Is it just me? Would you be mad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Is it just me? Would you be mad?
22
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 12:57pm

For the past 6 months I have been somewhat estranged from my parents. At the age of 40, I finally took a stand for myself and discussed with them the horrible things that happened to me during my childhood and how they continue to treat me today. I talked to them about sexual abuse that happened to me as a child, and how their manipulative, controlling behavior to this day has left me empty and unable to care for myself. I told them that it was time for me to cut the strings and remove myself from the drama and guilt they put on me and heal from my past, and live for a future

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 1:54pm
Yes, you have every right to be hurt and angry.

Sounds like they've always been toxic. I doubt they're going to change much.

Sorry for what you've gone/going through, but glad you found us. We're here to listen, and help when we can.

FWIW, setting boundaries was the best thing you could do. Did you give them any specifics? Have they been borrowing money from you? Text or call too much?

Just trying to get a clearer picture.....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 2:34pm

I did set specifics with them. I told them that if there was an emergency please let me know, otherwise, I would text them once per month to let them know that I was ok and I did not want any other form of communication for the next six months. I think that lasted a week before she was texting me about how devasting her life was because they had to file bankruptcy for the 3rd time in there life. I really did have a financial situation after I got divorced and was unable to provide for myself as far as a home, a car, even groceries. So I decided to file bankruptcy to start fresh and erase the debt that I had accumlated post divorce. I went through it by myself, with no attorney. Was it upsetting? A little, but I realized it was the best thing that I could do and looked at the positive side. 2 months after I filed, they decided they needed to file bankruptcy and they didn't know where there next meal was going to come from. I felt as though she was mocking me in some wierd way and was hurt that she would say such a thing when I clearly know it wasn't true. Last year, I was in a really tough place, before i decided to file bankruptcy and they encouraged me to come home. My mom flew down here and helped me pack my belongings and I moved back to my home town. Only to discover they just wanted to control every aspect of my life. Then turned around and told me I was nothing but a dead beat because I haven't paid them back the 5000.00 it took them to move me back to my home town. I only borrowed 1000.00 to move back as was attempting to pay them back, but also was putting my basic needs first. food, clothing, shelter...and they blantly told me i was wrong for doing so.

They called a few times and left nasty voicemails, but when they realized I wasn't going to answer the phone, they just text now. I know this...when they are not in my life, I feel good, I feel positive, and I feel as though I am doing the right thing. And when they are in my life, I feel guilty, I feel angry, sad, frustrated, and stressed out to the point that it affects the relationships I have. I can recall a good friend of mine that I worked with said her husband was really sick and hospice was coming to stay with them. My first thought was that she was just over exaggerating and just wanted attention. I felt horrible a week later when he passed away. Although I never shared those thoughts, the fact that, that was my reaction made me realized how warped I am because of the stories I've heard for so long about how today could be my fathers last day.

I guess I would feel differently if my exhusband and mother had a relationship while we were married, but they didn't. They talked on the phone at Christmas, and I always went for visits alone. I shared a lot of hurtful. intimate details about the reasons why my marriage ended to my mother, in trust. I don't understand how in the world she could justify this being ok? Should I say something to her, should I just let it go? So angry and confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 5:44pm

I am so happy you have come to realizations about yourself and can see your future more clearly.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 9:21pm
It sounds as if you have been through a lot. If I were you, I might be tempted to seek out a licensed professional to help sort it all out. I couldn't imagine trying to cope with all of this, all on my own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 3:43pm

You can't be hurt about this...sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 10:19pm
<< What they do is none of your business and you can't be hurt by anything they do or say. >>

Ridiculous.

 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 10-27-2011 - 11:11pm

Have you received professional counseling to help you deal with the sexual abuse and other things that happened to you in the past? It sounds like your parents have a lot of unresolved issues too and its unlikely that you will get the responses from them that you hope for--even for them to agree to stop contact.

Why are you Facebook friends with your mom if you are trying to cut off

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2008
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:09pm

okay...just a whole ? on the whole unfriending on FB and the message it sends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:21pm
Is that something you do to your mom and sisters on a regular basis? Do you send "messages" to people by unfriending them very often?

Can you block pictures and posts you don't want to see without unfriending them?

Are you planning on never speaking to your mother or sisters again?

My son doesn't have a facebook page, but I wouldn't send a friend request to him if he did. It's not our style. I never tried to be friends with him on his myspace, either.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2008
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 2:25pm

??? something I do often on a regular basis???

Pages