Irritating questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Irritating questions
11
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:56pm
I am in my 30s and in a serious relationship, for the first time in a long time.

My friends and family are constantly asking me about the relationship, ie. "is it getting more serious?" "when is your boyfriend going to pop the question?" etc, etc. You get the picture.

Sometimes, I want to talk about other things besides my relationship. But they keep bringing up the topic of my boyfriend. This is hurting me, in lots of ways. I'm trying to not get too *lost* in a relationship, and maintain my focus. I'm tired of the constant questions from others.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 12:14pm
It sounds as if you are perpetually the guest at a wedding party, and all these extraneous aunts and uncles are asking you when are you getting married. I am sorry. I am 26 and it happens to me on occasion. I just tell them, "I have no plans right now to get married." Say it without emotion, practice if you have to. It works, it leaves people stunned.

Good Luck,

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 1:38pm
Actually I did use this line recently. I told a girlfriend who had the audacity to say to me "where will the wedding be?" I told her that we were not getting married at this time (in fact we aren't even engaged!) I was stunned by her question, she was equally stunned by my response.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 1:57pm
My husband and I used to get this question a lot. What a pain it was. We were together for about 7 years when we decided to get married. Everyone's got their own timeline and others should respect that, but they don't. I think a lot of people don't realize how annoying these questions are. I found the following responses to be helpful:

* We don't have any plans to get married right now.

* Why do you ask?

* Why ruin a good thing?

Oh, I don't know. (Say this like marriage was the furthest thing from your mind and the question about when you are getting married is totally out of left field)

Any my personal favorite which my cousin tells our grandma:

* I have no plans to get married because then you will just start asking me when I am going to have kids.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 3:11pm
Boy is lucy4980 right. Once you get married, now it's "When are you going to have kids?"

My DH & I get this all the time. If they only knew we've been trying & it's not coming easy. I get tired of saying it'll happen when it does or only God knows. I wish I had a smart comeback to make people realize it's rude to ask that, just like it's rude to constantly ask people when they are getting married. It's really none of their business, & when it happens, you'll let them know.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 4:07pm
Ask them where the nearest bed is located so you can get started right away. This usually renders people speechless. I find this works best if you can say it in a totally serious voice and then when they don't respond, just shrug your shoulders and walk away. Classic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 10:25am
Have you read the Bridget Jones books? They contain some wonderful stuff about nosey smug marrieds who think its okay to pry into the lives of singletons. If you've got the guts, maybe you could parry the prying questions with some of your own. When someone asks you about how serious you are getting, ask her something incredibly personal like if she had an orgasm the last time she had sex. Well, maybe not that personal, but you get the idea. Learn the art of redirection, which can be subtle or not as the occasion demands, coupled with vague answers. When someone brings up the subject, say, "we are doing great" or "things are progressing" and then change the subject. If they are tenacious and/or daft, repeat as needed with less sublty and they will get the message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:15pm
Thanks for the response to the annoying ? of when will U have kids. I can see that shutting people up & realizing not to ask that. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 7:16pm
I feel bad that people ask "when are you having kids?" I would NEVER ask anyone this.

It hurts me for people to be bugging me about my boyfriend - I'm sick of people asking me about him and our relationship because I'm 37 and never married. And it makes me feel like, I am not enough. I have to be getting married, to be validated in their eyes. I love my boyfriend a lot - but I'm tired of talking only about him. I have other things going on in my life to talk about, but people just assume that I should only be focusing on him and nothing else (?) This one friend of mine keeps bringing this up over and over again; she is married, she keeps hounding me to do "couples" stuff with her and her husband, me and my boyfriend. Well, I don't think my boyfriend would have anything in common with these people, so I don't want to force him to hang out with them.

As for asking about "when are you going to have kids". No one knows for sure if they can even have them. Some people can't. Some people struggle with infertility. Its such an incredibly personal issue to bring up with someone. Its like asking "hey, how is your sex life?" or "how much is in your bank account right now?" You just don't ask these kinds of questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:46pm
For some reason, those ?'s about getting married & having kids have become accepted as conversation. I guess it's up to us to make people who ask them realize it's not right to do.

My SIL is 35, never married, no kids. She always talks about how she's in a hurry to get married (though she has no boyfriend) yet every guy she meets she finds fault w/. I don't think she wants to give up her ability to do what she wants when she wants. My husband thinks it's a conflict between her not really wanting to marry a guy & all the ideas, etc... instilled in her by their mom, grandparents who made it seem like her main purpose is to get married & have kids. It's sad that in this day & age we still base a woman's accomplishments on whether she's gotten married & had kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 8:02pm
I will share with you answers I USED to give (I was 21 when I got engaged so I was a lot younger when that question was asked)

"Why buy the bull when you can get the stud service for free"

When I was asked about kids (after I was married at 24), I would answer in a dead serious tone:

"We are not sure we can have kids."

Then walk away. It is vague enough yet shames them into not asking again.

I did want to reiterate that I was much younger when I gave these answers.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: www.leorra.com

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