no interest in me & Mom wanted to please him as I was only going to be around a short while before I headed off to university or into my own life. It was very hard & painful to see the life I had known change so dramatically. Your DD had you to herself from the time she was 3 when you divorced her father then she lost you to another person at the hardest time in a child's life. This isn't all her fault. Add to that the fact that her father was an alcoholic means there could be a generic link to addiction. She needs to be accountable for her own actions but you need to understand what your decisions did to her life. I'm sure you are a loving Mom but you changed the terms & conditions of her relationship with you when you fell in love & married someone. Blending new families isn't easy & losing your Mom when she was all you had is very, very painful. I've never done drugs or been drunk and I worked hard to have a good life & to be a good Mom & wife but the pain of having my world change so dramatically has receded but never disappeared.

Lots of hugs & good luck, Dee
Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 04-01-2011 - 3:09pm

"She is angry and holds me responsible for “ruining” her life, I divorced her father (also alcoholic) and remarried a great guy and started over.


Clinical Research Associate


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 8:33pm

Desa, Go there. Learn how NOT to enable your daughter's addiction. And, yes, despite her denial, she's an addict. She's using you. She's hurting others. Alanon is the sister organization to Alcoholics Anonymous. They have lots of experience helping family and friends of alcoholics understand addicted behavior and more importantly how not to keep it going.

Your daughter is using you, manipulating you in a variety of ways. One is money. The other is through your sons. Alanon can help you see this and deal with it.

Start by refusing to buy your daughter things and by refusing to pay her obligations. Every time you do you enable her to keep being addicted and she avoids any consequences for her addiciton. You also stop "aiding and abetting" her nasty attitude toward her half-brothers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 12:33am

I'm not comfortable with the idea of announcing any sort of disowning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 11:30pm

It has to be just heartbreaking watching your daughter self-destruct.

My mother was alcoholic (now deceased) and I have a brother who is alcoholic, so it's not quite the same as your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 12:57pm
desamnik wrote:

Thank you all for your insight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 8:18am

Thank you all for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 12:46am

She's how old? 29? She's acting like she's 16! She's too old to be holding a grudge about the divorce and you remarrying. Both my parents remarried when I was a kid and it was like, "you don't like my S.O.? Tough! You're the kid. We're the parents". The stepparents left something to be desired, but hey, that's life.

What kind of 29 year old says, "nerd alert?" Most people stop calling other people nerds when get out of high school. "Slipping up" about his crying was intentional. I don't care what she says. Even if it was a slip up, she's still wrong for not using common sense when she posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 10:17pm
Maybe it's just me, but I don't see anything here that merits disowning a child.

But then again, ya'll know my story.


Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 9:03pm

Your dd sounds like she is good at manipulating you and using your guilt to her advantage. There's no reason for her to change that, because the way she does things now is working for her. So any change will need to be with you. If you don't like being around her then limit the time together. And I would stop paying for things for her and making loans. If you can afford to buy her a new computer and want to, fine. But what if her checks bounce or she doesn't even bother to repay you?

Only you know if you did the best that you could