HELP, Sister problems!!!!!! (Long)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
HELP, Sister problems!!!!!! (Long)
5
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 9:32pm
I have 30 yrs of stories that have built up to this moment, but I am going to try and make this short. Please forgive me for this book. My sister and I were raised in a foster home practically from birth. We were eventually adopted by our foster parents when I was 14 and my sister was 12. I was always very protective of my sister growing up, but we have always fought like cats and dogs. My childhood memories of my sister consist of her lying about me, constantly causing trouble for me, lying to my friends/family about me, etc etc etc.

Growing up my sister was really good friends with my niece who is 6 years younger than her. My niece never seemed to like me and I never knew why until 3 years ago. That is when my niece (who had moved across the country with her mom) began going through a difficult time after giving her second child up for adoption, to my brother that lives here in town. I began talking to my niece my e-mail and helped her get through that horrible depression she went through. I then found out that my sister had filled her head with all kinds of crap about me. It was no wonder she did not like me.

Anyway, on mother's day weekend of last year my nieces dad became ill and was in the hospital on life support until my nieces plane got here, so that she could say goodbye to her dad. I had to hear about this from my sister in law (that adopted my nieces baby) because my mom asked her to go pick up my niece from the airport at midnight. Well they were going to take my nephew on the hour drive there, to get her and hour drive back here. I knew my nephew being there would be to much for my niece to handle, so I offered to go with my sister in law instead. My mom was not planning on telling anyone about my ex brother law until he had died. So I called my little sister to tell her what was going on. She then began to say that she wanted to ride with us from the airport and go to the hospital with us. Well that means that we would have to drive her back home again. We did not want to do that. I tried to explain it to her and she just got ticked off at me. She was so twisting what I was saying to her, that I almost started crying trying to defend myself. I even called her back 20 minutes after we got off the phone to apologize if I had said anything to upset her because that was not my intentions at all. She was twisting everything I was saying to her. Well as soon as I got off the phone with her the first time, she called my mom and told her I said stuff I never said. I could not believe it!!!! I thought we had grown up enough to be past that crap.

Well it only got worse after that. She got mad because my niece called me to come and get her from the hospital. On Mother's Day she informed all of our family members that were visiting from out of town, about how bad of a person I was and how I was starting fights with her. When I arrived at my moms house none of my aunts, uncles and even my mom would not speak to me. Well except for one aunt, who was lecturing me about how important family was. I didn't know why no one would talk to me until the next day, when I found out what my sister had been saying. I left my Mom's crying so hard that I had to stop twice on the way home to get control. I never get that upset!!

So I decided that enough was enough and I wrote my sister a 9 page letter and told her about who I had become, what my goals are in life and that I did not need her kind of trouble in my life anymore. I even told her that I knew about her sleeping with my ex husband (while I was married to him), but I had let it go because we were family and I thought that is what family should do. I could go on and on about the things of that nature that she has done to me. I then told her that I am done with her in my life. I will deal with her on a family basis and that is it. I would no longer keep her kids, (like I had been doing) (weeks at a time, at that!). I will never fight with her out of respect for my family, but I will defend myself if I ever needed to. I told her I had to keep myself out of her trouble making ways when it comes to my life. I even saved a copy of the letter just in case she lied to family members about what I had said. I really worded everything in a very respectful manor. I did not put her down once. I waited to mail the letter after my niece had left town again.

Soon after she received my letter, she called my ex husband and told him lies about it. He called me wanting me to explain why I lied to her about him and he was mad at me. I invited him over to read the letter and he was blown away at how she lied to him!!!

Well soon after my letter, my niece decided to move back here. Now my sister got kicked out of her place and moved back into town. The kicker is she is staying with my niece in a 2 bedroom trailer with 3 adults, 4 kids and my nieces baby is due in 3 weeks. My niece is no longer answering my calls or my emails. I fear my sister is up to her lying ways again. My Mom has my sister's 3 kids most of the time. My sister is a total bum and a horrible mom!! Her kids all have different dad's. She told her 2nd child's dad, that he was the father of the 3rd child, but when he was in the delivery room with her, that precious baby came out black! Could you imagine how that poor man felt! She cannot keep a job. etc etc etc. She lost her oldest dd to welfare 8 years ago and decided to let my aunt and uncle adopt her after they had had her for 3 years. Well until the week before the adoption was final, and she changed her mind. That totally crushed them and me that my niece, aunt and uncle had to go through that. Her ways just irritate me to no end!!!

Anyway, we have a family reunion coming up. I am really nervous about it. My nieces mom (my older sister) is coming into town and she is also very biter with my sister. My cousins and some family members can see how dumb my sister is and they except her for being just herself. My siblings on the other hand see her for being a trouble maker like I do. But I am really worried about this reunion and how my sister is going to act now that she seems to have my niece on her side.

