holiday angst and confusion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
holiday angst and confusion.
6
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:16am
i apologize in advance, this is truly just a pathetic attempt for validation that i'm not insane. i'm new to this site and i don't even know if anyone will read this but oh well..

i am supremely confused and depressed when the holidays roll around. they seem to magnify all negative feelings about your family. my father is narcissistic and thusly incredibly erratic and devoid of most empathy. last week he returned the presents i gave him from the past two years, wrapped. i'm just a 16 year old girl, he treats me like some kind of arch rival. i think that i could deal with his treatment better except that my mother and sister ignore it completely. it's accepted as normal and i can't take that, it makes me feel like i'm going crazy. for instance, i am pretty much banned from attending their xmas festivities on the 25th (ie. opening presents) because my presence will infuriate him and will likely lead to an explosion that occured last year. ugghhh.

sorry to be whiney. i really am. but i don't feel like i can talk to anyone that i know, everyone else, despite their family difficulties, manage to come together at this time of the year. and i feel so pathetic and "orphaned" because xmas doesn't even really exist for me this year. i also can't talk to people because being brought up by my strange family has lead me to become well, strange. i've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (ew), and i find it impossible to express things without the aid of the internet (huzzah for anonymity...).

i am leaving this household next year to attend university, hopefully, but i worry endlessly that the anxiety and pain that these messed up people have caused me will always linger. oh man, that sounded so melodramatic. i'm sorry.

some examples of the insanity of my father:

-believes that he can hear my thoughts. seriously. also comments that they "aren't always good".. ummm

-called the police on my ex-boyfriend for not leaving the house immediately when he commanded. (it was late at night during a snow storm..)

-chased me/pulled me down the stairs for accidentally getting a smidge of ice cream on his arm

-every mean and nasty thing possible has some out of this mans mouth. up to including "i'd be happier if you didn't exist", "i wish ---- was my daughter. nevermind, anyone is better", blah blah blah etc.

i belive i've lost sight of what i intended this post to be in the first place. oops. well. oh right. am i crazy? actually i know that i am. years of dysthymia and anxiety tend to have that effect. blarrggh. i'm just so desperate for feedback on these problems, you have no idea. i have no one to talk to it about. no one knows about my mental health issues, either, and i make sure it stays that way because i would be *incredibly* embarassed. i would probaly refuse to leave the house lol.

well yes. any tips on how i can deal with this? it's so confusing to have someone act in a bizarre manner, and then you look around and everyone is just continuing life as usual with a straight face. meanwhile i feel like i'm falling to pieces. thanks for your time, good night and happy holidays :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:07am

My dear Polly, you are NOT insane. You are not going crazy. You are not being whiney. Your post is not pathetic, and yes - lots of people will read your post. To be honest, you seem very mature and educated for a young woman your age, and your concerns and reactions to your dysfunctional father

                  &nbs

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:20am

Hi Polly,


I wanted to let you know that I read your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:39pm
Sweetheart, your father is the one who's crazy. Please don't let him ruin your life. Maybe he can't help it but there is no excuse for your family ignoring his behavior. When you finally get away, try to avoid acting out by turning to drugs or alcohol. You are at high risk. I hope you form relationships with people who can show you what love and acceptance are. No one can make up for what your family hasn't given you, but friends can sometimes be there for you in ways that even a healthy family can't. I don't know your beliefs but do you have any kind of spiritual support? Maybe a church family (or something like it) could help you feel less alone. I believe we're never all alone -- that's what we've been promised -- but sometimes it sure feels like it. God bless you and hang in there.
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 6:27pm
what happened during our childhood started, NOT FROM THE KIDS, but from the parents who brought us into the world, and from their parents on how THEY were brought up. It's a choice of that parent (s) on how he wants his kids to grow up: like themselves or someone different from themselves. You're 16 and I'm 50, but many times I visit my parents I behaved like 12. Last night, I got into a fight w/DH and because we came from a different culture, and it's because I came from a poor childhood now rich, I will always care about where my next $$$ comes from. Like my parents before me, even if they're millionaires, (almost) they will always worry about money. My point it my fight was so bad that I got so provoked, I was so angry, I almost grabbed a match and started to burn my bedroom. It got that bad! My angel must have stopped me, even though devil inside of me was there, to put the matches down.

My point to all what's happened to you and your dad: you can't stop the way he behaves. But you can learn why he does it and maybe you should seek counseling so you can UNDERSTAND THE PATTERN, so one day you become a parent you will know better how to care for your child, not to behave the same way.

I can see your anger brewing. I can see you want revenge. I can understand why you can't wait to leave and be on your own. I can understand you need to change, so the pattern will not pass on to you and your children. Your goal is to better yourself, but you also need to talk about it, so you can start to heal.

Please talk to us again, and let us know how you're doing. If it wasn't for this board, I woulnd't know WHO TO TALK to. Good luck and I hope you have a Merry Christmas. You're not crazy, but the people around you makes YOU TO ACT CRAZY. You're screaming inside. That's how I behaved, when DH told me I was crazy, coz I needed to be left alone, locked myself in my walk in closet. He broke my door. Later on, he tried to make it up and fixed my door. But the damage (me acting crazy) was done.

Hugs

Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 10:00pm
wow..

thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful words. it means a lot. i truly am speechless that someone would take the time to reply to my unfortunate ramblings.

concerning the research of avoidant personality disorder, i have read up on it and as much as i loathe to admit it does sound a lot like me. i am not currently involved in therapy for several reasons. the doctor i had seemed to stuff me full of drugs before the personality disorder diagnosis was even made, he only asked me a few questions and then boom, drugs. i didn't agree with that but i didn't want to make a fuss so i just did it. blah.. kind of stupid. well i am not on medication anymore and i have no clue if i should be or not because i simply don't have the financial means for therapy at this time. back when i did, i didn't like my doctor very much and this has slightly soured my outlook on therapy at this time. the fact that i'm very intimidated by doctors and i feel that i am wasting their time also might not help. (bottom line: drugs and therapy equal money, and i'm a student who will soon be involved with nightschool and volunteering to get into a specific course, there's not really any time for a job to get this money at this moment).

these facts trouble me. i get a strong feeling that i should be in therapy, but it just isn't possible. asking parents is ridiculous at this point. not only would i be much too embarassed/terrified, but awhile back i made a comment about depression and i still can't live down the jokes and taunting that it caused. oh well.

i hope that once i'm away from them and in a new city i'll be able to get a job, and thusly money. until then i feel like i'm waiting, and sort of getting worse. but really what else is there to do? i don't know. i think i'll be okay. this xmas i plan to just sleep through; yes, that is my brilliant solution.

anyways, thank you again for your responses. they are highly valued, you have no idea. i appreciate any outlook different then the repetitively negative one inside my own head. and i think the suggestion to do something i enjoy is a very good idea. although i'm in particularly "hermit-like" phase lol i've decided to attend a small get-together with friends. it's a potluck. oh yes that's right.. teenagers can have potlucks too.. cooking is very fun. also i've continued writing music (through some random stroke of luck i've ended up in a band?). it's very important to me. once again, thank you for your time and i sincerely hope you all have a great holiday, byebye.


Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 1:30am
Hey, you're on the right track, kiddo. I'm on your side. Music is very soathing and that's why I enjoy my job, it's very theraputic (sp?). Good luck to you! Stay off drugs!