How to accept what I cannot change (long
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| Mon, 11-24-2003 - 10:35am |
I hate to admit it has been wonderful without her. Things are very organized. When my son works I have my gd here, whereas her mother makes plans on the spur of the moment and will call me on my cell to drop gd off at my place. I never refuse becuase I love having my gd here - its just that I would like to know ahead of time. She will also make plans for my gd to come here and I am looking forward to it - and then she will cancel at the last minute when there is no time for me to make other arrangements. I know I could refuse to change my plans but my gd likes to come here and see her friends and I like her being here too, so I just agree.
I get along fine with mother when she is being nice. We do things together and I enjoy it. However, when you cross her, she punishes you with the only weapon she has - my gd. She has always been very selfish. She would make plans with her daughter only to break them if anything "better" came up - like coffee with friends or shopping with friends etc. I hated to see my gd in tears because her Mom had let her down again.
Mom showed up for a couple of weeks in May. You would have thought that after her Dad and I and my husband have been there for her since the day she was born that she would get fed up with the way her mother treated her. But it doesnt seem like it. My son said his daughter followed her Mom around like a little puppydog. She was also extremely rude to me and her Dad - presumably to show her Mom what a favourite SHE was. I tried not to react. However, one day Mom phoned to see if I wanted to go to the mall (she sold her car last year before she went away) I went to pick my gd and her friend up and she said that she didn't want me coming with them - couldn't I just drop them off at the mall and pick them up later. I said I wasn't a free taxi service and so I dropped her at her Dad's (where her Mom was staying) and left. Mom has her furniture and other stuff stored in my son's basement so she was staying there. My son agrees because otherwise my gd gets really upset. Mom showed up in May with not a penny to her name and sponged off us. I lent her $30 and she gave me a rubber cheque to pay it back and when I told her she said she had no money, only I found out later from a friend that she had a whole wad of cash the day she left again. She told me she was going back to get married and to sponsor the husband to emigrate to Canada. She has never said to my gd that they did get married and I asked my gd if she mentions the husband and she said "no - its surprising they aren't divorced already!"
My issue is - she now says she is coming back before Christmas. (Of course, I should mention that in August she told my gd on MSN that she would be back on September 1 - but she never showed up) Of course if she does come back, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to prevent her getting provoked at me for something I didnt do and punishing me - and there is NOTHING I can do to stop my granddaughter being mean to the ones who have been there for her.
Years ago, mother confided in me that she didn't have any real friends - all her friends were users. I didn't have the guts to tell her that the reason her friends were users was because she is a user too. When she came back in May she got some friend whose name I hadn't heard mentioned for 3 years - to chauffeur her around. I assume Mother went through a list of friends and came up with one who had a car and who didnt work and who could drive her around and so she phoned her and she became her "best friend" for 3 weeks. My son always referred to her friends as "the flavour of the month" becuase there was a different "best" friend every month!!
I talked to my gd about her behaviour last time and she said she was just doing it because she knew her mom was going to disappear again and that she didn't intend to be mean to her Dad and me.
How do I accept the fact that my gd seems to love her mother just as much as her father - even though her mother - in my opinion is a useless, selfish twit? How do I not get upset if my granddaughter hangs around her Mom and wont come to see me like she did last time she was here?
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You see, somewhere around 12-14 years of age, kids go through a transformation of the ability to reason and think abstractly; at that time, your GD will probably have a completely different view of her mother. But for right now, she is striving for the fantasy that doesn't exist: she wants her mother to be loving, stable, truthful, affectionate, responsible, and to BE there for her. No matter that this woman doesn't fit that fantasy - the child wants it to be so and unconsciously may even be blaming HERSELF for her mother's faults. She may be acting out towards you and her Dad because you ARE offering her what she needs, but she doesn't want it only from you; more than anything, she wants it from her MOM. Unconciously, she may be resenting you for it and *acting out*, just like you've witnessed.
I am not a psychologist nor child-rearing expert; but I do have a degree in teaching and appropriate coursework in child and adolescent psychology. What I tell you in this post is based on that training.
