i shouldn't feel this way but i do

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fran1975
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
i shouldn't feel this way but i do
31
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 12:57pm

I really wish I could enjoy being around my parents but I simply don't. The older I get, the less tolerance I have for their behavior and often narrow, sometimes even bigoted, view of the world. They always want me to visit them on the weekend, but the visits amount to nothing but listening to them go off on politics as they try to hammer their "correct" opinions into my head. I'm in my mid-thirties, and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. Life is too short for being angry at the world. When I try to excuse myself-- I have no desire to join their debates-- they immediately jump on me, saying, "aha, see you know we're right, so you're uncomfortable, that's why you're leaving and avoiding the discussion!"

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cat_alley
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 1:31pm
I don't know why you think you shouldn't feel the way you do. I'd feel the same way. And you're doing the right thing by limiting visits/phone calls. They have no one to blame but themselves.

 

fran1975
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 1:47pm

I think I feel bad because they're getting older and they're not bad people, they're just unhappy and somewhat ignorant. Lately they've been trying to make me feel guilty for not visiting them, but the sad truth is I get nothing out of these visits but anxiety and the feeling that there are so many other more pleasant things I could have done with my day instead. I don't think they understand that for me this is becoming a matter of self-preservation, or maybe more like maintaining my sanity.

cat_alley
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 2:06pm
I'm assuming you've told them straight up why you're limiting time with them, is that correct? And if so, what did they say?

 

sillysadie
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 3:04pm

Like cat, I assume you've told them why you're not coming around so often.

fran1975
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 4:48pm

I've tried to tell to them that I don't enjoy sitting on their couch debating politics, but it seems as if they just don't want to hear me-- or they respond with a condescending remark suggesting that I'm brainwashed and don't understand anything. Changing the subject doesn't help much, either. Lately they'll ask me what I think about specific issues in the news, or what does my boyfriend think-- I know they're trying to feel out if we agree with them on everything, and if not, then we're some other species who doesn't know how horrible the world is. I get the sense they want the entire family to be one angry voting block ready to spew hatred against modern society. Interestingly, I'm the one who has been unemployed in the past, having to cut back on spending, paying Cobra benefits, living in studio apartments because that's all I could afford... my parents never faced any such issues.

cat_alley
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 5:06pm
Oh, your ending about your grandma was funny!

With your parents, you need to tell them the reason you are limiting your time/phone calls is because of their behavior. It doesn't sound like you've done that.

 

azure195
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 7:15pm

Your thread

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deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Sun, 09-25-2011 - 11:00pm
You could be describing my DH who is a wonderful, kind & loving man but when he gets caught up in something, I do turn off my hearing aids (not a senior just almost deaf). He will rant & rave as it sounds like your parents do & if anyone tells him to try to do something constructive rather than ranting, he gets angry. He expects everyone to agree that what he says is the only truth. Thankfully, he is rational most of the time & during one of these times our DS1 explained that he had no interest in being home if Dad was ranting. He also said that he wasn't bring new friends into this environment. DH was shocked & hurt first but then he seemed to start to listen to himself. He realized what he was doing esp when discussing gay rights. He was very negative in his rants but truthfully, he supports that people have the right to love/live/marry who they wish. 2 of his siblings are gay and this has never impacted his relationship with them but if something is in the paper, then he can get into one of his rants. Now the rants still happen but with much less frequency & I'm supposed to interrupt to let him know what he is doing but that normally ends up with me getting yelled at then a major apology a few hrs later.

Can you try to explaining your feelings to your parent or at least one of them. Don't do this in anger but in honesty? Our generation was raised that your parents were right & you deferred to them. Watch a few episodes of the old tv show Archie Bunker. He was the extreme version of the way our generation was raised to have opinions. Men were always right & they were kings in their own homes regardless of how they were treated outside. It not right that your parents are acting this way but it is unfortunately not unusual.
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cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Mon, 09-26-2011 - 2:26pm
Hi, we're around the same age. I live in the south, and my parents are extremely conservative, and go to church 3x per week. I don't know why I turned out the way I have, but I am very liberally minded moreo socially than politically. When my nieces were young, I would excuse myself from the adult conversation and go play with them. Now that they are all teenagers, I often just sit and listen. When I can, I'll make attempts at changing the subject, and most times, it actually works. Fortunately, I have two siblings. Their views don't reflect my own, but I don't think they enjoy when conversation becomes overly negative so they are good about chiming in when I try. Have you tried talking to them about this issue? Perhaps it would be worth it. I'll also add, that at one point, someone in my family introduced games into the mix, for after dinner entertainment. Rook, pictionary, taboo...that sort of thing. We even played charades a couple of Xmases. Anyway, in the end, I don't think you're going to be able to change your parents. I would try to focus on the good things about them and try not to judge them for their skewed view of the world. I'm sure they are aware that your views differ from their own, and they still love you :)
azure195
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
In reply to: fran1975
Re: i shouldn't feel this way but i do
 Mon, 09-26-2011 - 3:20pm

I don’t think OP is looking for assurances about her

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