holiday angst and confusion.
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|Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:16am|
i am supremely confused and depressed when the holidays roll around. they seem to magnify all negative feelings about your family. my father is narcissistic and thusly incredibly erratic and devoid of most empathy. last week he returned the presents i gave him from the past two years, wrapped. i'm just a 16 year old girl, he treats me like some kind of arch rival. i think that i could deal with his treatment better except that my mother and sister ignore it completely. it's accepted as normal and i can't take that, it makes me feel like i'm going crazy. for instance, i am pretty much banned from attending their xmas festivities on the 25th (ie. opening presents) because my presence will infuriate him and will likely lead to an explosion that occured last year. ugghhh.
sorry to be whiney. i really am. but i don't feel like i can talk to anyone that i know, everyone else, despite their family difficulties, manage to come together at this time of the year. and i feel so pathetic and "orphaned" because xmas doesn't even really exist for me this year. i also can't talk to people because being brought up by my strange family has lead me to become well, strange. i've been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (ew), and i find it impossible to express things without the aid of the internet (huzzah for anonymity...).
i am leaving this household next year to attend university, hopefully, but i worry endlessly that the anxiety and pain that these messed up people have caused me will always linger. oh man, that sounded so melodramatic. i'm sorry.
some examples of the insanity of my father:
-believes that he can hear my thoughts. seriously. also comments that they "aren't always good".. ummm
-called the police on my ex-boyfriend for not leaving the house immediately when he commanded. (it was late at night during a snow storm..)
-chased me/pulled me down the stairs for accidentally getting a smidge of ice cream on his arm
-every mean and nasty thing possible has some out of this mans mouth. up to including "i'd be happier if you didn't exist", "i wish ---- was my daughter. nevermind, anyone is better", blah blah blah etc.
i belive i've lost sight of what i intended this post to be in the first place. oops. well. oh right. am i crazy? actually i know that i am. years of dysthymia and anxiety tend to have that effect. blarrggh. i'm just so desperate for feedback on these problems, you have no idea. i have no one to talk to it about. no one knows about my mental health issues, either, and i make sure it stays that way because i would be *incredibly* embarassed. i would probaly refuse to leave the house lol.
well yes. any tips on how i can deal with this? it's so confusing to have someone act in a bizarre manner, and then you look around and everyone is just continuing life as usual with a straight face. meanwhile i feel like i'm falling to pieces. thanks for your time, good night and happy holidays :)