I don't want future inlaws at wedding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
I don't want future inlaws at wedding!
4
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 11:05pm
Hi! I am hoping to get some feedback to a strange situation, I posted this in another room but didn't hear back from anyone, so I figured maybe it's more appropriate here. Okay...the situation is rather unusual and complicated but here goes... (sorry if I get the acronyms wrong) My finance (FDH?) has been divorced for 3 years, has a wonderful 5 yo DD who lives with us part time (joint legal/physical). BM left my FDH for a man she had meet on line, ran up 40k in credit card debt under FDH's name, flew out her SO and left her DD at home alone (a 2 yo!) to have this affair. It was a bad bad situation. At the time, my fiance's parents were very supportive of him but over the years, as their obsession with his DD has increased, they have become monsters. About 6 months ago, BM moved in with my fiance's parents. Yes, that's right, the ex, her now husband and his two kids live full time with my future in laws. On BM's day with my SD, she pretty much hands her over to the in laws. My fiance's parents parent his DD, pay for everything on BM's days, and, turns out, even funded BM's child custody battle in court (during which she hired to most expensive lawyer in town who is now a judge)! As for their granddaughter, even though she is 5, they bathe her, clothe her, and sleep with her. Recently she told us grandma gave her an enima. We are in the process of checking out whether or not that is a legitamate procedure and if not will report it to the authorities. I find the whole situation so sickening. BM thinks its wonderful because she is basically getting money from her former in laws in exchange for giving her daughter to them. The icing on the cake for me is that when BM recently got married, shot-gun wedding, my fiance's father gave her away!! Our wedding is coming up in June and it is going to be so special and wonderful, I am so excited, yet the thought of his parents being there gives me such anxiety I can't handle it. It's not really the situation with the ex that gets me (though his parents did invite her to my wedding), I really am not threatened by her and am comfortable with my relationship with my SD. IT is the fact that I have seen my FDH reduced to tears, his heart permanently hurt by his parent's betrayal. I asked his mom about why she did all these (and so many more) horrible things to him, her only child, and she responded it was because he would not let her and her husband see their granddaughter as much as BM did. That all they care about is their granddaughter. Anyway, I just wanted to vent and get some feedback. We are going to premaritial conseling and getting a lot of help that way. But today being Easter and us without even a phone call as BM, her husband and my in laws vacation together (we have DD this weekend) just breaks my heart. And I can see the pain in FDH and it kills me. I really don't want to share my special day with these people but don't know the best way to express this. I have told my fiance and he says we will play it by ear. Is that the best bet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:28pm
Your in a bad situation that could get worse. I think the only person who should make this decision is your Fiance. Although they have been really rotten to him they are still his parents. I am sure he still loves them very much and wants to have a better relationship with them regardless of everything they've done. Not inviting them to the wedding will probably make the relationship your Fiance has with his parents worse. Although I understand your reasons for not wanting them there it will most likely put the last or next to last nail in the coffin. So this is why HE must make the decision because he will be the one deal with the majority of the consequences. You don't want him to secretly resent you for having a hand in his deteriorating relationship with his parents.

Tread carefully and Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 12:49pm
My opinion, be sure the final decision is your husband's - it is his mother and father you are talking about.

As far as the whole daughter/grand-daughter, ex-wife situation goes - that ex-wife must know exactly what to say, push buttons, etc, in order to get everything she wants!!

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 8:25pm
I'd like to help, but too many abreviations confused me who's who and what.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 04-27-2003 - 11:20pm
I agree with the others that you should leave it up to your fiance to decide about his parents being invited. It is HIS family and he needs to decide. If you decide, he could wind up throwing it back at you that you didn't want them or "allow" them to be there, and that is not a good way to start off a marriage.