I am so confused and unhappy

Avatar for genuinelyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
I am so confused and unhappy
3
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 8:10am
Ok when I was 8 my mom & dad decided to move right next door to my grandparents (my moms family) of course in this small town every1 is related somehow. Anyways since my mom & dad were always fighting & being selfish & never being there for me my grandparents took me under their wing. Ok so for yrs this goes on. My parents were crazy, my father was very mean & abusive to me & my mom. My mom was dazed off & out of it most of the time. My grandparents took good care of me though. They took me places & I always had fun being with them. They were very good to me. The problem is now that I am a married adult & mother of 2 I am so confused about things. Between the negative things my parents taught me & the other things that my grandparents tried to I just don't know how to feel anymore. My grandparents spoiled me terribly. They sugarcoated the world for me. I do not do this w/my kids. I am open & honest in my parenting. I protect them yes, but I don't sugar coat things for them. You have to be honest w/your kids, that's important to me. Anyways so I was never taught really how to love someone, I mean I'm often hateful & distant like my parents were, sometimes very selfish too. I really really want to love my husband & kids & take care of them & be good to them, but how do I do all this when I feel as if I was not given the tools needed to be an adult, handle life & understand people & the world. I'm very indecisive & often run away from situations if I feel they are too much to handle...it doesn't take much either. My poor husband has stood by me for all these yrs, I know he loves me a lot, but I know that he has to be stressed & frustrated. I am in thereapy & on meds so I'm hoping this will help. I am also a very angry person. I broke down on my back porch last wknd, crying like mad & on my knees. The anger was so intense that it made me shake. My husband told me to scream until it hurts, to get it out, whatever it was that I was so angry about to just let it all out. I do feel a little better lol. It took me yrs of unhappiness, anger, & hurting those I love to realize what I am so damn angry about. It's the fact that no one ever really taught me anything useful. They knew that I would someday be an adult so why didn't they teach me something of importance. I am so confused right now. I come from a big family, like on my big fat greek wedding lol no joke & I love them very much. But still to this day they treat me like a child, always want to know my business & if it's not their way well then you must be doing it wrong. Growing up I was always told that things were wrong & sinful that people who do certain things will burn in hell...imagine telling this to a child. Sex is wrong no matter what, good girls don't enjoy sex, if your a wife then sex is a duty to please your man only. Everything was wrong & sinful so now of course I am all closed up & can't enjopy sex w/my husband because I feel dirty & it's not a good kind of dirty like it sounds. It's feelings of shame & guilt. I love him & want to enjoy this w/him, but how. This is so crazy. My whole family is nosey & I am so afraid that they might find out about somethings that I have done, what would they think of me then. I have let loose a few times lol. They are all judges. Basically anything that if fun or feels good is wrong so now I am hiding out in this stupid shell letting life pass me by. Any advice....thanks =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 2:24pm
I am not sure I have any real advice for you because I haven't figured it out myself. But I felt like I was reading about my self just now. Except I didn't have anyone who treated me really nicely. My father was mean and abusive as well. My mother and he would fight every single day. About the messy kitchen, money, my brother whatever was going on at the time. Their yelling was so loud and shattering. I actually learned how to tune them out by watching television. I still do it, people will often try to speak to me while I am watching one of my shows and I truly will not hear them at all. I am tuned into the show and don't hear anything around me. I also can't hear very well these days and I'm only 26.

I don't ever remember being hugged and kissed just because. I don't remember being told that I was loved, ever. It's not that I don't know that I was loved. I know my parents love me very much. Except they showed it in all the wrong ways. My father would buy me stuff but never spent any real time with me especially after I turned 12. We did used to go to his boat together but then it all stopped and I couldn't come anymore. They were both too busy with their business and being tired all the time to be nice I think. My father was naturally mean in everything he said and did and I think he just didn't know how else to be. My mom always fought with him about the way he treated her and everything else but in the end she allowed it because she always stayed no matter how bad it got. I used to beg her to leave him when I was teenager. She'd say there is no where for us to go and that for us she will stay (My brother and I are both grown, He still treats her disrespectfully and she is still there. Plus, my drug addict brother has jumped into the act of disrespecting her). I guess she just doesn't have the strength to do anything else.

