If you were me, what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
If you were me, what would you do?
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 9:08pm
I'm going to try to condense a long story. I was adopted out at birth. My adopted parents died by the time I was 13 yrs old. My birth mother contacted me and it was decided by my adopted aunts and uncles that I should return to her. I'd never met her until then.

I found I had two older siblings and a younger one.

Explaination was that the older sibs and I had the same father, he left mom for another woman, and mom found out after he left that she was pregnant with me.

I remember discovering that I was adopted, and I asked my adopted dad questions. He told me that my bio mom said she'd had an affair while her husband was in the military, and wanted to adopt the baby before he got back. I have never had any doubt that my dad was telling me what he knew to be the truth. When I moved in with my bio mom, an aunt approached me that my bio mom and told the family that I had died at birth.

Mom has never really cared for me, and used to beat the heck out of me. She's always told me to get out of her life. I tried to be the perfect daughter, but she was never happy.

Here I am now, 29 yrs later. I have a family of my own, and grandkids. I have not contacted my mom, I stopped after she started calling my kids bastards. My sister tells me that mom now wants to talk to me alone. I was able to get out of her what it's about. Now it seems that I'm a product of rape. I don't know if it's true, because that's the same excuse mom used for her sister's son, come to find out years later, auntie had an affair. I don't know whether to believe this woman or what. Why is she doing this? Do I go hear her out, apologize to her? Does she think that is a justification of how she treated me? I'm 42 yrs old, what is the point now? Does anyone have any insight, suggestions? Please let me know.

Thanks for bearing with this pathetic recount of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-18-2003 - 11:57pm
This might be Crazy but , maybe you should write down all your feelings about your Mom in a letter to her and why you feel the way you do. In the letter recount your experiences with your Mom, so that she can see it from your point of view. It might even help you to feel better, even if you decide not to give the letter to your mom. And then point out in the letter, the person that you have become and what you chose not to be, from her example. And let her know how much you have had to over come, because of her. If you can think of anything good, point that out too. After you write the letter, then try to decide what is the best thing to do for you and your family.

It sounds like you cannot trust anything your Mom says. She has lied to many times and how are you supposed to tell when she is telling the truth or not? And if she could call innocent children (her own grand children at that) bastards and treat you the way she did, she should have that guilt weighing on her mind! So why tell you that she was raped now? If you talk to her, see if she knows the guys name. Maybe if you question what happened, you will be able to tell if she is lying or not.

I DO NOT think you should apologize to her. Unless it is to say "You know, I feel really bad about all the wrong things I have done in my life. But looking back I realize that I was just a troubled kid, that was grasping for anything I could to make sense of things (or try and get away from problems etc)!" It is ok to feel bad if you think you made mistakes. But you made those mistakes because of the direction (and downfalls) you were given in your life. Am I right? We all handled the stress of being a young person differently. Just do not let her bring you down again. Your past that now. And you did the right thing by your kids, when you broke ties with her. You had to protect your children from her kind of hurt.

Even if rape was what happened, you were an innocent kid that did not deserve to be treated how she treated you. She was the adult, she should have known better.

I hope I made sense here. I have bio parents that sound similar to your Mom, so I have had to deal with my share of things too. My bio Dad lost his wife 2 years ago and now he writes/calls me, all the time telling me how I need to come see him before he dies too. But in the same breath he starts bashing my adopted parents and bio Mom for things that happened 30 years ago. And he lies, on top of lies, about things I know to be fact!! He acts like my dd's hung the sun in the sky, but ignores my boys. That is a craziness that I just do not need in my life. I feel like he chose to give me away and treat me like crap all those years, so why does he want me now??

Just think about writing her a letter. It might help you, even if she chooses to not see your side of things. At least you will know that you have called her on her wrong doings. Then again, they do say forgiveness is the best thing. Are you ready to go that far? Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 07-19-2003 - 8:22am
I don't know what I'd do it I were u since my life has been so different from yours. I am sorry u have so much stuff to deal with :-( It sounds like your bio parents had a lot of lies and secrets in that family, and then other stuff too and your bio mom bear you, to me that is enough right there never to speak to her as an adult. My cousin's wife (28) was beaten by her mom and hasn't spoken to her since she turned 18. I can see where she's coming from on that. To me your life does NOT sound pathetic at all. You had your adopted parents who sound like they loved u a lot, and I am sorry u lost them...but now u have your own family and adult life and even grandkids too. It's like u have your own life and if your bio mom is still being a hag then forget her, don't let her be involved in your life. I have total sympathy for anyone who is raped but honestly I think the rape thing sounds like another excuse from ur mom trying to justify the way she has acted all these yrs, and also even if it IS true I am sorry but getting raped and having a baby from it still doesnt justify treating your daughter like crap for her whole lifetime, even if she was raped it's not YOUR fault. I am only 18 and I know it's not all that simple but really I think u are definitly an adult and owe it to yourself to cut her out if she is making things harder on u. You should be able to live free and happy cuz u earned it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 07-19-2003 - 1:50pm
Thank you so much for your input. The letter writing does sound good. I've been thinking of all the things I want to say to her. It has taken me a long time to get past my anger with her. Now that I've gotten wind of what this "version" is, I can see that might possibly be true, and maybe that's why she did the things she did, but it doesn't justify anything. My mom favors boys (especially my brothers). When she would come around, she would ask me if she could take my DS's to her house so they could play with my brothers and sisters kids. I always declined, because if she didn't love me, I know she wouldn't love any of my children. She used to hit my sisters kids (and those were her favorites) what would she have done to mine? I'm still debating on talking to her, but I've pretty much buried the ax and don't wish to dig up hurt feelings. I can forgive her to an extent, I'm still not big enough to forgive totally.
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-22-2003 - 7:36pm
I am sorry to hear what all has happened to you. You seem to be a wonderful person who just wants to know the answers that she seems to not want to give you. Is there anyway you could talk to extended family members and try to find out from them? What about your adoptive family? Do you stillhave ties with them? I think I would ask anyone and everyone I knew who might have some answers. Even the smallest of answers can lead to bigger things. I can totally understand not wanting to dig up old feelings. Maybe you could write the letter and you don't even have to give it to her. Maybe you could just write everything youare feeling and that would help release some of your feelings. You said at the end that you were grateful for us listening to your life.(not using the same words for a reason :) ) Let me tell ya something....for being a person who survived this childhood, all the things you dealt with as an adult, had wonderful children and had the insight to get away from the hurt I commend you. You sound like a loving, caring, helpful and strong person who has learned from what you have been through and have survived!! I am proud of you. I hope this has helped in some way. Please feel free to post as much as you like. We are always here and willing to lend an ear. Until then~~~~Michelle