help me think of what to say?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
help me think of what to say?!
6
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 6:32pm

 I have known this person for several years. Every time she goes through a divorce, she needs help moving her stuff. I helped her move a few months ago, then I got very sick and had to go into the hospital for surgery. She kept asking me to keep helping her move, because it was taking her so long to get all her things out. She had some other people come over to help, but because its a 6 bedroom home there is tons of stuff to be moved out SO its taking her months. Even after I got out of the hospital after my surgery, she was emailing me and begging me to come over & help her move, even though she knew how sick I was. Its been a month since the operation and now she wants more help. She never offered to help me when I was recovering from my surgery, so what is a polite way to get this point across? I really still don't feel like doing lots of work helping someone get their stuff moved. She said she just needs help organizing her things and insisted she did not want me to pick up anything heavy. I still feel its inconsiderate, given what I've been through and how she never helpd me with anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 5:16pm

OK. I will try all that and get back & let everyone know how it went.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 4:16pm

My goodness, Jyla, if she's going to emotionally manipulate you when you've had major surgery and have a toddler to attend to, you need to close the chapter on this so-called friendship as of, like, now.

This is really very unhealthy for you and I would just say no, you are not in a position to help.  You're still healing and your energy needs to be focused on healing and your child.  Recommend that she hire a professional organizer.  If she tries to manipulate you at all, don't even bother arguing.  Honestly, your energy is so important that I would just say "XXXX, I said I can't, and I would appreciate it if you would respect my answer the first time and not continue to challenge me on it.".  If she gets peeved because of it, let go.  I mean it.  Let go and just say "fine".  You really don't need this kind of unthoughtful "I'll pray for you" friend.  Prayers are great, but so too is a home cooked meal or a "You take a nap and I'll watch your kid for a few hours".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 2:43pm

Well, when I had the surgery she said she would pray for me. That is nice, but she did not offer actual help with anything. I take care of a toddler in addition to having to deal with recuperating from a major operation (and this was major, not minor, I had an organ removed). I have enough on my plate.

I know there is an emotional thunderstorm brewing if I tell her no. I also would like to call her out on her behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 11:17am

I agree with the others.  She sounds so incredibly self-centred and needs a good telling off for not respecting your "no", especially in light of your recent surgery.  I wouldn't care how harsh I got in speaking to her as IMO losing her from your life doesn't sound like all that much of a loss.  I mean, you'd just had surgery whereby you could have used her help, and it's quite galling for her to pester and beg you to help her organize her house because of her upteenth divorce.  In fact, she ought to be a pro at it by now.

Even if you didn't say no and just stalled or remained non-committal, she should have gotten the hint.  At what point should the thought "well she's not really responding and I do know she's just had surgery so maybe I ought to not ask her because it's not looking like she wants to or can help." would enter this self-entitled woman's head?  She doesn't sound like a friend at all.  She sounds like a primadonna with no regard or empathy for anyone else. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 9:38am

I agree with the other poster about just saying no.  I'm curious, what have you *been* replying to her when she begs you to come help her, are you making excuses so as not to hurt her feelings (though she's obviously hurt yours)?  You sound like you are probably a very nice person and good friend, unfortunately, being like that sometimes allows others to walk all over you.  You may want to think long and hard about this friendship and determine if it's worth saving. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 8:22pm

How is "no" as a polite answer and then dump her? Why do you want some so self centered as a friend? This is clearly a one-sided relationship and she has no concern for you and your well being. Plus, she could, you know, hire movers.  

Tobermory