How to deal w/new step w/ my adult kids

Well, their father just recently had his girlfriend move in (this lady & I were school mates, so I know her and trust her.) And also knowing her personality, as I expected she has taken control & flaunts every little thing she does in my face (in a nice way, of course HA!) She and my ex are the kind where they buy the best, do the best for the kids and of course the kids love it. Me, on the other hand live on a budget just like I always have - even while married to my ex. My kids grew up nicely dressed, well fed - but they weren't spoiled to where we would have to run to the mall every week (2 hours away) for everything they wore. They also were raised to where the needed extra cash, they earned it (chores, jobs when old enough, etc) the girls also paid for their own long distance calls, and auto insurance. A lesson well taught - they have even told me so. The boys on the other hand have not had to earn those type of things as the girls did when they were in the "family home". The boys have everything handed over to them from their dad and I see a rude awakening for them after they graduate and move on their own. Most of this was started by their father after we were divorced. He was buying their love and knowing I couldn't afford the same - did those things to make me look bad to them. It was working for awhile and as they have grown up, they pretty much understand now. Sometimes they still say – well dad gave me $200.00 at Xmas and I can only afford $50.00.

My second daughter & I were "best buds" - did everything together. I have 2 grandchildren (1 from each daughter) and have been there with them both in delivery. It was great! Their father was never around - just good old mom. Well, now this second daughter has her nose stuck up her new soon to be step mom's $($*(. She goes to their house almost every night, calls her, rarely stops by or calls me. She is now expecting her 2nd child and who do you think she has asked to go to doctor's appointments and also in the labor room with her this time??? Not me. I think about it & I cry - hurt.

My dad was in the hospital for 27 weeks last year. Along with other issues (his pending divorce, foreclosure, etc..) I had to deal with because I was his power of attorney. Anyway – I was busy – it took time away from doing my normal things (such as family). Anyway she is using that excuse – because I was/am too busy. And also the new one has convinced her of that. I have admitted to all of my children – those weeks were the most stressful time of my life – I wasn’t giving enough time to even make calls to them like I did before – asked them to hang in there, it would all go back to normal for me & that I felt I was stretching myself sooo thin.

With this 2nd child, I admit I am not as excited. She is not married and the soon to be baby's father is ??. But, I just had a baby shower for her, making a quilt, looking forward to going into the delivery room again – getting mind set. Until last night, when I called her to see how things were going and if she was going to call me day or night like before? She told me the news. I was hurt.

Graduation around the corner - the new soon to be step mom - has taken over - ordering the graduation announcements, etc.... She is good about calling to leave messages, etc... and I do call her back and she always has those little rubs. Daily things mostly about the 18 years - things I wouldn't know because I am not in that household.

I just want us to all get along – I want the new one to be their friend and appreciate all she does for the boys on a daily basis. I just want the new one to remember that I am “the mom”.

Any suggestions – all I read is about step moms and younger children. Thanks