Issues w/ brother's!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Issues w/ brother's!
Wed, 07-30-2003 - 5:52pm
Hello women! I've been living w/ my brother and his girlfriend for over 5 months now and things were going fairly well, until about 1 1/2 months ago. Here is the story: I moved from WA to CA to live with my brother and his girlfriend, they were kind enough to take me in and help me get started in a brand new place. I think all in all, my brother's girlfriend wanted me to move down here w/ them because she wanted us to become best friends (have the same relationship as my best friend in WA) and hang out with each other all the time and magically click. Her and I are completely different and we have very different personalities where we are not that compatible...we can't hold a conversation, it's hard for us to laugh histerically at silly things, and the things that I enjoy doing, she thinks is "weird" and she does not enjoy what I enjoy doing.

Well, 1 1/2 months ago, all three of us went back to WA together to visit my family and when I was there, I met up w/ my best friend and for some reason, my brother's girlfriend got mad and blew up at me, saying that I have no respect for her and that I had treated her like a stranger the whole time that I was in WA...I tried to explain to her that I never get to spend time w/ my best friend and I did invite her to go everywhere we went, but she never wanted to hang out w/ us, she only wanted to hang out w/ my brother. So when we got back to CA, she stirred up a bunch of stuff (over what? I am not sure) and started to say mean things to me, about how I have no respect for her, that she has done everything for me and I don't appreciate it and all this other stuff...the main thing that hurt was that she told me to move out, but in harsher words. I was not an angel in this situation either, but I had to defend myself too because the way she was talking to me was not in a respectful manner. I thought things were cleared up and that all this fighting was a misunderstanding of things and of course, we aren't friends anymore, but we were on a civil level because she is my brother's girlfriend and we do live with each other....

After this happened, oddly, my car gets egged about 3 weeks ago and then the other day, my car gets my brother tells her about it and then she gets all mad, saying that I am accusing her of doing those things, well, she meant to email her friend, but accidentally sent it to me and of course, she is talking about me behind my back, saying that I am making things up so that people would feel sorry for me. What upsets me the most is that she is putting words in people's mouths, for example, she is bringing my mother into this, saying that I told my mother, when in fact, I never spoke to my mother about it, so how would she know anyway? Right? I guess I need some help on what to do here. I am tired of fighting w/ her and she is picking on me. I don't want to move back to WA because of one person and I can't afford to live on my own...what should I do and how should I handle a person like that?

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 08-01-2003 - 8:16pm
Hopefully there is still time to mend this relationship. I think the most important thing you can do is acknowledge her feelings. Tell her that you got caught up in the excitement of seeing your old friend and knew you only had a limited time to spend with her. Tell you that although you did invite her to hang out with and your friend, you realize that you were not doing things that she would enjoy being with you. It would also be good to admit the truth and tell her that you really want to be friends with her but you also know that you the two of you are very different. But even with those differences you believe that you can still have a good relationship and enjoy each other. Tell her how forunate you are to have her and brother take you in and help you get started in a new town.

If you do not feel that you can have a conversation that will stay calm, then write her a letter. (and keep a copy of it...just in case) And also make sure that your brother is in on it. I'm sure he feels terrible and stuck in the middle. As far as the incidents with the car, let them go. Saving the relationship seems more important than things done in a moment of anger.

How it all works out for you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 08-04-2003 - 12:29pm
I am not sure if this is some thing you can figure out because it seems that she is being irrational.

She became upset because you were hanging out w/ your best friend that you no longer get to see. She was invited but refuses to come and then says you were disrespectful to her?

She seems like a spoiled child - "waa waa, you didn't do what I wanted to do, waa waa".

She acts guilty of the egging and scratching because she was merely told about it and then claims she is being accused of the acts.

In my view she is being ridiculous and there is no reason you should apologize except for maybe the words that should not have been said between the both of you. However, if you want to try to start new maybe you can sit her down and tell her that you are sorry that everything got so out of hand. You two have had a lot of misunderstandings and that you would like to work things out. Tell her you want to have peaceful conversation with out yelling or speaking to each other in a disrespectful manner. You can speak to her about how she hurt you and vise-versa. Perhaps you can work it out.

I do think you should try to move out. You don't need her holding it over your head what she has done for you every time you don't feel like hanging out with her. Look in the classifieds there are always people looking for room mates. It can be a little weird to move in with a stranger but sometimes it is less stressful than moving in w/ family or friends because the rules and boundaries are clear from the beginning. There are companies on line that will look up the background of a person if you are really worried and you can tell the perspective new room mate this is a stipulation of your moving in. You can tell them they can run the same check on you. Nothing personal but you just want to be safe. Also, you should ask around to the few people you do know at your job etc.. perhaps there is someone you know or they know looking for a room mate.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:38pm
Thank you for both of your help...I really do appreciate it. You know, I've tried to save our friendship and that's when I found out about the email. I didn't know that she still dislikes me or is mad at me. It's sad to say, but honestly, the damage is already done...and I am still trying to heal from her words and from her attitude. I don't think we can ever be friends again. I don't want to be friends anymore. I feel bad for my brother because he is stuck in the middle. As long as he is happy, I will respect her and be civil with her, but with our friendship, there is nothing to save because honestly, we weren't as close of friends. She thinks material things are what shows the value of a friendship. That's not what I think.

