HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!
4
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:24am
HI Everyone.....I posted the following message on some of the other boards here but I think I need all the outside advice I can get...please bear with me as I have a LOT I need to get off my chest and be forewarned it's somewhat long.......I'd appreciate your advice on how to proceed....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK I'll make this short, No that's a lie it's probably going to be a loooong doozy I have a lot to get off my chest (bear with me please)... My FMIL called last night and since DF and I are getting married on a Sunday night and since she thought (key words - she thought)we were leaving for a honeymoon on that Wed after the wedding she thought that she "could spend Mon and Tues hanging out with us" WTF!!!!!!!!!! Hello!!!! Uh- how twisted is that!?!?!?! We want to spend our 1st few days as a married couple as just that a married couple, not a newly married couple and a third wheel! So then she proceededs to say that "she's coming down for vacation and why can't my DF spend time with her" (She's coming from Missouri and the wedding is in South Florida)??? UM - Hello isn't that what the wdding is for???? To spend time with the family and friends who come down?!?!? So she goes on to guilt him about how she can't understand why he doesn't want to be with her...I mean I know that a lot of people are making sacrifices by traveling down for the wedding but I thought it was generally understood that I don't have time to socialize BEFORE the wedding and play hostes or entertain becasue I'm busy setting things up and I also thought it was understood that I don't have time to entertain after the wedding because I'm going to be drained and wanting to spend time alone with DF??? Did I miss something here???

To give you background - My DF didn't grow up AT ALL with his mother because his parents divorced before he was born, and shortly after he was born at about age 5 the state granted custody of him and his brother to his father...So to be honest HE has a hard time even seeing her as a Mother figure...which granted I know is not the point...but in the last few years he's made an effort to have a relationship (a rocky one so far) with her and now EVERY time she gets to see him or gets to spend some time with him it's almost like she hangs on for dear life, is clingy and tries to manipulate him by saying things like "I'm your mother you need to respect me" Respect - YES , let you control me - NO!!!!

So I did tell him to put his foot down with her and tell her that if she can NOT change her tickets to leave the Mon AFTER the wedding and she was going to stay until Wed that was fine but that we WOULD NOT have the time to vacation with her....It's just tat HER vacation not a "FAMILY" trip....

The honeymoon is NOT a family reunion for pete's sake!

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm at my wits end here!!!

So now she says she'll do what she can but she's put a major GUILT trip on DF......

Anyway I just needed to get that off my chest and maybe get some constructive critisism (sp)??? Am I being too demanding??? To let you all also know....We ARE NOT going away on a honeymoon on Wed anyway because of financial difficulty and timing problems with DF's work...That Tues. AFTER my Sun. wedding my MOH and her DF are eloping in the Florida keys and we are their only witnesses so we will be attending THEIR wedding as support and having dinner with them and then we are coming back home to the daily grind...So Mon and Tues ARE the only days we'll have free to be with each other for a VERY LONG time....

Ugh - I'm so tired of this!!! I'm tired of over demanding family members (I already have 3 aunts boycotting my wedding becasue I'm not allowing children - hence their kids) But that's another story....

I thought weddings were supposed to be FUN?!?!?!

Ok back to work....

If you've stayed reading this so far thank you sooo much I appreciate the listening ear, I needed it...

Grace

(Wedding on 5/25)

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:45am
Take a deep breath. It is all going to be okay. I know that weddings are not that much fun. I always look back - way back 15 years- and wish we would have eloped and taken the money my father offered if we wanted to do that.

That is a very simple solution if it can work out. Believe me, the groom is not nearing as busy as the bride before the wedding. Have your DF call his mother and request a special dinner with her before the wedding. Just time alone for them before the big day. Then if that works out he can tell her that he will not be able to see her after the wedding because he will be spending the first days of his marriage with his new bride, which is how it should be. Is there other family around that could also spend time with her? That may help as well.

Just relax and let things happen. Something always does happen but it will be okay. You will have the rest of your lives to sit back and laugh at the mess before your wedding. I know we do. If you need a laugh try this one from me. We were picking out invitations with my mother and it was actually going pretty well until we started changing the invite to reflect our information. My husband has four names and when they were put into the line it was the longest line on the invitation. My mother had the lady take off his last name to make it look better. He explained that when his side of the family recieved the invite they may not even know who it was. Considering it had my name, my parents name and his name, two of which he doesn't use that often. :-) She said no it just couldn't work the last name was out of there and she got to decide because she was paying for them. Needless to say he walked out. I had to beg and cry to make her change her mind. It was horrible at the time but now we sit back and laugh at how stupid it was. So laugh at mine today and in a few years you can laugh at the fact that your MIL actually wanted to spend your honeymoon with you. :-)

Have a beautiful day and enjoy every minute.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 4:57pm
I totally agree with you. Your Future Mother-in-Law should not spend the first days after the wedding with you. She is being completely unreasonable. So don't worry. Let your DF do all the talking with her if you get involved in this conversation she will say it is all you. Although you guys should spend some time w/ her before the wedding. Not the whole time but like the person before me said a nice dinner should suffice and make her feel special.

The one thing I disagree about is no kids at the wedding. I have never understood that. Wedding guests are already spending money on gifts and clothing for the wedding and now they would have to pay for a baby-sitter as well because there are no children allowed at the wedding?! If I had children I wouldn't go either. It's not like I can give them to a family member for the evening they will all be at the wedding! It is just an unnecessary inconvenience I have never seen children ruin a wedding and believe me my family is full of children of all ages.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 6:12pm
Yea, weddings are supposed to be fun and special, but the planning stages are usually a disaster. I know for me it was! :)

I agree about the honeymoon -- it isn't a family reunion. I know that my SIL (DH's sister) wanted us to go on our honeymoon 2 weeks after our wedding, and we could spend our honeymoon with them. HELLO! This was sometime ago, as I have been married for a few years now. I made sure that we weren't going to the same destination as they were so they couldn't use the "well, just change the dates so we could go together." Instead I picked destination that I KNEW that she wouldn't go to. I wanted to go to the destination that she was going to, but I knew I couldn't when she kept mentioning that she could go on her honeymoon with us. Yikes. As it was, she got our hotel # (another story in itself) and called us 2 nights on our honeymoon.

I don't think you are being demanding. You need to set the boundaries NOW before you are married, otherwise, FMIL will think she can do as she pleases! Also, you need to let DF know that you just don't feel comfortable with her around afterwards. That you want that time ALONE. Trust me, if you don't set the guidelines/boundaries now, it isn't going to get better. :)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 11:32am
Nyditz it's NOT about my not "wanting" to invite children to the wedding...it's about my DF and I only having $1700 dollars to spend on the ENTIRE wedding...if I invite 3 couples who all have 2 children, now I'm looking at 6 grown adults who are my friends who can't come because I'm trying to accomodate the children who were NOT the main invites...it's not that I'm saying that they would ruin the wedding....you understand??? And anyway to be completely honest what bothered me the most is that the family members who are upset about the "no kid thing" are family that I've maybe seen 4 or 5 times in my life...they just happened to move down from NY closer to my mom's house...i just thought it would be an insult NOT to invite them....my aunts are more upset about the fact that i won't have her children as ring bearers - I'm not even HAVING ring bearers! so on that topic it's just hard for me to understand how they can be so overbearing when it's not even like we have close family ties...anyway i hope that clears things up on my part....I do understand that some people can't hire baby sitters and thus can't come and that's fine too...i think all parties must understand that weddings are compromises - not just for the wedding party but also for guests...

thank you