Jealousy towards a friend....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
Jealousy towards a friend....
4
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 6:41pm

Hello everyone,

I had a crush on a friend for over a year, I found the courage to tell him two months ago but he didn't reciprocate my feelings...He has been a close friend and we did some really cool stuff together, and I was one of the few people he truly trusted and loved, he wasn't that social. By the time I wanted to tell him my feelings for him, he met some new people and started spending more time with them than with me, I thought is was great for him to socialise. When he rejected my feelings, I felt sad in the beginning but I really thought I could make it, afterall he was a great friend and my crush for him wasn't that big....after sometime, I started feeling jealous towards him and his new friends...He stopped calling me, I was ok with that in the beginning cause I needed space,  I knew he was having the time of his life cause it was the first time that he had a group of friends, and that was making me more jealous. I was quite sad at that time and felt lonely...I tried to make my life better by opening myself to new people, travelled and step by step I was feeling a lot better, but the sentiments of jealousy and even anger  towards him never ceased. I know it is bad to say, cause he didn't treat me bad. But he stopped calling, and I feel like he doesn't care much about me, now that he finally found a group of friends. I sent him a message to let him know that my crush for him is over, in case he didn't contact me for that reason. The bad thing is, I know it's a bad thing to say, and please don't judge me, but I am really jealous and angry that he is so well in his life while for me things haven't been easy, especially when he was the main reason for it. I know I should focus on myself, and I really do,but I can't cope with jealousy. Please help me cause I know it's not nice. I am not a bad person, it is just that he is so happy in his life and he stopped calling me that makes me feel this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2013
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 8:02pm

You are not a bad person and so far are doing the right thing, trying to find a life and focusing on yourself. I at least have been on both sides of that coin, both the one who needs to move on and the one seeking to hold on. Rather than focusing on what's missing (it may all be true, it seems you were taken for granted but also slightly sabotaged a fragile bond inadvertently) focus on the gratitude you have for it's occurence in the first place, then put the ball down. If you recognize some anger, know that "it's okay to be angry", very natural in fact, but holding on to that feeling wont help you now and put the ball down. Seriously, other good people will come into your life, you may not of had the opportunity to meet them if you hadnt of had the good friendships  till now, however, you need to put the ball down and open your energy for new things to occur.  Usually the grass isnt as exciting as we thought on the other side anyways, I believe, because each of us is meant for a niche unique for us. So, again, you are not a bad person, it's okay to be angry, but remember to be grateful and put the ball down (whatever it was) so you can move on to the good things due to you in life.

Hope that helps :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 7:37pm

I completely, 100% agree with Vespa.  Rejection always hurts.  In hindsight you will probably find that without this experience, you would not have become the person you will be.  It was not meant to be and for someone to up and leave someone they relied so heavily upon for a friendship is not someone that sounds like good relationship material.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other to move ahead and make new friends and have new experiences, even when it hurts to remember how you were treated.  Give yourself permission to mourn the loss - as it was a loss.  The hardest part is dealing with ourselves and our internal dialogue chastizing ourselves for putting ourselves in that position.  Accept how you feel.  It's okay and perfectly normal to feel the way you do.  Be kind to yourself and while you do this, remember to keep putting that one foot in front of the other.  It will sort itself out and it will change you for the better.  In time you will look back at this time and at this experience and acknowledge the incredible growing experience it provided.  Trust me on this.  You will.  Big hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 12-24-2013 - 6:53pm

I think you are a corageous woman because you took a risk, and I think you should give yourself a hug for that. Things didn´t go well, but you did what you thought was the best, You are human, we all feel jelous. About your friend, I wouldn´t contact him anymore. Who assures you he is having the good time you think. The best thing to not be jelous is to try to get for yo, what you assume he has. Take out your anger writing him a letter (not to be sent) you can put it in a fire like a purification ritual. If he comes to your mind say in your mind " enough", and focus in activities that give you some joy.

 

As a quote in the film "my best friend wedding"- "This also shall pass"

 

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2014
Fri, 03-14-2014 - 10:59am

I had the sort of the same issue with my good ex-male-friend. He was very sweet, we did things together, he always wanted to make sure that I was doing alright even after bad breakups - we were buddies. In college, my ex-best female friend sort of embarassed me in front of him b/c she asked him if he were single, he said he wasn't and then she said, "how about my good friend here" and he said we were buddies. Looking back, I think she was trying to find out for herself, not for my benefit. He started hanging out w/me and my friends and then bam - one day after i threw a party at my home, he drove her home and then they slept together.

My ex-best friend (female) was the type who always thought every man out there was after her - but that was her insecurities and my mom couldn't stand the sight of her and still to this day doesn't like her. My best friend (female) must have manipulated him enough (he always chose women who were bossy and manipulative because he was such a nice guy) that she got him away from me knowing me and guy were the best of buddies. He dumped me and all our other friends and to this day - they got married but they have absolutely no friends - nobody likes them at all - everyone thinks they are a couple of phonies. Guy friend tried to reconcile our friendship but b/c of his g/f (female friend) the damage was done and it was never the same after that.

Well, good riddance to him - I'm not missing out on much - I've moved on. My mom asked me how come he didn't date me - and so did my other friends but I told them that he saw something in her that he never saw in me - well both of them are misery that loves company. Even guy's parents and family doesn't even like my ex-female friend - people do get what they wish for. Another great friend of mine (male - "Ron") told me that ex-female friend had it in her head that he liked her and wanted to pursue her; however, that was far from the truth because he really wanted to go out w/me; however, his best friend liked me (I didn't like him) and my other good college friend liked "Ron" and we couldn't hurt our friends by doing that. I told him that we really should be proud of ourselves, we both really did know how to respect our friendships.

I know it can really hurt, but it's all a part of life - 9 times out of 10, are we still friends with the same people from 20 years ago? It's your friend's loss and there are probably a whole lot more better people out there than you can find geniune friendships with.

I hope that this will give you some hope and inspiration - you'll do well.