The one thing I can't get over is how she tries to always make me look like the bad guy. We've had our tiffs and our arguments in the past few months, but even though it's not my fault or I didn't know I did anything wrong, the finger is always pointed towards me and I don't like that. She only looks at things black or white, never gray and never in a compromising way. I don't like how she makes me feel guilty, especially, making things up and putting words in other people's mouths...she tried to do that w/ my best friend, telling me that my best friend said this and that...and I found out, that in a way, she was innocently sabatoging mine and my best friend's relationship...and since then, I've been watching what I have been saying to her because I don't trust her I'm not exactly sure what I am asking, but I guess I'm hurt and I just need to talk to people who aren't going to judge me for speaking the truth.

Thanks for listening and if anyone has anything to say to help me, I would appreciate it...thank you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 3:54pm
Its really too bad. It doesn't surprise me that you feel this way, becuase that is exactly how I would feel.

Perhaps with time things will improve, but in the meantime I think I would be doing what another poster suggested, trying to find a place of your own. She is obviously one of those insecure people who think that everybody has to be her friend and that nobody is allowed to have another friend except her. I think if you distance yourself a bit, you can probably get along with her, but stuck in the same house, it would be very difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 2:10pm
Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it :) I'm trying not to let this get to me...mentally and emotionally...I'm trying to block it out and always try to stay positive and I'm trying not to blame myself for the outcome of things. Why do I feel like everything is my fault though? Maybe because of the way she treats me and the things she said to me. Or is it because I couldn't be that friend that she wanted me to be? I guess I just have to accept the fact that there are people out there that still act like we are in grade school...thanks again and hopefully, I will be able to figure something out...soon.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 7:16pm
Hi ladies. I am back and I wanted to update everyone who has helped me out on this issue. If no one remembers my situation, pretty much a long story short...I live w/ my brother and his gf and his gf and I don't get along. And now, I have come to the decision to move back home. I realized that these problems w/ her will never go away unless she gets out of my life. Over the weekend, she has tried to stir up more problems and find more things to complain about. I am tired of her and I am tired of her complaints. She will not come to me and talk to me, but instead, she will run to her friends and talk behind my back and then tell my brother things...of course she tries to get him on her side. This situation has nothing to do w/ who's side is who on, but the fact that she is trying to sabotage my relationships...first, my best friend, my mother, my brother, and now my boyfriend. She told my brother that she does not want my bf to come over on the weekdays anymore. What is that? I just laughed and shook my head because she is being so childish about this. I've had enough of it. I have apologized, humiliated myself and basically have been a door mat for her to walk all over me and I'm tired. This situation has taken a toll on my frame of mind and I just don't want to deal w/ her. I remember people gave me advice and told me that I should try to work things out, but that won't do any good. She doesn't want to change and she wants me to put all of my effort into it.

She wants me out of the apartment. And that is fine. I have decided that this is too much negative energy around me that I can't tolerate it anymore. I've tried and as long as I know I have tried and I know the truth, that's all that matters anymore. She admitted to me that the reason why she is so bitter towards me is because of the relationship I have w/ my mother...because she wants that with my mother...???? That is so selfish and wrong. But it comes down to envy and jealousy. She wants what I have...the bond I have w/ my mother and my family, the attention that I receive from others and pretty much, the love that I have to offer and the love that I receive. And since everything is ruined between the 2 of us, she is doing everything possible to hurt me. She has tried so hard to get people against me and to side with her and it is working. Honestly, it doesn't bother me because those people are not my friends. But she is finding everything possible to complain about. She has stooped to the lowest level by trying to say that she is hurt because I don't eat her food and she has gone as far as making things up like I don't say anything when she tries to talk to me or I am turning my friends against her. I think her paranoia is getting to her and her conscious is talking to her. I've been an adult throughout this whole situation, but for some reason, she always tries to turn it around on me. There is nothing left to say or to do....I don't want to try to work on the damage that has been done because it is obvious she will not let this go and it has to do w/ her personal issues. I realized that I am not the one to blame...I swallowed my pride and let her have her way, but we keep going back in circles and it's hurting me too much to keep on letting her trample on me.

I feel bad for my brother for having to go through this and having to be stuck in the middle, but she is going as far as giving him an ultimatum...and I don't want him to have to do I have decided to leave...I think I would be much happier to move home...I found my love and he's coming with me....

Thanks for all your support and help!


Edited 9/22/2003 7:22:34 PM ET by phanl_78

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 12:39am
I'm angry for what you're going thru. It's too bad, that your brother is stuck having a girlfriend who gives everyone HELL. Maybe, he will wake up and they will break up and she will go far far away. Have you taken your brother aside and have a one on one with him, WITHOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND listening or knowing about it. Imagine the two of them getting married, she will manipulate and RUN HIM into a nervous breakdown, specially your family.

Have a talk with your brother. She can't be THAT powerful (hold on him) to CONTRO HIS EVERY MOVE. He needs to wake up and know this isn't healthy for all of you. He needs to find a different girlfriend who isn't as controling. I don't think she has a right to kick anyone out of that apartment, UNLESS SHE PAYS FOR RENT. Your brother has some talking with her. If she pays for everything THEN SHE DOES and your brother is a softy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 6:32pm
I'm so happy for you! You should never had put up with her in the first place. I'm proud that you finally made a decision on what is best for you. And your BF is coming with you?! Thats wonderful! Congrats! Hope all goes well for you and I hope one day your brothers GF sees her immaturity and all the pain she has caused, and apologize. Everything works out for the best!