Was I wrong for telling my sister I am done with her in my life, except for family get togethers?? I still sent her a Christmas card with pictures of my kids, I even bought all of them (even my sister)Christmas gifts, so I am trying to keep things nice. Should I have continued to keep trying again & again & again with her??? Am I to fault here?? Should I try and make up with her? How will I know she has changed? I am still having trouble believing that anyone could be a conniving and mean as she is, and she is my sister. I could never imagine intentionally hurting anyone in anyway. I thought if I changed myself, I could fix mine and my sister's relationship. After I changed, my sister and I got along without fighting once for about 4 years. Of course part of my changing was over looking anything she did that hurt me. I just decided to except her for her no matter what she did. I took on the attitude that "who was I to judge her". But last year really hurt me bad.



If you made it through this letter, thank you. I am sorry to ramble. Does anyone have any insight for me so that I can deal with my sister better. Am I the only person that has had problems like this? Am I a bad person because I felt I had to get her out of my life? Thanks for any help you all can give.



Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 10:42pm
Fisrt off, I wanted you to know that I am listening. You stayed so calm as you wrote down all these things from your life. I am impressed with the person that you have become. I can't offer much to help you throught this. You sem to have already done very smart things. Writing the letter and keeping a copy. It seems that your family is going to listening to who ever is talking trash. Some families are just drawn to it. I would go to the reunion and just be myself. No one can take that away from you. If you are presented with something your sister lied about a simple yet direct comment may help. Like: "It sounds like you have been talking to my sister. And believe her too!!" (Of course, said in a very surprised tone. Either they can change the topic or you can just walk away.

I hope that your family will see you for who you really are but if not surround yourself friends that know you and love you. Good luck and keep us posted, Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 12:24pm
Your sis has always lied about you, aused trouble for you, lied to others about you CONTINUALLY and made you look really terrible to others. She slept with your (ex) husband for crying out loud! That alone to me is reason enough to cut her off completely. Forget "family" - I think family is WAY important, but not if they are ruining your life. Sometimes it seems like it's just better all around to cut people out of your life if they are ruining it! Honestly if I were you I would NOT even deal with your sis on a "family basis" after all of that bs. If the rest of your family can't handle that, then that is their prob. I know I may sound heartless because you do love your family, but trust me, if my family would always take my sister's word over mine I would cut them off too. That is ridiculous. As for your sis being friends with your niece (who I assume is also her niece?) and filling your niece's head with lies about you, that is really LOW. To be honest tho if I read your post correctly it doesn't sound like your niece is the greatest friend to you either. To me it sounds like (NO OFFENSE) you want to make everyone happy and feel like you have to prove yourself to them all, including your evil sister and your ex husband ? Why? Who really cares what they think, you know what I mean? I don't have a lot of drama in my family and I'm not married with kids, etc, I am only 18 so maybe I don't have enough experience to deal with this, but personally I think with that degree of drama and all of these people living a lifestyle you don't agree with or share I think I'd just MOVE, focus on the way I wanted to live and not even think about those people anymore. Unless of course some of them ARE good in your life and you have a good relationship, then I would contact those people and those people only. Like I said though, I haven't been there so I don't know. Hugs, Rhiannon




Avatar for evyrosa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 1:54pm
Wow, what amazes me about your story is that even after everything your Sis has blantantly done like: sleeping with your ex while you were still married,AND lying to her child's dad about his paternity, AND changing her mind at the last minute on giving her child up for adobtion...that your family STILL BELIEVES HER!!!! I mean come on.

One poster said it right when she said some people are drawned to drama and trash talking. If these are the kinda of "supporters" that your Sis has, then you are better off not having anything to do with them. But understand this YOU have done nothing wrong. You are trying to live your life and cutting Sis off was the only thing you could do to get on with your happy life. It is NOT healthy to have people like that in your life bringing you down. And then you were grown up and loving enough to continue sending Christmas gifts and cards.... Kudos to you!!!

At the family reunion just stick with the family that is "sane" and dont worry about the rest. You can almost guarantee that they will stir up some drama...so you might as well not be in it.

Good Luck to YOU!

Evy

(Mom to Alex and Marlena)

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:12am
My sister is a lier, too. She isn't as prolific or as creative as your sister, but she is bad enough. I, too, have several family members who don't talk to me, and consider me to be the lier. Here are a couple of strategies that I have come up with to cover my own bottom and to keep me sane.

1. Always have a witness, or keep a copy of any communication with your sister. If it is a phone call, make sure that someone is there to hear your side of it even if the conversation is only about the weather. My sister's half sister was visiting her and got lost. She called me for directions. I was very polite, but handed her off to my Dad because I was very bad at giving directions. Even though my sister was not part of the conversation, from the 20 words that I said, my sister developed this story that I was jealous of her other sisters. Fortunatly, my Dad had heard my side of the conversation.

