guilty and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
guilty and confused
1
Sun, 10-12-2003 - 10:33am
Hey

im 17 and i have never gotten on with my dad. I have always been extremely scared of him for some reason and i feel threatened and uncomfortable being around him. My parents are still together and i always get in trouble for being "rude" to my dad and i feel really bad about it but i dont know why i do it... i just get these major panic attacks when he comes into the room or trys to talk to me and i shut him out and can only manage short responses to his qeustions... i have never been able to have a conversation with him and i think everyone hates me because they think im so mean...

I have no idea why i react like this but i hardly remember anything from my childhood except that my teachers used to always send me to talk to people and draw pics of my family cos they thought i was being abused and i was always an extrememly anti social and shy child.

My mum said that when i hadnt started to talk yet i still refused to sit near my dad or even look at him... i used to cry and scream if i had to be alone with him and i became overly dependant on my mum. I am now emotionally distant from both my parents...

i dont really know wat kinda answers or replies im hoping to get but maybe just to know if anyone else knows anything that could help or if they had similar experiances?

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: vlaka
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 2:37am
I am sorry that you are in this situation. It must be terribly lonely and difficult. I have a tough time trusting men because of my experience, but it sounds like you have never trusted men at all. (All men or just your Dad?) Have you ever gone to group therapy with your Dad? Is there any way the two of you can get to the bottom of this? Maybe you can go to therapy alone to see if there are any related problems. It really sounds like a problem you have had your whole life, something you cannot control, so please do not hate yourself for this.

What concerns me is that you said you are emotionally distant from both of your parents. I hope you are able to talk to someone. When I was young, I never wanted to talk to anybody. I still feel awkward in some social situations, but for the most part I grew out of this. What really made me feel better about myself was going away to college and meeting new people and starting my life the way I want it to be. I never expected this to happen. I really don't know what it is that will make you want to be less anti-social. I hope it happens for you though, it sounds like you really do care about your parents.

-D