Is it ever okay to cut ties from family? long- soap opera story!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Is it ever okay to cut ties from family? long- soap opera story!
10
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 11:16am

I feel a bit juvenile writing about this Since I am a grown adult with My own family and life etc...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004

I would feel tired of "coming in last" and being used too. As for the airport, simply tell your mum "sorry, I can't". She has your brother, let him pick her up. If brother is not around right right now, it's still not your problem. There are cabs she can take. As for your dad, he seems to have moved on with his new family. I would probably cut ties with him too. If you are feeling nothing but bad around these people then by all means, cut them out. They shouldn't be taking up space in your life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
In a word...yes. Its completely fine to walk away from family that doesn't seem interested in having a relationship with you!!! Honestly I would think that sitcking around would only bring you more frustration & pain.


I too have a dysfunctional relationship wtih my dad. He was in & out of my life since my parents divorce 35 yrs ago. He tried to reconnect when I had my kids but has been unable to be the kind of grandfather (sober) that I want for them. So when he took sides in a disagreement between me & one of my sisters, I realized how much better life was with out them & walked away!!! Sad, but true!! And then I realized that ... Family is what you make it!!! I have a loving mom & step dad....2 great, but crazy in laws & that's all me & the kids really need! I don't need him...it would be nice to have a normal relationship with him...but I just don't think he's capable!!! So I've stopped even trying. Apparently he doesn't care be/c he doesn't send cards or call. So it seems to me like I made the right decision!!!!


Good luck....and welcome!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004

Thanks both... For some reason I thought it was a 'faux pas' to part with family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011

I agree with the other replies, there are a lot of instances when it is okay to cut ties from family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Oh hey....anytime!!! 1) you do not have to put up with this!!. If its too much for you to absorb, then don't!! 2) you can just walk away....don't answer his calls or emails or anything....until & unless you are ready to do so!!! 3) forget about the money....its just not worth it. it won't give you want you want from him......kwim????? 4) as for your question: DID I JUST NOT KNOW ANY BETTER? Yes....your parents probably were shielding you from what was going on! Not exactly the best way to handle things, but I'm guessing it was the best they could do at the time!!! You know as parents, we don't always make the right decisions....but we try. I'm guessing your mom was trying to make the best of a weird situation & hid everything from you in an attempt to preserve your image of your dad!!! As for things wtih my dad...he's a total PUTZ!!! I did a lot of crying, a lot of soul searching, a lot of blaming myself for not being a "good enough" daughter and then I finally realized that it wasn't me.....it was him....and he wasn't capable of having a stable, loving relathionship wtih me, so I walked away! Good luck....keep us posted!!
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

Do I understand correctly that your mother and father live next to each other, your father with his former mistress/now wife and the children that he fathered with new wife?

If so, then no wonder your mom is always traveling. It must be hard to have a constant reminder of her failed marriage and how her ex chose to move on.

Its likely that your parents will never behave in the ways that you hope or expect. If you can let go of those expectations you might be able to have a cordial relationship with them. But it may be better to just cut the ties and move on with your life, IF they will let you.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
You need to decide what you want in your life, you need to accept that your parents aren't going to change and you can't make them. So if you can't accept who they are & how they treat you then you need to leave them out of your life. You are the one in control of your life.

My Dad died suddenly when I was 18 & until then I had a normal life with 2 parents who loved me. Mom started dating a few wks after Dad died & remarried after 18 mths. My stepfather had no interest in me but he didn't play favourites, he had no interest in his own kids who were younger than myself. For most of my married life, my Mom has ignored me except when it was to her advantage not to. I decided that I would accept her as she is & see her once in a while as I would a distant friend. I have never been able to cut her out of my life regardless of how much she ignored me & my family. I"m an only child & she is the only family I have.

She & my stepdad are old & ill now. I'm their caregiver as I'm the only one around. They are in a home & now she gets upset when I don't call or visit. I don't deliberately ignore them but if I'm busy, they are low on my priority list. They are well cared for & so I don't feel guilty. My stepdad who has never been interested in me but now makes a real effort to thank me when I do things for them.

This has worked for me most of the time. I really wish I still had the parents I great up with but life changes & we move on. Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004

I think all your instincts sound right on the money.

Why do we give people who are unworthy so much power over our happiness?

Why not try laying low - not trying to contact them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
funny story but when they separated they moved beside one another. my dad kept his new wife & baby hidden from my mother successfully for months. it wasn't until recently that my mom found out about the babies.. he had his first 4 years ago! so needless to say he's pretty good at hiding stuff.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004

Thanks everyone.. I felt instantly better venting and hearing your replies!

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