I hope this doesn't spoil Christmas

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
I hope this doesn't spoil Christmas
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:25pm
I have mentioned before about my son's ex partner and how she moved to another country for almost two years. She got married but it only lasted 3 months and now she is back again. I was determined to be nice to her. If anybody was going to behave like an idiot, it wasn't going to be me!

Anyway, she emailed my granddaughter before she came back and asked her to go to another city with her to visit her parents because she had nowhere to go for Christmas. So I invited her here for Christmas. At the time she said then she wouldnt be going away. My son was here this afternoon and, as happened before, my granddaughter is now kind of "ganging up" with her mother against him. He said that his daughter now says that she is going away with her mother after Christmas. He was understandably upset. He took holidays over Christmas to spend time with his daughter, and now her mother shows up and she says she is going away with her. I know he feels that her mother is a piece of c**p for preferring to spend time with this boyfriend rather than her daughter, but his daughter, being only 10, doesnt see things that way.

So, we go Christmas shopping. We get to the store and my son says "go in with Grandma and show her where she gets that gift certificate". "No, I dont want to". Stays sitting in the back of my car with her mother. We get to another store. Again he says "come on - let's go into the store" Again she says no. My son drove my car back to my house. Got out. Got into his car and drove away leaving the ex and his daughter standing on the sidewalk. So I drove them home. I did talk to her on the phone after and I said that she could have done what her Dad asked and it would have avoided him getting upset. But of course, the two of them are just being b**ches and she just said her Dad was being a baby and would get over it.

Now, I talked to my husband and we can handle things. We are adaptable - if my granddaughter goes away after Christmas, we will do things that don't involve her and it will be fine. My son doesn't see things that way. He is very sensitive. His daughter is his whole world. I have tried to tell him that 10 year olds don't see things the way adults do. I said "if you think your daughter is going to be talked into going away - then just pretend its fine with you - otherwise it looks like your ex has won". He just got upset!

I know that both he and I know that his daughter has inherited quite a bit of her mother bi*chiness!! I don't totally understand why she sides with her mother. I honestly think if her Mom got mad and said she wasn't coming for Christmas - my granddaughter would stay home with her Mom!! I kind of think her Mom works on her and makes her feel guilty, but you wouldn't guess that from the way my granddaughter behaves - she just behaves like her Mom is the favourite.

I wonder if there is anything I can say to him - I know he feels like his daughter is kind of betraying him - he was the one who was always there for her - and now her mother comes back and right away she is on her mother's side.

Edited 12/23/2003 6:36:50 PM ET by lizwil98

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:39pm

Liz, I am so sorry to hear things are getting worse instead of better. And it sounds to me like it will continue this way until your granddaughter is grown - at least past 16yo and is better able to see the whole situation for what it is. Like you said, at 10yo she doesn't see it with an adult's eyes and you can't reason with her to do that. Not yet, anyway.

And I think I understand about the guilt thing... It could be that your GD's mother IS making her feel guilty for living with her Dad, and so GD responds by siding with Mom every chance she gets, to win Mom's approval and love. GD may feel like if she goes against Mom in any way, that Mom will stop loving her and stop visiting all together. I've read all of your updates, and I still feel like


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 10:11am
Thanks a lot for your good wishes. My girlfriend said sort of the same thing - she said its like kids who are badly behaved for their parents becuase they are familiar with them but when they go to daycare they are little angels!!

One of my greatest wishes is that my son will find a lovely woman with a wonderful friendly supportive family so that he can share his life with her. He is a very caring giving person and he deserves someone wonderful in his life. For the past 10 years his daughter has been his whole life and I guess subconsciously at least she knows that. Like you said, when you are 100% sure that someone loves you - you don't have to WIN that person's love. However, that being said, its very hurtful to be treated like you are second best.

Incidentally, since May she has never phoned her daughter, she was on MSN Messenger ONCE with her in August - never so much as emailed her from May until December when she decided to come back again. How could a mother be like that?????? I can understand my son being upset. You treat your daughter like sh** - totally ignore her for a year and then get rewarded for being kind enough to come back into her life!!!

I do feel that probably my gd is getting to the age where she will make her choice of where her allegiance lies. If she sides with her mother - then she is going to be siding with someone who puts herself first all the time. Yes, right now she has money her brother gave her and is spending it on her daughter. The brother is apparently going to buy her a car and pay off her debts. He gets his money illegally so whether he will continue to supply her with money is anybody's guess. However, like Dr. Phil says - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behavior and once something better comes along, like another boyfriend, my gd will be back to being bottom of the heap with her Mom.

I don't know if you will agree with my thinking, but I am getting to the point where I feel that if my gd sides with her Mom against her Dad, then she will have to bear the consequences of that choice. I used to feel like my son was doing the right thing in putting his life on hold for his daughter. I feel today like its my son who is the one who is suffering - not my gd. While my gd would be heartbroken if he did - perhaps he should start dating again. I never thought I would feel like this but quite frankly I am a bit pi**ed off with my gd for treating her dad like that. But probably I am just being vindictive and I certainly dont intend to advise him on this.

Mom is now living in my son's basement, which drives him nuts, but he says every time he suggests she find a place of her own, his daughter cries and so he lets her stay because he doesnt want his daughter to think he is the bad guy in all this. He is kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place - either he puts up with this woman sponging off him or else his daughter will side even more with her mother if Dad is the one who throws her out!

Of course, a more mature woman would be saying "now listen, your Dad and I don't want to live together so I will get my own place and you can stay wherever you want."

Yeah - dream on!!!!

Edited 12/24/2003 10:24:01 AM ET by lizwil98