HELP!! IL problem im devastated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
HELP!! IL problem im devastated!
2
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 7:01pm
Hi

i posted here a while ago about my horrible SIL and i got some great advice!! I hope someone will be able to help me this time too!

For all that dont know the story i try to make it short

Me and SIL are 2 totally different people, well never get along! it seems like that shes jealous that im 'taking her brother away' and trys to be mean and ditch me in every possible situation (in this sugar-sweet nice way i bet you know what im talking about)

DH doesnt see it that way and we had many fights over it

SIL is pregnant but has 6 possible guys who could be the father so she wants DH as a "daddy" for her kid

We finally moved to another state and everything seemed to get better

Untill a few weeks ago...His parents and his sister are over here alot since they will be moving here too next year

Since a few weeks DH seems strangly obssesed with SIL pregnancy...he mentions it at every opportunity he gets, even tells it to strangers, at home he cant talk about anything else...its drving me insane

It goes so far that he stops whatever hes doing (or whatever we do!!) jsut to talk to her when she calls!!!

I know he wants a baby (i had a misscarriage earlier that year and he was devastated) and so do i....but strangely our baby plans are put on hold ( DH " i dont wanna have a baby now, its 'SIL' s turn") and hes only talking about her and 'the baby'

I dont know waht to do anymore, i tried talking it seems to help for a little while but then it goes back to where it was

Hes having a very rough time at his job lately and alot of other things in his life arent great either so i dont really wanna talk to him about all this right now

Plus i wanna get some advice first and see what you guys think!

Im really devastated and sometimes i think the only way to get him back to his old self is to get pregnant myself ( i dont even dare to ask him if he wants to try to have a baby now) I know this is the wrong way to do it but i just dont know any other way out

PLEASE HELP

sweetlilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 09-30-2003 - 12:50pm
Dear SweetLilly,

Make sure you having a baby is for all the right reasns, not just to keep DH's attention on you and not his sister. I really feel for your situation. IMO I thik that you should tell him that even though you are both "Thrilled" (even if your not) that you are going to be an aunt and uncle, that he needs to remember that "YOU" and him are his first priority. Just because this new baby is going to need a father, he can't be it. Maybe ask him to ask his sister what it is exactly she wants from your DH after the baby is born, does she want emotional support, financial support, or for him to just spend time with the child as a father figure (doing things like going to the park or playing ball). Whatever it is that she is looking for from your DH make sure that it is made known in the begining and make sure there are boundries set that you and DH agree on. If you don't talk about boundries, like how much time and money will be spent helping to support this child, you'll get in a situation like I'm in now here my DF feels that it is his duty as an uncle to supply the $$ for his nephews eventhough they have a father. Good luck and let us know what you decide to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 3:24pm
He should remember that another man is sure to come into his sisters life eventually and where will that leave him. I would find it a bit annoying that he is acting more like an expectant father than like an uncle to be. Maybe he fears for the child's safety with the track record his sister has with her loose morals with men. I would agree that you should be spelling out how often you will be visiting the baby and her once the baby is born.