HELP-Hurt Sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
HELP-Hurt Sister
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 12:25pm

I am truly hoping someone can help me. Please, no mean or hurtful emails. I am hurting enough.

My best girlfriend of 10 years (I am 33) is truly a sister to me. Her children call me "Auntie" and my daughter calls her Auntie as well. We also worked together for the past ten years until I just changed jobs a few weeks ago. We have been use to seeing one another almost every day for ten years, until two weeks ago.

We are truly family and I love her with all my heart as a sister. We spend every holiday together and are together with our kids every weekend...we are almost inseperable.

For the past 2.5 years she was having serious marital problems. I asked if I could speak to her husband about some of the serious issues they were having, since she was not getting anywhere with him. She said sure. I had several conversations with him trying to get him to see her point of view and I filled her in on what I had said.

She was very unhappy and had an affair. Of course, I never told him. That affair ended and she began another one about 1 year ago.

Her husband called me and asked if I would please help him and be a source of advice and be a friend to him to help with their problems. I agreed to be a source of advice for him. I wanted to see my friends avoid a second divorce. I did not want her kids to go through another divorce. They are only 3 and 9.

I talked to her husband...who is like my brother in law, for about 8 months, frequently. Mostly on the phone...sometimes in person when he picked up or dropped off my nephews. Sometimes he tried to reach me daily...many times we could not connect.

The problem here: I did not tell my best friend I was talking to him. I knew she would not want me to, she would not want me to try and help because he should do this on his own...also, she is a very jealous person and may not want me talking ot her husband...but I thought I just had to do something to try and save their marriage...she had given up on talking to him about it. I thought it was my job as her friend and sister to try and help save this marriage.

Bottom line - she looked at the phone bill and noticed how often he was calling me, and that I never told her. She nows says I betrayed her and she cannnot trust me. She won't speak to me and said she cannot accept what I did.

All I did was try to help her family, her kids and her can I get her to understand this? I did NOT BETRAY HER. I love her with all my heart. She is my sister.

She will not speak to me, see me. She says I lied to her. I truly did not, and I never ever htought I would hurt her.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I do not have other close friends. I love her and want to repair this friendship..I never meant to hurt her, I truly thoght I was helping!!!!!!


Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 1:04pm

I think that sometimes are best intentions can and sometimes do backfire. That seems to be the case here. I am sure in hindsight you would have not called him but now the damage is done. You can not undo what has happened only learn from the past. She may be using this as her way out if her marriage is on the rocks as bad as it sounds. She may be using this to justify a way out- her best friend and her husband. Sounds like no better excuse to me. Here is what I would do. I would sit down and type her an email about what exactly happend and that no harm was meant, and I was truely sorry. Then the ball is in her court to make the decision. It may take her awhile because all this pain is still fresh and anger can blind many people. All you can do is let time take its course. If there is no hope for the friendship to continue I would try my best to move on and look to the future. I also would just back away from the situation and let them handle things. I would in no way get into the middle of a mariatal problem because if it ever gets resolved and you say the wrong thing it will be remembered that you were against them. Just give her time and try to explaint he best you can. I hope this helped in some way. You are always welcome here{{{hugs}}} Please let us know how you are doing and if this messy situation works out. Until then~~~~~Michelle