Everything was so blunt in my house. I was either lied to or just not told. No one had any unecessary conversations. No one said anything like have a good day today or good luck. It was more like you better do well on that test today or your not going anywhere (even though I was always a good student).

I was constantly told I was stupid and that I didn't know what I was doing. That my dreams were dumb and I could never attain them. When I was in high school I really wanted to act. When I finally got a leading part in the school play I was so excited. On the way home from the performance all my father said was "That piece of garbage is what you've been working on all these months". I actually tried to get out of the car and walk home but my dad and his brute force, oh well. He knew I was mad.

I have moved out of my urban setting to another state which is known for being laid back. And I really can't stand it now when people want to smile at me when they don't know me. I hate it when a particular friend is always asking me if I am excited about stuff. I hate it when people say things like good luck or have a good day. I just feel like saying, "give me an f*&@#%! break". I feel like that sort of stuff is stupid and fake. The only person I am really loving with is my husband and between us that sort of stuff seems fine.

I am really distant with children. I don't have any of my own. I love my nieces and nephews but I can't really spend time with them. Especially the smaller ones. I feel dumb trying to play with them. I would rather put on a movie for them to watch. I feel like there is nothing for us to discuss.

I also am angry. I am less angry now, my husband has taught me a few things. Like take things day by day and not to stress about all the things I don't have. Also, the big one is to stop dwelling on how my life was because I can never change it and if I continue to do so I will just ruin all the days I have to come. I get really envious of people who have nice relationships with their family. I feel like its fake and they can't really be that way. Again, I feel like yelling out, "give me an f*&@#%! break". A lot of the anger has gone away with accepting the fact that my parents didn't know any better. They did the best they could with what they had to work with. They were not raised in this country. They came from a third world country where they were raised in really tough situations. They were never told they were loved and needed. My fathers family are not very nice people. All very hard because of their situation in life. My mother was expected to take on adult responsibitlites at a shockingly young age because she was the oldest of 7 siblings. She never had her own life. I am not so angry anymore because I just try to focus on today and the future.

I still am however very reserved and anti-social except for with a handful of people. It takes time. I am trying but sometimes I feel like I am being fake. It doesn't seem like things that I would really do and say.

All I can say to you is to take it one day at a time. There is nothing you can do about the past but you can shape your future. I hope you are able to work out some of the demons for your self as well. The best you can do is try.

Sorry that I have kind of vented on you now but I guess I just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is not crazy considering what you have been through. Basically just know that your not alone.

Good luck,

Denise.
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 11:30am
I agree with Denise the best advice it take things one day at a time and to know you are not alone in this. There are so many of us that has had a not so normal upbringing that has influenced our lives now. I think you have a great start, you have a family that loves you. I think I would sit down and talk to my DH and see how he feels when I act this way and if he can help. I have learned that we may "think" they know hwat is going on but they really do not know until we can tell them in our own words how things affect us. As for your family, they were wrong in telling you some of the things they did. Love is a beautiful thing and all that goes with it, yes that includes sex. It seems they have tried to influence your life and values with their own and did so at any cost. I would start by setting boundaries and not letting them cross them until I knew I was strong enough to handle them. Ask your DH for help I am sure he will be your most cheerful supporter. I know I do some things and my DH just doesn't understand. I see things inone light and my little family is totally lost until I take the time to cool off and explain. When you feel this way I would do all I could to prevent it. Also maybe you could look for your triggers and try to avoid them whenever you could. Sometimes also we need to just walk away when we get this way so we do not hurt anyone with the way we are. take a step outside or go lay down. I hope this has helped. Remember we are always here and always willing to listen and lend some cyber hugs. Take care ~~~~Michelle
Avatar for genuinelyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:42pm
Thanks for the advice guys! =)