It is time to disown my bro? Sorry long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
It is time to disown my bro? Sorry long.
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 2:53pm
My brother is a drug addict. He has been on cocaine since he was about 15 yrs old. He is now 31 yrs old and it is the same old crap if not even worse. He lost his wife because of his constant drug use. After she left him she disappeared with the children and we haven't seen or heard from my niece or nephew in two years. He has done nothing to get them back. He went to court once and never returned. He says he can't look for them until he has been clean for a while but he never does get clean.

He gets money from the work my parents give to him (they own their own business). But he daily asks them for more money since he thinks money is to my parents as air is to the earth.

Now he has shacked up with this wretched women who has 4 kids w/ 4 different men. She had #5 with my brother knowing full well he is an addict. She treats him like crap until he brings her stuff or money and he seems to love it because he keeps going back. It seems my bother has ideas about what he is going to inherit after my parents are gone(they are only in their early 60's) and has voiced these ideas to the little lady. My parents want nothing to do w/ her because it seems shes going along for the ride to see what she can get in the end. This woman has nothing. She is on welfare and her children were sleeping on mattresses on the floor until my brother came into her life and furnished her apt. among the many other things he provides for her. This makes my parents even more upset because their grandchildren are nowhere to be found and he doesn't seem to care but he spends all his time and energy on this woman and her children.

For the last year he has been in and out of rehabs. He goes in and leaves with in a few days. Even if he is really far away he would get in a cab and have my parents pay the bill when he gets home without any warning. He disrespects my parents to no end. He smacked my mother about two months ago over 20 dollars. He causes scenes in their store to get what he wants. Everyone in the neighborhood knows he a junkie and it depresses my parents immensely. I have been living out of the state for the last three years but they have not come to visit once because they can't leave him alone. They fear he will start asking other people in our family for money (which he has done) or break into the house (which he has done). Recently my parents sent him to a very, very expensive rehab on the other side of the country. He caused such trouble there that they actually called to ask for more money. He left w/in 3 weeks. While he was there over a fight concerning his girlfriend he called my mother a name in our language which translates into dirty slut.

My parents won't disown him for fear that he will become homeless, go to jail or die. Which I can understand. I wanted to disown him after hearing about the smack and the insult but my mother begged me not to. She thinks it will only make things worse. I don't know what to do about any of this. May be I can't do anything.

Thanks for listening. I was good to get that out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 5:17pm
It's hard watching a loved one waste their live like that or disown them. In my opinion I know your parents love him and think they are helping him, but they need to follow his first wifes lead and show him some tough love.They need to stop giving him money.They don't want him dead or in jail. That's understandable but they need to realize each time he takes these drugs he is getting closer and closer to death or could very easily kill someone els.Jail could be the best thing for him right now. He may get mad but their is a chance he will have time to think about how his life is and where it's headed.That might be enough for him to get serious about rehab.I guess your parents need to realize they can't help him out of this situation unless he really wants out and as long as he's got the good life not having to take responsibilty for his actions, chances are he's not gone to stop. The more money they give him the more they are supporting his habit.

They are helping him enough by letting him work for money.That should be enough to pay his bills, but if he wastes it on drugs then he needs to learn the hard way.If the woman is just after money then my guess is she'll find another to sponge off of.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 5:23pm
I am very sorry you are going through this. It's horrible to see a loved one addicted to drugs. The sad fact is that there is nothing anyone can do to help him. If he is EVER going to get clean and stay clean, he has to find the internal motivation to do so. For most people, that means hitting rock bottom. When your parents give him money, they are contributing to his addiction because they are keeping him from feeling the full effects.

I would encourage you and your parents to get involved with Alanon or some other organization for family members of addicts. They will be able to help you cope, let you know what you can do to help and what you should not do.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 8:38pm
Your brother is 31 yrs. old junkie with a child and wife. There's a good reason why she left w/the baby. (For the baby's welfare, good for her!) What your brother is doing is slowly killing himself. That's crying for help IN A VERY LOUD ROAR. He's been in / out of rehab, and still taking money from your parents like an immature 6yrs. old baby. Disowning your brother is not going to improve what's happening. He really doesn't know what he wants at this point, he's just taking what's coming his way. He doesn't have a goal or plans for his future. He's living in a danger zone, careless and wild. He doesn't give a . . . what you think, not really. I am also sorry for him calling your mom a dirty word. The only way your brother can be helped is ONLY HIM CAN HELP HIMSELF WILLINGLY. There's nothing your or your parents can do, just don't allow him to crap at you. For people who really is looking for attention: even jail time won't do it for them.

Three out of four will go back to jail.

Edited 4/25/2003 8:41:23 PM ET by leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 12:29pm
It never ceases to amaze me that parents think they are actually helping their kids when they send them to all these fancy rehab clinics only to go back to to supporting their kid's drug habit when they decide not to return. Your parents need to give your brother a healthy does of tough love, which means, in a nutshell, cutting him off financially, and getting the authorities involved (restraining order). ONLY your brother will decide when enough is enough with his drug habit, and your parents are NOT helping him an any way to own up to it, and to own up to his responsibilities.

I find it incredibly ironic that your parents are fearful that he will become homeless or go to jail or die WITHOUT their help...guess what, they are helping him right along that path by supplying him with the money to keep getting the drugs. A parent's love can make reality so skewed that they don't realize they are hurting more than helping. I think you should stick to your guns about keeping away from your brother, and reinforcing the notion that your parents should stay away as well. I wonder if what your parents are doing is paying off your brother out of fear OF him, not fear FOR him (especially after hearing about the abuse on your mother, and your mother not doing anything about it).

Your parents aren't getting younger, and eventually, they may be in a position where he has the upper hand (though it sounds like he does already), and they really won't be able to do anything about it. Their son's addiction will ruin their lives, as well as his. Alnon, or Naranon is a good first step, it sounds like they could use a lot of support (and a healthy dose of reality) from people who have been there.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein