hurt a friends feelings re weight

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2012
hurt a friends feelings re weight
14
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 1:32pm

I'm 35 & really put my foot in my mouth the other day. A younger mutual GF was telling us both how she's lost 15lbs in the last few months & can now fit a size 4-5. We were joking about how we could almost wear the same sizes, as I'm a size 6.

I I realized my +size friend might be a bit uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation & tried to lighten things up for her by saying "you must really be wishing we'd shut up". she said no. without thinking, i said "you must be jealous". I just didn't think & it slipped out, I would never hurt her intentionally & now feel v bad as she's quite hurt. Any way I can fix this? I already sent her an apology via text letting her know I'd never hurt her on purpose, but think she's too mad to reply. Her natural reaction is to run when she's mad at the earliert chance & that's what she did...then she holds a grudge for awhile. Any info would be really appreciated, i know what i said was dumb & wish I could take it back!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2012
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 2:11pm

My biggest concern/fear is she recently left a mutual exfriend of ours (we both left the same person we'd been friends with but for different reasons & at different times). When I made the comment, she said "only x has ever said that type of thing to me & i never thought you would". so I'm not sure if an apology will be enough to help her through the hurt & regain trust. At this point, I'm going to give it time (maybe a week or so?) & try contacting her again if I haven't heard from her in the meantime...

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 6:15pm

I recommend apologizing face to face and be prepared to grovel. 

"my +size friend"...I'm surprised that you think of her as Plus Size, even 15 lbs heavier than she is now. Plus sizes start at 12-14. And why would she be uncomfortable with the conversation? She was probably proud of her accomplishment and happy to report that she now wears a smaller size than you. I'm bringing this up so you can reflect on attitudes about size and appearance. Inopportune words can't fall out of your mouth when you don't even think the thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 9:04pm
No text or card to apologize....face to face with a bouquet of flowers. Do not skimp on this...it's so important she see how sorry you are.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:20pm

Sorry, but I'm totally confused.  I'm not seeing where anyone said/did anything wrong.  And - do you really consider a size 6 to be plus size?  It isn't - +size is 14 and above.

 

ETA Okay, the 'you must be jealous' remark was uncalled for.  But, overall, I'm seeing too much concern with weight/sizes. 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 4:31pm

I agree with Swimmer and the sooner the better.

That said, once you make your apology it's up to your friend to accept it or not. Don't expect her to respond any differently to you now than she has in the past. If she accepts your apology then let sleeping dogs lie. If she doesn't, learn from your mistake and hope time will heal the wound between you.

As for "plus size" the fashion world now considers a SIZE SIX to be "plus size." Amazing! The last time I was a size 6 - I was 6 years old!

I am a very happy and well-adjusted size 20W. I could care less what people find "acceptable" in a size. I wear well-fitting clothes I like and feel flatter my body. I am well aware I need to lose weight but here's the kicker: even if I went on a Biggest Loser program and could get down to an "acceptable size," I'd still be a Size 14-16 and I'd have to work hard every day to stay there. What's the joy in that?

Our culture puts waaaaaay too much emphasis on size and not enough emphasis on being healthy. I learned a long time ago if I had to meet someone else's "standards" to be their friend, then they weren't really my friend. I am very happily married to a man who loves me for who I am, not what I look like in a bathing suit or how much I weigh. That's what matters to me.

The rest of the skinny world can go fish.

Oh, and P.S. Wait til you hit your mid-40s and 50's....you'll find out pretty quickly you have no control over a lot of things. Enjoy it while you can!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 5:09pm

I seem to recall hearing something about the fashion world’s"perception" of plus size.  But that’s far removed from the real world.  Fact is, if you go into a plus size store or web site, you will not find anything under a size 12-14. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 9:37am
WSB where are you shopping?? I'm in that plus size category and I have no problem finding fashionable close in stores or online.

San
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 9:37am
I hate auto-correct...clothes
Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 11:20am

I think you've misunderstood the scenario.  There was one younger girl who was addressing the poster and the poster's plus sized friend.  The younger girl lost 15 lbs. and is now a size 4/5.  We have no idea what size the plus size friend wears, except for the assumption that it is a plus sized size, like 12-14 or above.  The poster was saying that the younger girl could now wear clothes closer to the poster's size, and then the poster insinuated that the other plus sized friend there was jealous.

It sounds like a definitely rude comment, and it's a bit scary that this could come out without thinking on the part of the poster--it seems obvious that size is something the poster considers and has thought about with regard to her plus sized friend before even if no comments had been made. I feel sorry for the plus sized friend and could understand her being pretty hurt.

That said, I don't think it's bad to celebrate the younger friend's weight loss; it falls into bad territory when it becomes negatively directed toward the plus sized friend. So, yes, grovelling is in order, as is a real examination of how to not continue to lump the plus sized friend into some category in the poster's mind that is based on the friend's weight or size.  If the poster can focus on the plus sized friend's other great attributes, I think the poster will be less likely to have such insensitive remarks about her friend's weight pop out in the future.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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http://www.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2011
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 1:55pm
lizmvr wrote:

It sounds like a definitely rude comment, and it's a bit scary that this could come out without thinking on the part of the poster--it seems obvious that size is something the poster considers and has thought about with regard to her plus sized friend before even if no comments had been made. I feel sorry for the plus sized friend and could understand her being pretty hurt.

That said, I don't think it's bad to celebrate the younger friend's weight loss; it falls into bad territory when it becomes negatively directed toward the plus sized friend. So, yes, grovelling is in order, as is a real examination of how to not continue to lump the plus sized friend into some category in the poster's mind that is based on the friend's weight or size.  If the poster can focus on the plus sized friend's other great attributes, I think the poster will be less likely to have such insensitive remarks about her friend's weight pop out in the future.

Well put. That's exactly what I was trying to say in my post that was removed. Maybe I didn't go about it the right way (well obviously since it was removed) but I cannot imagine in anyone's world making an insensitive comment like that has to be thought out NOT to say it, it should just be a given. 

I have found that people make comments such as that, but not limited to weight, and then says Oops, sorry about that, but got their comment out there in the process.  Could be for any reason at all they felt the need to say it.

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