My best advice is the same as it was for your other posts: Take that wonderful child to a therapist or family counselor ASAP. I worry that there is emotional damage being done to your GD that may set her up for a sad future: poor self-concept, tendency to seek abusive relationships, desire to attach herself emotionally to others who are not capable of returning the same devotion, etc. All because she's seeking that fantasy NOW - a reality that all children need to grow and develop healthy, and she's not getting that from her mother - so may continue to forever seek it. A therapist may be able to shift your GDs focus to see that she IS getting all those things from you and her father and help her avoid the pitfalls she may be heading toward as a young woman.
Again, I am NOT a qualified therapist in these matters, but this is just how I see it. Hope I've helped...
Msfit
&nbs
I think I will have to leave it up to her Dad to decide what to do. He is not nearly so charitable towards the mother as I am. I am older and so I like to get on with people. They don't fool me - but I am for the easy life and I find its easier to try to get along.
Regardless of what a poor example she is, your grand daughter wants her mother's approval, acceptance, and attention. Hence, she tries in vain to get her mother to pay attention to her when she's around, and sometimes acts disrespectful to you. (Think about it, if her mother behaves a certain way, her daughter is going to imitate it hoping to "impress" her mother by being like her.) While you can't explain that to your granddaughter in a way she can understand and accept it, you can continue to express your love and care for her. No matter what her mother does or says, you can be a "constant" in your granddaughter's life. You already are, but your granddaughter isn't old enough to understand how important that is. Eventually, she will understand who was her female role model. (It might be when she herself is an adult.) So keep being that steady presence.
Your son might be able to handle his ex-wife, but his little girl doesn't understand all this. I would strongly encourage him to get her counseling (and he should go with her) so she can get skills to cope with her mother. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with your granddaughter. She needs an objective, professional person to assess her ability to cope, help equip her to deal with the adults in her life, and a "safe" person she can talk with about her fears and questions about her mother.
Your son could also do a lot more to protect his daughter from the come-and-go wife. HE needs to set boundaries with his ex-wife FOR his daughter. In other words, her father needs to dictate the when, where, how, and who your granddaughter visits. Right now, the tail is wagging the dog, because the mother comes and goes when she pleases and doesn't have any consequences for her actions.
You can also stop enabling your former daughter-in-law to do as she pleases when she is around. You did this when you refused to be a 'free taxi" service for her. (No doubt she found another way to the mall.) You keep hoping that by being "nice" to her she'll appreciate you and change. I hate to tell you this, but she's not going to change. She'll take advantage of you as she pleases because she knows you won't object consistently. If your ex-daughter-in-law does not have legal custody of your granddaughter, she can't take her away from her father or from you. I would ascertain that situation and then keep the information to yourself. Let your ex-DIL think she can play games, you'll know better.
Meanwhile, keep modeling a good example to your granddaughter. Tell her you love her, express interest in her school, friends, and dreams. Let her know you are a safe person to talk to and seek out when she's troubled.
Good luck,
Wisdomtooth
Ultimately, it is her Dad's decision. You're right. But you are doing the right thing by being a steady force in your GD's life - someone she can depend on to be there when the going gets tough - even if she doesn't realize that yet. One day she will.
If you can get her father to consent to counseling, maybe he doesn't even have to take her there. You can go with her, with her father's consent (check with your resources where you are - in the US, first stop would be the county health department - about their requirements for parental consent).
This is so similar to my sister's situation with her two granddaughters, and their mother who is currently in prison (and who neglected them). I think I told you about that in an earlier post. My sister has been their constant force and role model through all the turmoil of their mother's drug abuse, lies, forgotten promises, and eventually prison. Now mom is facing parole in March, but has a terminal illness and is not likely to survive that long. The girls, now 15 and 17, had a tough time with everything when they were your GD's age, but as they continued counseling and have gotten older, they have a better grip on the situation and are dealing with it nicely.
good luck, whatever you and your son decide. God's grace to all of you.
Msfit
&nbs
She was on MSN the other day - so I asked what was going on. Turns out she got married in July and it lasted about two and a half months!! Now she figures that because there is no divorce in that country, if she leaves she will be single!! Can't figure out how she decided that particular piece of garbage. Maybe one day she will grow up although I think her daughter will grow up long before she does!!!
I appreciate the advice. I have to tread carefully with my son because he is like my husband - doesn't think much of counselling - I guess its for "women"!!!