How to respond to this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
How to respond to this?
3
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:50am
I posted this on a relationships board too but I think its kind of a "family matters" thing too. I am 18 (will be 19 soon), live at home, go to college fulltime, work parttime, do housework, pay for part of my tuition & all of my bills (other than rent/utilities since I live at home). This arrangement is what my mom & dad want for me, and its working out great for all of us. My bf is 20 (will soon be 21) and in a similar position, but works full time and goes to college full time too, and has his own apt which he pays for. Anyway, I spend the nite w/ him sometimes. In fact I spent the whole weekend w/ him last weekend, which is ok w/ my parents since they like him and figure that I am of age and on b.c. and if they dont accept my choice to sleep w/ my bf, it wont STOP me from doing it (my mom esp. feels this way b-cuz she prefers we just be HONEST w/ one another instead of me sneaking around). So now my moms whole family is throwing a fit about this. They have been calling and yelling at her saying that I shouldnt be allowed to sleepover at my bf's house. She tells them that I am HER daughter and she will do as she sees fit, etc. But it doesnt stop them. None of them are religious other than my grandma who goes to church about 3X yr. My aunt in fact had 2 daughters who were both preg. by the time they were my age and she saw NO prob w/ that b-cuz 1 was married and 1 was on her own (somewhat). They apparently think that if my mom and dad let me spend the nite w/ my bf then I am somehow disgracing the whole family. It is insane. What should I do? My mom says its no big deal and she can handle them but I know the holidays are going to be so stressful. They found out about this b-cuz my mom, aunt & grandma had a garage sale over here (at our house) last Sat and asked where I was and my sister said that I spent the nite w/ my bf. I just feel really bad about this, that my mom is having to listen to their crap. Any ideas?
Avatar for sara24
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 1:59pm
If your mom says to let her handle it then that's what I'd do. If the family brings it up during your holiday celebration I would say "My personal life is really none of your business" or "My relationships with my parents and my boyfriend are not up for discussion". Repeat as needed. If you bring up their *dirty laundry* it will just escalate the situation and make them defensive and more hostile. Simply refuse to discuss you/your parents "house rules" with them at all.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 2:24pm
I agree with Sara - its really none of their business what you do with your BF. You and him seem responsible enough to handle a mature relationship, and being honest with your parents and having open communication with them is wonderful. Maybe your family still sees you as a sweet, innocent little girl and dont want to accept the fact you are practically grown. Either way, what you and your BF do is YOUR business, and if your mom says she can handle it, let her. They feel obligated to give her parenting advice after she has already raised you, and that is something noone likes to tolerate. Good luck to you and your mom!
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 5:59pm
Yep - let your mom handle it. Your relatives shouldn't be putting their nose in your business anyway.