I feel like my entire family hates me
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|Fri, 09-19-2003 - 4:13pm|
My parents are deceased. And after my mom died, my oldest half sister (I have four) told me that the four older girls were against the marriage of my parents (our father and my mother) from the start, that they were convinced my parents were having an affair before my father's first wife died, and that the girls certainly hadn't wanted them to have kids of their own. My sister said that she was telling me this for my own good, because she had watched my mom's brothers and sisters immortalize everyone who'd died on her side of the family and get all bent out of shape if someone dared to suggest that the deceased wasn't perfect. And she said she was afraid that I would do that and in turn do it to my brother and scar him worse than he'd already been scarred by losing both his parents by the time he was 16. I don't think that'll make any sense to anyone else but I don't know how else to say it.
My mom's side of the family expects me to BE my mom now that she's gone (they did the same thing to my great-aunt when my grandmother died) and they get SO hurt when I do anything that's remotely unlike what my mother would do in a given situation. I suffer from clinical depression, which they should CERTAINLY understand, since so many of them (there are six left now that my mom has passed) suffer from it themselves. They think everything I do is in some way meant to hurt them or spite them or something. I sent a Christmas card to my aunts last Christmas, after one of them had kicked my brother out of the house (he was living there for the summer so he could work at the Saratoga Racecourse) and forced him to go live with his best friend's parents for a month, and called his cell phone screaming at him. And I got a letter back from them telling me how disappointed my mother would be in me because family was so important to her and that one correspondence a year was nowhere near enough. She was pissed as hell that my great-aunt (the one they all use as a substitute mother) had been up for a visit for her 85th birthday and we hadn't come. Sorry, we don't necessarily want to always be in the presence of people who are rude to us and scream at us and kick us out of their homes.
I don't know what they want. I can't BE MY MOM FOR THEM. And I really don't think I'm the inhuman seven-headed monster/screwup they make me out to be either. But I do think that it's not my job to make them happy all the time, because what would make them happy would be for me to be a carbon copy of my mom. The best I can be is me, and that's not good enough for them.
That's my rant.