help!! my mom is insane!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
help!! my mom is insane!
3
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 6:42am
I love my mom very much, but I just don't know that I can take her anymore. She is a very religious lady, with a big heart and good intentions, but she does often have a narrow point of view. Two years ago I was kicked out of my house for getting a B in an elective college course. Not knowing what to do I moved in with my boyfriend (at the time I was 20 and he was 24) and a month later when she started talking to me again she asked me to come home. I declined the offer and politely told her I didn't mind working as well as going to school if it meant freedom from tirades like the one over my B. In two years she still has not accepted our situation and refuses to come visit us. This last Christmas I invited his mom and sister along with my parents and brother to celebrate Christmas Eve with us and give both of our moms a break from all the cooking and preparation. Not only did my mom not come, but she forbid my dad and (17 year old) brother from coming also. His mom came and we had a wonderful holiday, but my feelings were still hurt. She constantly badgers me to "just get married" when she knows very well that I am preparing for medical school and that's my priority right now. I have savings bonds my grandparents gave me over the years for school and they help me cover what financial aid doesn't, but she's constantly holding them over my head and threatening not to give them to me. She does like my boyfriend but he knows the situation and this causes tension between them. He never wants to come to family events with me for fear of a snide comment. My dad doesn't approve of our lifestyle, but he does accept it and that's all I want from my mom. My grandma is traveling from Florida to spend the summer with us and my mom said she's be humiliated if she found out I live in sin. She has told me I have to move home for the duration of the visit or she will never speak to me again (she has gone months without speaking to me before). My boyfriend generously offered (against my protests that it wasn't fair to him) to keep his "man things" hidden and we could say it was just my home if my grandma should show up. This was not good enough. The irony in the whole thing is that after her divorce my grandma lived with men twice and I don't think she'll be affected by it. I have a terrific boyfriend, and a loving dog and they are my family just as much as my mom, dad, and brother. I don't drink or take drugs and I work VERY hard. I have a home and I see no reason to give up things I've poured so much love and effort into for 2 years to save face for my mom. Any advice, opinions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 8:25am
Wow what a hard situation! Would it help if you told your mother that you and your bf are engaged and the wedding will be held after you graduate med school? Maybe that would get her off your back. Why dont you call your grandmother before she visits and let her know you are living with your boyfriend? That way she isnt surprised when she gets there and if she is upset then it gives her a chance to accept the living situation a bit before hand and you a chance to explain why living with your bf is better for you than living with your mother. From what you said it sounds as though your Grandmother will be ok with it so maybe she can sort of smooth things over with your mom (a side benefit).

I wish you lots of luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

BTW one B isnt going to keep you from medical school especially in an elective. I think your mom went a bit over board on that. Good luck in your studies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 12:54pm
You sound like a very strong and competent young woman. Despite your mother's irrational behavior, you have managed to make a good life for yourself with a loving boyfriend, a sweet dog and a nice home. Oh yeah, and you're also going to college and preparing for med school! The thing to remember about your mother is that you can't change her. She is going to act the way she is going to act, and you can't do anything about it. You can't make her accept you and your boyfriend if she doesn't want to. The only thing you can do is take care of YOU, and it sounds like you have been doing that. Now, as far as your brother and father, she seems to have some kind of control over them. Perhaps you could contact them on your own and see them separately from your mom. When it comes to major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, it seems like you will be out of luck, but perhaps you can start your own traditions. (For example, an annual cookout on a date that isn't a formal holiday.) Maybe on Father's Day, you, your boyfriend, your dad and your brother can go on an outing, and if your mother doesn't want to come, she can stay home. You can tell her it's just for Dad because it's his special day.

Don't get married just because your mother is pressuring you. You know what's best for you, so go with your gut. Be nice to her if you can, but remember than you are not going to change her. What you have to change are your expectations for her, and try to forge your own life without depending on her. It's hard, I know, but when someone is unreasonable and irrational you cannot play into their ridiculous demands. Believe me, I've learned this the hard way. You have to just accept her for what she is, and try your best to ignore her absurd tirades (like the one over a B! Give me a break!)

Good luck!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 4:51am
Thanks so much for all the great replies everyone! I know I have to learn to ignore the crazy things my mom does, it's just hard to have my mother be so mean sometimes. Especially when she's so controlling over the rest of my family! thanks again!