Help, any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Help, any advice?
4
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:40pm
I am a single mom with a 15 year old son that was born with spina bifida. He has never let his disability slow him down. There are times when he lashes out at me. It may not be that he's mad at me but just knows that he's safe when he yells at me. One of my struggles is my weight. He told me that I'm a fat slob and will always be a fat slob although I recently lost 25 lbs. We live in an area where there aren't alot of services available to him. He would also like for me to remarry since he'd like a dad. He is adopted and the youngest child.

I'd like to hear your comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:53am
First of all, welcome to the board! This is a great place to air out your woes, and get support from others who care. It must be very difficult to know what is the right thing to do, especially since there are so few services available for your son and he has no father figure.

If you'll please excuse my bluntness, it's time to stop making excuses for your son. Disability or not, he has no excuse to be rude and disrespectful, especially to his mother. I also think that any man who meets YOUR approval as a husband is not likely to meet your son's approval, unless he gets to be the one to pick him out for you.

It is not your fault your son has spina bifida. It's not your fault he doesn't have a Dad. You are not responsible for his rude behavior; HE is. But as a parent, you don't have to take it. I'd remove prize possessions or privileges ever time he treated you with disrespect. Even if that means removing everything from his room, one by one, until all he has left are a few changes of clothes, his bed and a blanket. He can earn them back by being polite, doing chores and favors, whatever you decide.

Just stick to your guns however long it takes, remind him who's the parent and who's the child, and be consistent with consequences for misbehavior.

Is there a Big Brother/Big Sister program anywhere near your area - even in the nearest metropolitan area? Worth checking into... I understand these programs do wonders for kids in terms of their self-esteem, learning social skills, and having someone else to talk to besides their parents.

Hope this helps.

Msfit



                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 8:54am
Thanks so much!! I will check into the Big Brother program which may help. There are times when I feel like I haven't been as firm as I should have been due to having had him abuse me in the past. A couple of weeks ago he called 911 and reported to them that he wanted Children & Youth to find him a new home because he doesn't feel safe here.Nothing could be farther from the truth. He tries to manipulate everyone. The worker called back and talked to me and I told him the truth so nothing was done. A few years ago I had fallen and broke my knee. He got mad and beat me with my crutch. The police were involved that time. He is my sixth child and a real handful.The truth is I am afraid of him. You are the only one to know. I try to put on a tough exterior when I need to. There are times when he CAN be polite and loving. Thanks again for your your advice and encouragement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 10:16am
Dang! That boy is really a handful! When reading how he called Children & Youth to find him a new home, my first thought was: OK, let them! I think teens often threaten this in some manner: "I'm going to run away to my Dad's!" or "I wish I was in a foster home - that would be better than living here!" or something to that effect. They think the grass is greener on the other side, ya know.

My son pulled that on me about going to his Dad's, so I helped him pack his bags and drove him there. Previously, Dad WAS nicer than me (since he only had to deal with DS during visitations, spoiled him, etc.), but those tables turned once DS was living under his roof. Hehehe. DS found out quickly that Dad's discipline was worse than mine! Within two months he was begging to come back home (and Dad was nearly begging, too - parenting a teen wasn't as much fun as he thought it would be!). We all had long talks about adjustment periods, responsible decisions, flexibility and cooperation, and DS is still living with Dad and doing much better. He knows the door is always open to come back to me, but NOT just because he doesn't like Dad's rules.

Anyway, DS has been in counseling to learn to deal with his anger and issues surrounding his parents' divorce, and even hidden issues concerning the fact he is adopted. It's been a long road, but the counseling has been very helpful.

I suspect your son has a lot of issues going on, concerning his disability, adoption, anger, abusive behavior, and more. Besides Big Brother, you might consider family counseling. It sure has helped me understand my DS better and how to deal with him.

There are a couple of message boards where you might find more helpful information and support from parents with kids like yours:

Parents of Teens:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psteens

Advice: Parent-to-Parent:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psp2padvice

{{{HUGS}}} to you both!

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:10pm
You are being abused. Period. Plain and simple.

I think you would like to make excuses because of his disability, but that does him (and you) no good. You need to get counceling for the both of you. And the next time he physically hurts you, call the police. If you have to, then find him another home.

Adopted of not, disabled or not, teenager or not....this is not normal behaviour and can be dangerous.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com