How to helps kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
How to helps kids
4
Tue, 08-12-2003 - 8:43pm
My kids are so unhappy and my heart breaks for them. My ex decided to have an affair after 15 years of marriage and I refused to leave the house so he somehow managed to get a PFA against me (it would take me days to relate everything!). Because of the PFA he got primary custody of our kids. He married the piece of garbage he had the affair with but because she was insecure and jealous (she'd been married several times before my ex), she moved out but my daughters now say my ex wants to work things out with her. My girls say this woman is verbally and physically abusive to her own children and I've heard the way she yells at my kids on the phone. She actually told my ex that my youngest daughter had called Children and Youth Services on her to try and turn my ex against his own daughter. This woman is jealous of any female my ex may be involved with, including his own children and even his mother! She complained that he spends more time with his kids than with her. That is far from the truth. If it were true, I wouldn't be concerned about my girls being neglected by their dad!!! My ex's new wife called CYS on me to try and get me in trouble but it didn't work because I had done nothing wrong. But CYS now knows what this woman is capable of. My daughters are very afraid of this woman and I don't know what I can do to help them. They said she's never hit them but I'm not sure if they would tell me the truth because of their fear of her. My ex is just so blind and doesn't see what is happening to his children. I've always known he was selfish but I never thought he'd neglect the girls the way he is. They're left at home alone almost every night and during the school year they're alone after school until my ex gets home from work. Any suggestions on how I can help my kids cope??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 12:51am
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. Give us some more details on the logistics so we can help you. I am trying to think of ways that you can be there for them. For eaxample, can you take care of your girls after school, and drive them home when their father gets home? Even a few hours might greatly benefit them. Can you re-examine the custody issue? Contact a lawyer, maybe if you can prove this woman shouldn't be around kids you can get joint custody at least. Start by recording every message she leaves you, keep every note, and start a journal about the things she has done. Put down facts though, opinions don't count in a court of law.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 12:53pm
I would love to be able to be with my kids every day after school but I have panic disorder and am unable to drive and they live on the other side of town. We have public transportation, which I use, but my funds are limited and I also have an infant. My children are the world to me and I would love nothing more than to be able to have full custody of them, to keep them away from their horrible step mother. I have them quite often, especially during the summer. My ex has always brought them over whenever they wanted to come but the problem is that they just want to spend time with him and he never seems to have time for them. When he is with them, he's so short tempered and gets mad at them easily. Recently he had been out of town for 2 weeks, back one night, and left for another 2 weeks and the girls were with me most of the time (the other was with his mother). The one night he was back he spent with his wife (they had been separated at the time) instead of spending that night with his own children. And he hadn't seen them or talked to them in 2 weeks!! He didn't call them or anything while he was gone the last 2 weeks and they were so hurt. My ex is already in trouble for contempt of court for not paying me what he owes from the divorce and I am considering contacting my attorney and going after him for neglect of the children. Anyone who knows him knows he's never around for the girls. Should I go after him??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 6:51pm
It sounds like your ex-husband could leave this woman if he wanted to. He's made a bad choice in staying with her. Can you talk to him at all? Ask him why he wants this person in his life.

Also you should get some legal help with this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-13-2003 - 7:13pm
Yes, my ex could leave this woman but he won't because I think he's afraid to be alone. He's in his 40's and he's never lived alone. He went from his parents to college dorms, to room mates and then marriage. He even told my oldest daughter he "needs" a woman around. He and this woman married last year and they are currently separated. He was telling my daughters how he made such a big mistake in marrying this woman and that she was nothing but a freeloader. (They got married just 4 days after our divorce was final!) And now, all of a sudden, he's praising her, telling my daughters that she's a wonderful person. They know she's not because they've witnessed her wrath. I will be contacting my attorney and I think I will try and get the girls because they are so neglected by their father. I'm not being vindictive, I just want my girls to be happy. And they won't be happy if my ex's wife does move back in. If that happens, their dad will neglect them even more.