2. Never talk trash about your sister to anyone because this makes her lies that much more believable.

3. Those who believe her lies are not worth your time. Her lies are not worth your time.

4. Keep your sister out of the important areas of your life. If she doesn't even know about them, she can't screw them up for you.

5. Those people who believe her now will eventually get burned themselves.

6. Know that whatever you tell her or anyone who might talk to her about you can and will be used against you.

7. You do not have to subject yourself to anyone's abuse, so don't let her use your family to bully you into accepting her abuse.


Cutting her out of your life completely is the only real way you can protect yourself, and even then she can affect your life through the rest of the family. Let those who are important to you know what you have done, and don't go into details as to why you are doing it. Just tell them that you have tried to have a good relationship with your sister, but it has become apparent that this is impossible. Your relationship with her has degenerated to the point where you don't know what to do, and find that you need a break from her for a while until you can figure something out. This way, you take responsibility for yourself.

What exactly does your sister get from lieing to you and how can you lessen her "reward"? So, she lies to a room full of aunts and uncles. You walk in, she gets the satisfaction of hurting you through their rejection. How could you have handled it so that she wasn't rewarded for her behavior?

What I have had to do is develope relationships with my family separate from my sister. This is easy for me since my sister lives in Tennessee, and I live in Indiana. It makes it more difficult for her to lie about me believably. I have not spoken to my sister for two years with one exception. She came to see me over Thanksgiving, but I told her that giving me a hug doesn't change anything. I refuse to attend any family function if she is there, and I will not let my children visit her. I am not interested in an apology, except to the extent that an apology would show me that she has examined her actions, understands why they were objectionable, and that she will do her darnedest not to do the same thing again. I don't expect this to happen anytime soon. Having my sister out of my life has been heaven, and I don't regrett it at all.

Two more things and I will stop, I promise. I agree that family is important, but your first priority is the family that you create with your SO. Anything, including your original family, that adversly affects that is expendable. Maybe expendable is too strong a term, lets say peripheral. Secondly, overlooking someone's bad behavior does no one any good. You cannot change your sister, but you can change yourself. You are the one who teaches people how to treat you. By overlooking her behavior, you have taught her that it is okay for her to abuse you. Now, you are teaching her another lesson, a more worthy lesson.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:17pm
Thank you everyone for your outlook and ideas on dealing with my sister.

pamme64 Everything you said makes total sense. It was actually kind of scary reading your post, because most of the things you said. Simply because I have either thought those things at one time or another. Or I try and live by most of what you said. But unfortunately I have not always lived by them. Last year after my ordeal I confided in my sister in law and my older sister. I still feel horrible about that. But I felt I needed to get a family members advice, that was on the outside looking in. And my sister in law was a great help. But after reading your post I defiantly plan to keep mum about my issues with my sister to everyone. Last year I did write my parents a letter and told them how hard I had tried to patch things up with my little sister, but I could not take the drama and trouble she continued to bring to my life. Out of respect for my parents and their religion, I did not tell them any details. I apologized to my parents for giving up on my sister because I knew they did not raise me to be a quitter. But I could not take the constant problems that she caused for me. They never confronted me to ask what happened or anything for that matter. And they seemed to treat me better than ever. So maybe they do understand.

I used to be a trainer at a local factory and the main thing I used to try and teach everyone I trained, was exactly this in my words; "You cannot change the people around you. You have to change yourself to deal with the people around you". I tell my kids that all the time. Something you said reminded me of that.

At one point in time after my sister slept with my first husband, I quit attending family functions when I knew my sister was going to be there. After 2 years of avoiding my family I realized that I was giving my sister what she wanted most. Me out of the picture, so that she could get all of the attention (I guess that is why, I will never really know). I am WAY to stubborn to let her run my life that way, so I decided that it was totally unfair for her to keep me away from the family that I love. So I started attending family functions again. I just stayed clear of her.

I was always the favorite between my sister and I when it came to our bio parents. I can remember when I was as little as 7, my bio Dad and Mom buying me more, wanting to see only me, even as adults they constantly contact me and never her, etc etc etc. I always carried the guilt for that, and I guess I still do. I think that is one reason I have let my sister treat me in the manner she has, for as long as she has. I think maybe that is why she resents me so much. I will never know for sure, but I do know I will not allow her to torment my life anymore. And I have 2 kids that she has already affected when she continually used my ex husband as her play toy. They have already caught onto her ways, without me saying a word. She asked my ex to leave my kids home alone (in Indianapolis at that) to go out with her (after she received my Dear John letter). My kids come home upset about that one.

So where are you in Indiana? I live in Bloomington and I was raised in Ellettsville? Small world!

Thanks again everybody for your advice and ideas. Melinda