Help! Family moving issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Help! Family moving issue
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:31pm
Hi all,

I have a very weird situation. My 83-yr old grandfather lives alone & on Saturday, he called to tell my family that he was moving to an apartment. It seemed odd since he loves puttering in his garage and his voice was very sad. He asked us to come "get what you want" of his goods & my immediate family decided to go Sunday as not to get caught up in the fighting. When we got there, it was apparent he didn't want to move and that my uncle and aunt (my dad's siblings) were forcing him out ("I'm being evicted" he said). I felt horrible for him.

Later after I left, my mom suggested that one of the grandkids move in & seeing how I am the only one w/o a house, I am the logical choice. So, he called and asked me to move in with him. The rent will be low, Grampa can stay and I can save $$. Only bad thing is that it's 1 hr drive in rush hour. I have been living in a part of the city with lots of young single people & am quite accustomed to my life here.

Now, my dilemma: I want to help him out and save some $$, but at the same time value and like my independence. I would have the upstairs of his house (1 bedroom w/ den) and could come and go, but this would mean having to drive to see my friends, new gym, etc. My siblings think I should do it. I don't know. Any advice?

thanks, tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:55pm
If you love your Grampa and the two of you get along, then DO IT. You will only have your Grampa for a few more years and those years will be priceless to you. Your friends will understand if they are true friends, and besides - friends come and go - grampa's don't.

You will find a new gym, make new friends and keep the closest of your old friends, and share some priceless memories with Grampa.

Look at it this way: If you DON'T move in, and choose to spend your time with your friends instead, what happens to Grampa? Will you be able to live with that on your conscience?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:03pm
First I have to say that the other poster had a good point.

However, if you do move in, you will not be "free", you will be your grandfather's caregiver. You will, in all probablity, not be able to live the life you are used to. An hours drive to see your friends will be less and less available to you as your grandfather's health and age make it impossible for him to take care of himself. Yes, you will be saving money, but you will be loosing a lot of time. And what happens if you don't like the situation? What if you want to get married or get a job somewhere else? You won't be able to move at that point.

Yes, he feels as if he is being forced out, and from his perspective, he is. But, he probably needs to be in a place like a retirement community, where people can take care of him.

My grandmother griped until the day she died that she should be living alone. She wanted back her apartment in NY, on the 20-something floor, walk over a block to go shopping, and clean and cook for herself. She could barely walk, broke her hip two times in the last year, was loosing her memory...etc. She needed to be in a place where they could take care of her. Did I mention that she was over 90 when she passed? She was out of that apartment for over 15 years!

Let me say that it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to take care of your grandfather. It is your responsibility to visit, send cards etc. Sometimes, a family has to make the hard decisions when someone is unable to do so themselves. I think it is really crummy of your mom to put this on you. Especially after she has already discussed this with your grandpa.

If you want to do this, go ahead. But do not feel as if you have to. Please don't, it is not your responsibility.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:49am
Hey Tam, I have a few questions for you pertaining to your gradfather. How are his siblings forcing him out of his home? Do they own this house together? If not, they cannot force him to do anything. If they are trying, with no monetary interest in the home, they need to be stopped. I think you are a wonderful person to offer to live with your gradfather, but, there may be other alternatives. Why don't you put an ad in the paper and see if there is someone who may want to live with your grandfather who could also be a companion to him. There are many single, elderly people in this world who may not really want to live by themselves or in an assisted-living complex. If his health is reasonably good then maybe he could still stay there. You could interview them yourself to make sure he gets a good roommate. You are young and should stay where you are. Yeah, it would be great to save the money but how much money would you be saving if you are driving all the time? It's going to cost you more in gas, plus the wear and tear on your car. It sounds like you may be better off where you are. Please let us all know how things turn out. If I can help you in any way, please let me know. I really think you should be commended for being such a wonderful person. GOD bless you. Dream