I lied to my parents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
I lied to my parents!
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 12:31pm
I am 33, and just lied to my parents. I can't help but feel guilty but in the same vein, I am old enough that I can do as I please....right?

Short story:

About 2 decades ago my mom and dad had a falling out with her side of the family. I only have a few details, but it appears to be due to a business. Knowing what I know about my parents, I have no doubt that they were just as much at fault as her family.

Now I want to reestablish contact with them. They also are eager to become family again. My mom, a very emotional woman, is recuperating from cancer and my dad made me promise not to contact them. It was emotional blackmail really...telling me that this is making my mom sicker. I kept saying that I wasn't going to discuss the issue, but he pressed and pressed and wasn't about to give up.

I have plans to see them during Thanksgiving and was really looking foward to it. My mom and dad would never find out (most probably at least).

What should I do?

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 12:41pm
I agree with you, you should be able to see who ever you want. Just because THEY had a falling out doesn't mean that you have to follow in their footsteps. If they don't find out, good. If they happen to later, then be honest and tell them the way you feel and why you did it. If they don't agree with your decision, then it's their problem (even if they ARE you parents) they should actually take your feelings into consideration....especially if that happened a long time ago...why hold grudges.

Go have fun reestablishing a friendship/relationship with your family!
Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 2:24pm
You're 33 and old enough to know better what's good for you. Don't bring up the topic unless they do, and be honest, and open. If they don't like what you've done, oh well, it's for your own good and you meant no harm. That's their problem. Don't be blackmailed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 8:45pm
It's unfair for your parents to want to restrict you from contacting the other side of the family. Makes me wonder just what they are so afraid you will find out from them? But really, you are an adult and have a right to know your family - all of them, in spite of what your parents want.

It is sticky about your Mom, though. It's too bad she takes your actions so personally that they would actually make her sicker (I doubt it - emotionally, yes, but physically, NO.) At any rate, just remember your actions will not make her sicker - only her REACTION to them. It is not your fault, and please don't let yourself feel guilty for doing what you know is your right.

I say go see your family, but don't volunteer the information to your parents. If they ask, by all means be honest with them, but pad your words with kindness and love. Whatever caused the falling-out between the families may have your parents afraid that you will take sides, too - and leave them out. Assure them that you will not discuss the family divide (that was 2 decades ago and doesn't matter anymore!) and you only want to build a relationship with them from this point forward. The rest is water under the bridge, and let by-gones be by-gones, or whatever cliche you choose.

I hope your mother recovers - it is good to know that cancer survivors are growing in numbers. Hope your mom is one of them. Good luck, and please post back and let us know what happens!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 3:43pm
Have you ever heard of a child who gets themselves so upset that they vomit?

My mom is the adult version of that. If you get her upset, she will get physically sick. She has proven this to me time and time again. So if I tell her, I know she will get sick.

We had an argument while I was there and she got so upset that she got herself sick and almost had to go to the hospital. It was not a good time.

It just bothers me that I have to play these games. I think I will spend the holidays with my "other" family, but I will not tell them.

On another note, I found out that my mom and my MIL have been keeping something secret from me. They thought that I didn't "need" to know. What the truth is that if I would have found out, I would have been mad (which I was). The difference is that I am not so mad at the actions (my husband who is my reality check doesn't think the action was so bad) but the keeping it from me is what I am ticked about. If they would have told me to begin with, my husband would have put me in my place (metaphorically speaking) and I wouldn't have caused any trouble. Now, I am so mad that I have basically cut off contact with both of them. I make my son call at least once a week (usually more) to talk to the grandparents and now I am refusing to answer their calls. I am so ticked!!!!!

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com