I need help with this situation

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
I need help with this situation
5
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 12:19am
I am new just discovered this board and I hope you very sweet folks can help me and let me just vent a little.

Here is the situation. I have 3 adult children, the oldest two are married and have their own families, we are a very close knit family that has the usual ups and downs but nothing major. The problem is our youngest son. He is 22, has a great job, really a good guy. About a year ago he met a young lady, married but seperated for 4 years, with two children, she is almost 7 years older than my son. Not the ideal situation but I honestly thought he was sort of "spreading his wings" and this relationship would end. No such luck, he has moved in with her, and is now the only bread winner.

If that is not bad enough, she has two monster children. They are 7 and 5. The kids cuss, hit adults and generally just do as they please. The bio grandparents will have nothing to do with them due to their behavior.

Here is what I really need help with. My two older children are now refusing to come over for family dinners, functions, holidays or anything else as long as these 2 little "angels" are present. I know how bad it is when they are here, I live thru it also. I have been hit by these kids, spit on, slapped at and kicked. I have also had food thrown at me and my house almost totally destroyed by them, the oldest ( a girl)took a pair of scissors to my daughters wedding gown in a closet and cut it up! I caught her in the act. The kids have also done damage at my older kids homes.

I have spoken to my son, and he says that the Mom refuses to make them behave and that she will not do anything. I have told my son that he is welcome to family functions but not to bring the kids, but about an hour or so after he gets here, his girlfriend will show up, if she does not show she calls constantly with one emergency after another. Does anyone have any advice, ideas???? This is tearing up our family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 1:19am
Oh goodie - I get to be the first to welcome you to the board!!! so Welcome, Goldie! I really wish I had some golden advice to offer you in this situation, but I don't. Sounds to me like you have a wonderful family and you're doing all you can to diffuse the situation while trying to keep peace with your children and their families. Your son must also feel torn between his GF, the kids, you and his siblings - a difficult time for him, as well.

Somehow, I get the feeling that he and the GF won't last very long. I dunno - maybe because he's only 22 and so young to be burdened with so MUCH responsibility, or that she's separated but not divorced, or that the kids' behavior will probably only get worse as they get older (unless someone gets control of them NOW). I can actually hear them telling your son, if he tries to discipline them, "I don't have to do what you say - you're not my father!"

Honestly, if this were my family, I would do exactly as you are doing - but would probably take it a step further: Deny this woman and her little monsters access to my home unless she agrees to abide by my house rules - AND agrees to support me when I discipline her children (and I would!)

She probably thinks you are the MIL from H**l, but so be it. You do NOT have to let this woman and her children run over you and destroy your home just because your son lives with her and supports them.

I can only hope your son sees the damage they are doing not only to your family, but also to his future - and how this woman is manipulating him. I hope he either gets out of this relationship soon, or takes control of the situation by putting his foot down on their behavior. Either the GF will abide by his discipline, or she will get mad at him and kick him out. Better for him, anyway.

Best of luck to you and your son, and God's grace to all of you.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 5:06pm
I know you don't want to seem like the bad guy here but you have no choice. You have told your son that if the children don't behave they are not allowed in your home. Don't back down!!! Even if the girlfriend continues to call w/ Emergency's your son will soon get fed up with her antics. He will either tell her that she must do something about their behavior or get out of the situation.

By the way if your son is the bread winner in that home he has every right to discipline them himself. If he is going to bring those children into your home he should take some responsibility himself and make it his business that the children will behave or go home.

Good Luck :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 6:04pm
Welcome to the board!!!

I agree with the others in that you need to say something to the GF as well. I think it is wrong of your son's GF to expect that you and your family will tolerate her childrens' behavior no matter what. I think you need to sit them BOTH down TOGETHER and explain that while you don't mind having the children over (the more the merrier), but there are just a few guidelines that they need to follow, like a) staying in certain rooms, b) keeping their hands off of things that don't belong to them unless they ask first, etc.

If his GF is offended, so be it. Is your son in favor of her controlling her kids behavior, or is he OK with them being obnoxious?

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 7:02pm
My son does not like their antics anymore than the rest of us. I have told him so many times that if he wants to be around the kids that is great but then he needs to control them!My son agrees that they make his life a living nightmare and that his sweetie is too "lazy" to deal with it but you know the old saying "love is blind"!

DH and I sat him down last night and clearly told him, that we would no longer allow this situation to destroy our family get togethers. We gave him our clear ground rules....kids in family room omly, no food or drink unless they are at the table (that rules applies to all the grandkids), no crayons, no scissors!!! First time they hit,slap,spit, cuss or just get too unruly, he is to pack them up and leave.

I hope I do not sound like a witch, but I have 5 step grandkids and one bio. I try to treat them all like they are all important and loved by us. None of the other kids act like this and I cannot see why I should allow these two darlings to act like they so.

Thanks to everyone for their replies, I feel so welcome!

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 10:55am
Welcome Welcome Welcome. I am so glad you found us!! We hope you can post as much as your time allows. We would love for ya to koin our little group. We have some really great folks here who are willing to help with anything. It is good to have you. Just jump in wherever you feel comfortable.

Now about these "monster" kids. I would be taking charge in my own way. If the mother and your son don't seem to be doing it I would. I would talk to the mother first and then start with the kids. When they hit or something I would tell them in my stern this is my house voice. That even though you may be allowed to do this in your home we do not put up with this in my home. I wouldn't feel like I was being a "witch" to them and not afraid to offend them I would be like this is my home and it will be run the way I want it to be. If she doesn't like this she can keep them away or take the lead and make them kids be respectful to their elders. I am not saying scream at them all the time I am saying tell them your rules and make them stick to em. I also would have a family meeting and let my other children know that you understand and are in the process of taking the reins and to not stay away because of this. Like the others said he may dump her in the near future or it could be a permanent thing. I would just take control of my home no matter if they work out or not. Others want to be there with you and not have to worry about a little one jumping on them all the time.

Again welcome to the board. Let us know how the next visit goes. Rememebr we are when you need us. Until then~~~~~Michelle