Grumpy Hubby

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Grumpy Hubby
6
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 10:22pm

Before I start to whine, I will say that I have been married for 35 yrs and I'm still in love with this man I feel like screaming at right now. The good news is that these moments do pass. But I'm looking for any advice on dealing with the situation where I'm the middle man.

DH has suffered from severe depression for over 20 yrs. He is medicated and most of the time things proceed calmly unless there is stress or if his meds need to be changed. Or if he gets into the mood he is in now. I call this mood "poor me". Counseling doesn't work for DH as he has tried it a few times and it only works if I go to explain to the counselor what his problems/issues are then I end up in the middle. Each time after a few sessions, the counselor will ask me to leave (yippee) then try they try a few sessions on their own and call it quits as DH won't talk. However, he never shuts up when it's just us. We have done couples counseling over the years & it's always the same, we communicate well when we listen to each other however DH has a hard time hearing what I say as many topics trigger a negative rant from him.

Enough background. Problem is that DH gets into these poor, poor me moods and all his complaints are directed to me even though most aren't about me. In the last 3 days, he has ranted about our DD & how she takes advantage of his babysitting our DGS. This poor girl works shifts with at most 1 wk notice & each of the 5/6 days she works can be a different shift. DGS is special needs & needs many appts which is why shiftwork is good as she can manage his appts within her shifts. DGS is here at most 2 days a wk. If DD starts at 6 am then I get up at 6 work for 2 or 3 hrs from home until DGS gets up, get him breakfast then play with him until DH gets up between 9:30 & 10. DGS normally goes down for his nap at 1. DD finishes work at 2 & somedays will try to run around to pick up a few things before coming home. But she is normally here by 3 and DH goes off to do his thing. If she goes in for 2 then she doesn't leave until 1 & puts DGS down when she leaves. He gets up around 3 and if I have gone into the office, then I try to be home by 5 and I take over from DH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
In reply to: deenow17
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 11:04pm

Hi Deenow. I can see both sides here. Your daughter works very hard. I can see that. But I'm wondering if your GS is "too much" for him. You say he's a special needs child. I'm 40 and I get exhausted minding a child who needs more attention than say, a self sufficient 12 year old. I'm not kidding. Some people have a very low energy level when it comes to things that need to be done.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
In reply to: deenow17
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 11:11pm
No, I don't have any advice right now...... but wanted you to know I read your post and can feel your frustration and pain. He sounds like a real pain in the butt!



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: deenow17
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 11:27pm

I don't have any specific advice for how to deal with the specific rants.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: deenow17
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 8:57pm
Thanks for your post. DGS has CP and he can't move quickly like most 3 yr old as he wears braces on his legs & has balance problems. He is a well behaved, contented child. DH has no problem keeping up with him. DH has been miserable today as he doesn't have DGS this week.

No one has ever taken advantage of DH. He is one of these glass half empty & expects the worst of everyone mainly because his Mom was the same way. She had an excuse, she was in the air force during the war living in England where any of her friends were killed when the bombs hit. Life was tough for her until she married a wonderful man who brought adored her. We have tried sessions like you suggest (my eldest son is a counselor) but unless DH is in the right frame of mind, they are useless. He refuses to listen - he always works harder (he hasn't worked more than 35 hrs/wk in 20 yrs), his life is always tougher & everything is more difficult for him. He is like this for about 40 to 50% of the time. The rest of the time, he is a caring & compassionate man. However, he never appreciates what he has. He can't spend money without freaking out about it. He can't look around & see that we are so fortunate to have everything we own (2 homes, 2 fully paid newer cars & money in the bank). He retired without any pension. I'm no saint but I knew it was better for him to retire & help DD than to continue working as he was so unhappy working. He was 55 working 24 hrs a week. I will be lucky to retire at 60 and I have an excellent pension that I could have started collecting at 53.

Sorry, I'm just tired this week or I won't have put the post up. I don't really think there is anyway to change someone who is 58 yrs old. This makes him sound terrible but he isn't. He was always my biggest cheerleader. He was convinced I could do anything I want. My biggest problem is that the kids don't put up with his grumpiness any longer and I'm caught between them. They get angry when he criticizes them accusing them of being lazy/taking advantage of him (so not true) or when they see him doing little while I'm working long hrs and always there to listen to them. They are pulling away as not to bother me which I hate. I have had 2 mini strokes in the last 18 mths & they are terrified they will lose me. I'm only 53. I have always been the one who held everything together & 4 yrs ago, I had a ruptured appendix (thought it was the flu) and when after the dr operated, he told my family that 12 hrs longer & I would have been dead. The kids have never forgotten that. It freaked them. Unfortunately, DH has a terrible memory & doesn't even remember I had surgery.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: deenow17
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 9:08pm
Thanks for your post and for reminding me of what part of my problem is. I need to get some me time. I used to take a wk each year & head up to the cottage to relax by myself then I would take a few days at our timeshare. and go stay at a condo with a spa. I would use my medical benefits for massage & treat myself. I assumed that because DH decided that we deserved to take a couple of trips away this year due to my bonuses, I was getting time to relax but the truth is that I never felt relaxed when I came back. Rested yes, relaxed no. Time to plan some me time which is getting harder now that DH is retired. He wants to be with me all the time. I try to read for 30 mins each day but even that is hard to find time for. I need to stop with the excuses & putting the blame all on DH. It's time for me to make some me changes. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
In reply to: deenow17
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 10:19pm

I sounds like you need some "me" time. I know when I don't get any "me" time, I start getting ornery and everyone wonders what's wrong with me. I'm like "I'm tired. I'm always on the go. And when I'm home I have to catch up on house stuff and spend time with my gf. You know, now that I think of it, I'm never alone. I can totally relate.

There's nothing worse than a vacation that turns out to be "work". You should plan to get away for a week or so. Either with friends who aren't "work" or by yourself.

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